After seeing her recent awful performance on Will & Grace, I'd have to say that there is probably some truth to this story. In honor of that, here's a little photo essay I've compiled from the Britney Spears School Of Acting brochure I recently got in the mail. Enjoy.
"Acting's not easy ya'll. These are some of the faces you have to make when you act. Here, the acting teacher told me to act like I just found out my Grandmother had died. It was sad... and hard, ya'll."
"Ya'll, this is from my audition tape for Lifetime's 'The Carnie Wilson Story: No Time To Weight'. I didn't get the part, but the director said I was really convincing as a young Carnie."
"When you're an actor, it's important to keep your skin tan ya'll, 'cause you act with all the parts of your body and your skin covers your body parts. So it's like you're acting with your skin... and no one likes pale skin acting, ya'll."
"This was from a part I tried out for where I was supposed to play a girl who works at a drive thru window during the day and then is a stripper at night. It was called, 'Would You Like A Shake With That?'. During the audition, I kept getting the character's jobs confused and tried to dance for all the restaurant customers in the drive thru. I didn't get the part. Acting's really hard, ya'll."
"I just found out they are making a film about Hurrican Katrina ya'll, so I took some pictures of me acting and showing that I can still look sexy if I got caught in a Hurricane and I sent them to the director. I hope I get the part, ya'll."
"These are some shots I had done to send to the movie studio that's making 'The Life And Times Of Betsy Ross'. She made our American flag ya'll, and I thought these turned out really good. Unfortunately, they gave the part to Rachel Weisz instead. I cried for days after that. I soooo wanted that part, 'cause I can sew really good, ya'll."
"This is me on the set of the film, 'Get Thee To A Nunnery', where I played a nun at the Vatican, ya'll. I kept telling the director that it would be a lot better if I took off that ugly black robe thing they kept putting on me and I wore my lingerie instead, but the director wouldn't listen. In this picture, he's making me put that awful black robe back on after I tried to take it off for the scene where I meet the Pope. I still think I was right, but he was the director. I don't know why they are taking so long to release the movie. I filmed it over 5 years ago, but am crossing my fingers it comes out soon, ya'll."
"Ya'll, it's hard to be a Mom and an actress / singer. This picture isn't of me acting, but I decide to use it to show how difficult it is to hold a baby and try and remember your lines at the same time."
"I'm not a slut, ya'll. This is just me practicing a scene with Kevin 'cause I'd just gotten a call from my agent saying I had an audition for the movie, 'John Holmes: The Man And The Myth.' See how good of an actress I am? I'm acting like Kevin's really big, but he's so not, ya'll."
"Sometimes you have to work with animals in movies, ya'll. Here I'm practicing with a real snake 'cause I feel really comfortable around them... probably because I'm married to one, ya'll."
"This is from my audition tape for the remake of the Meryl Streep movie, 'A Cry In The Dark'. Here, I'm yelling my lines, 'Help, ya'll, help! A dingo ate my baby, ya'll!'"
"Makeup is a really important part of acting, ya'll. This is when I tried out for an edgy independent version of 'Where's Waldo?'. My makeup was hot and helped me act my butt off during my meeting with the casting director, but he only wanted me for the role of Waldo's slutty younger sister and I refuse to be in a movie unless I'm the star, ya'll."
"Ya'll, I know everyone who saw this on tv thought that I was frenching Madonna, but I wasn't. She was just the Mommy movie star passing on her acting energy to me, the Baby movie star. I really think it will be good for my acting though, 'cause Madonna was soooo good in 'Swept Away' and Who's That Girl?', ya'll."
"Ya'll, hair and makeup is important, but lighting can be just as important when it comes to your acting. This is from my screen test for this independent movie called "Cheetos Girl" about a girl who eats Cheetos all the time and starts to turn orange. It was such a good script, ya'll, you don't even know. Unfortunately, the funding got cancelled before we started filming. But you see how good the lighting made my acting here, ya'll?"
"I also did an independent horror film that is still waiting to be released, ya'll. This picture is from the movie. It's called, 'Death In The Produce Drawer.' It's about this very famous and fashionable 5 star chef (me) who is cooking one night when she hears sounds coming from the restaurant's stainless steel refrigerator. She opens the door and all of a sudden... oh wait, I don't want to give away the surprise and ruin it for ya'll, but I'll just say it involves a rotting carrot and an expired can of whipped cream. God, I hope I didn't give too much away already. I'll make sure to let you know as soon as it comes out though. Pete, the director even said he thinks I could win some awards for this one. I don't know what a Razzie is, but Pete says I'm a lock for it, ya'll."
"When you're acting in movies ya'll, sometimes you gotta go to red carpet events and you still need to use your acting skills for this too. Here, I'm acting like I'm not embarrased by Kevin's untucked shirt and ripped jeans on the red carpet. I was so angry, it made my roots turn black, but see how I'm still smiling? That's called real acting, ya'll"
"This is from my audition tape I did for a Broadway musical about phone sex operators called, 'What Are You Wearing?'. This picture is from the song I was singing called, '$4.50 A Minute: Hold The Line Please'. I know this sounds like really edgy stuff, ya'll, but I'm no longer a girl and I'm completely a woman, so you guys are gonna have to just accept me in this beautiful journey I call 'acting', even if some of the stuff I do is a little out there, ya'll."
"Ya'll, I know it's a little beneath me, but I haven't been getting too many films lately, so I decided to take a role in a short movie by this film student who's related to my maid, Jaunita. It's about a blow up doll who gets fed up and decides she is going to start saying 'no' when she doesn't feel like performing for her owner. It's called, 'When Blow Means No'. It turned out pretty good, ya'll, but unfortunately it's only playing at the Botswanan Film Festival right now, so you can't see it."
"Ya'll, this is me practicing a scene from an Oxygen tv movie I tried out for. It's about a beautiful feminist studies college professor who has a sleep disorder where she dozes off at weird times during her lectures when she's talking about someone named Susan Sontag. The movie was called, 'The Professor That Slept Around.' I think the sleep disorder she has is called Narcolepsy or Necrophilia or something like that. I didn't get the part though, 'cause I really didn't understand the script, ya'll. I thought she was just falling asleep because this Sontag woman was so boring to talk about and not because of the disorder."
"Here was my audition tape for the new movie musical, "Dreamgirls" that's coming out this year, ya'll. Me and my hair acted so hard for this, but they said they wanted someone black and they gave it to Beyonce instead. I don't understand why they used her instead of me though. I can act black, ya'll. Haven't they seen any of my videos or my wigger husband?"
"Ya'll, I tried out for the film 'Maid In Manhattan' too, but they gave it to Jennifer Lopez instead. I don't know why these other singers are taking all my parts. My audition tape was awesome and this is a picture from it where I was opening the drapes in the room I was cleaning right before I made the bed. They told me the tape was good, but they wanted someone who was hispanic for the part. I tried to explain that I had recorded my hit, 'I'm A Slave 4 U' in Spanglish, so I was able to speak Spanglish, but they never returned my calls after that, ya'll."
"I also wanted to try out for the new movie remake, 'Poseidon', and this is the picture I sent them to hopefully get an audition. Ya'll, with my acting in this picture, I was trying to show them how sexy I could act when I am around the ocean. I also thought it might demonstrate to them how I am physically able to stay afloat in water. I don't know why they never let me audition, ya'll."
"Clothing is soooo important when you act, ya'll. This was me trying out for the part of the Artful Dodger in that British remake of 'Oliver Twist' that came out a few years ago. I thought I really looked the part and it helped me to act all British and stuff, but the casting director said I sounded way too dirty when I said the line, 'Please Sir, can I have another?". But I don't know about that, ya'll. They were orphans and were really dirty kids. They couldn't even get regular manicures or anything, so I don't know what that casting director was talking about, ya'll."
"Ya'll this picture isn't me using my acting or anything, I just think I look really hot here. Hotness is very important if you are going to act. For example, I think that Felicity Huffman could have won the Oscar this year if she had just tried to be hot in that movie 'Transamerica' instead of wearing that ugly brown wig and letting snot come out of her nose when she cried. Yuck. No wonder the hot Reese Witherspoon won instead, ya'll."
"This is a picture of me in a scene from the new shot by shot remake of 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' that I am filming right now, ya'll. I've never seen the original, but everyone tells me it is a classic and I am very excited to bring a classic to young people without them having to watch all that boring black and white stuff. Ya'll the script is so good and the special effects are going to rock. Once you add in my acting, this movie is going to be a classic all over again."
"Ya'll, I know everyone saw this picture in the tabloids and thinks that I am a bad mother because I was driving around LA with Sean Preston on my lap, but that is so unfair. I was really filming a new car commercial and if you look closely, you'll see that it's not really Sean Preston, but a stunt baby. I would never endanger Sean Preston like that. See ya'll, I'm not a bad mother, just a really good actress who's driving around playing a bad mother in the car commercial with a trained baby on my lap."
"And finally ya'll, this is some of the best acting I've ever done. See how happy I look here at the premiere of my first movie, 'Crossroads'? I wasn't happy, I was just acting. It's really hard to be photographed with someone that's prettier than you and I hated it. I begged Justin to not look so pretty that night, but he just kept moisturizing himself and wouldn't listen to me. Ya'll, if there's anything I can teach you about acting, it's that you should never stand beside people that are prettier than you. Why else do you think I married Kevin instead, ya'll?"
No comments:
Post a Comment