American Idol Weekly Recap - Top 5

Future Idols or fry cooks? Your vote decides.

Yo yo, check it out, dog.

Tonight was the Top 5 and it was the first show where the finalists had to sing 2 songs instead of 1: one song from the year of their birth and one song from a current Top 10 Billboard Chart. It was an interesting and surprising show for me. Why, because my favorite person had one of the worst performances of the night and my least favorite had one of the best performances. The judges were also more accurate and less annoying than usual. But then again, even Rush Limbaugh makes a truthful statement and gets it right once in a blue moon. If he can, why shouldn't the AI judges have a moment of accuracy every now and then as well? So here's the rundown.

First up was Elliott. Poor boy, who dressed him? Seriously - bad jeans with a cheap, tan, ill-fitting polyester jacket and a shiny gold tie. It was just awful. And it didn't help things that the lights were super bright on stage and you could see all his wonky teeth. Is he the American Idol? Only if your idols are badly dressed mediocre jazz vocalists with a lack of quality dental work. He's got a sweet disposition, but that's about the best I can say about his first performance of the night: George Benson's 'On Broadway' from 1978. That's the type of song that's tailor made for his style and voice and the results were average, at best. He should have hit it out of the park and didn't. Judges thought he was okay, except for Simon who said he was lucky to have another chance later in the show. At least Paula didn't overpraise him this week and break down into sobbing historonics. You could see in her eyes though that she was thinking, "You're my new Corey Clark baby. I'd so hit that."


"I found this jacket in my Great Uncle Howard's closet. Hot isn't it? "

Next was Paris singing Prince's 'Kiss' from 1988 (my God, I have naval lint older than her). She looked great, was entertaining and took a song that should have been really weird to sing and made it interesting and fun. So what's the problem? Well, for one thing, it wasn't a very good showcase for what she can do. I don't know if anyone could have done a better job with it, but she's definitely better than the song itself and at this point, everyone needs to be making every song really strong and memorable. I liked it, but I doubt a lot of people were won over if they weren't already fans before. The first 2 judges liked it okay, but Simon called it "screachy and annoying - similar to the way Paula sounds when she's about to come." Okay, he didn't say the last part of that sentence, but he was thinking it.

Chris took the stage next and was really great. He's not been my favorite, but I can definitely appreciate that he has a great rock voice. He didn't disappoint though with his rendition of Styx's 'Renegade' from 1978. It was really strong and a real example of why he is going to go all the way to the top 2. Now if he would just change it up a little bit by doing something like Bo did last year when he sang acapella. I'm not saying he should do the exact same thing, but he isn't differentiating himself enough to guarantee the complete win and needs to really make himself stand out more. As for the judges comments, all 3 dropped to the floor and gave his scrotum a tongue bathing, as usual. This time though, he deserved the wet sac he got from them.


Sac lickers - especially Ryan.

Sadly, the next performance was from Katharine when she sang 'Against All Odds' by Phil Collins from 1984. As much as I love her (I really do and would carry her surrogate babies if she asked), I have to say that this was the worst performance of the whole night. It was all over the place and everything the judges unfairly said about her last week would have appropriately applied to her tonight. And she didn't have the hot tight cleavage spilling dress to fall back on this week either. Like Elliott's performance, it's the style of song that she should have soared with, but instead, the left wing caught fire during takeoff and she ended up in the swamp at the end of the runway. She was so nervous (probably because of the unfair ass pounding she took from the judges a week ago) that it totally messed with her head. It was a real shame to see someone who can actually sing mess up that bad at this stage of the competition. None of the judges liked it, but it was funny to see them actually try to be nice since they got such a strong audience lashing last week after being so unfair to her. Although, Simon did accidentally say it was one of her best performances (misspeaking when he meant to say worst) and then corrected himself a minute later and interupting Ryan as he was giving out Katharine's phone numbers for voting. Could that have been planned? I think it might have been. Bastard!

Our last contestant of the first half was Taylor who did his version of Wild Cherry's 'Play That Funky Music' from 1976 - damn, he's almost as old as me! He was good on vocals and extremely entertaining on stage with his hideous Hawaiin style shirt and spastic thrashing where he ended up laying on the floor at the end. I enjoyed it and that performance guaranteed he'd be back next week no matter what he sang later. The first 2 judges praised him, but Simon repeated something he'd said a few weeks earlier that it was "like watching a bad wedding singer performance." Man, if my wedding singer thrashed around on stage like that, he wouldn't be getting paid and would have his mic turned off in the middle of the song. Entertaining to watch and hear on tv, but not at my perfectly immaculate gay wedding. My friends would disown me.


Performance or epileptic fit?

So onto the second half of the show where they had to sing current Top 10 songs from any Billboard chart. To paraphrase Randy, "Yo, yo, listen up! American Idol, I was worried at the beginning where you started off a little pitchy and all over the place, but then in the middle the show you got better and you really finished strong. It was just awwwight for me."

First off was Elliott again. This time he sang current jazz cutie Michael Buble's 'Home'. He sang it well and it is the perfect kind of song for him, but it isn't that kind of really catchy type of song that people remember. Strong, but not strong enough. At least he looked better and it actually seemed like he dressed in front of a mirror this time. The first 2 judges liked the song, but Simon made it a point to say that he shouldn't be singing the song lyric, "I want to go home" over and over again after his performances from that night. It seemed to make Elliott mad, but Elliott's version of getting mad is to say, "No, I really don't want to go home." Such a nice guy - that's gonna get him nowhere in life.

Paris was next with her version of Mary J. Blige's 'Be Without You'. It was okay, but not great. However she gets 2 extra points from me. First, because it was soulful. Second, because she left in the lyric, "We got real shit" and actually sang it live. The censors beeped it, but I was really impressed that she refused to change the lyrics for the American Idol audience. A move like that can either make or break her depending on who the audience for the show really is. I like to think that mainly devil worshipping 40 year old liberals are the core audience, but I have a feeling that it's actually uber-conservative teenage religious freaks. So my guess is that singing the actual lyrics might have hurt her. Randy liked the song, but Paula didn't. You could tell she said she didn't like it because she thought that was going to be Simon's opinion too and she was just trying to impress him. When he said the opposite and he said she sang it "rather well,", you could just see the hurt and betrayal in Paula's eyes. She so wants his approval.


"Yeah, I said 'shit' you bitches. Whatchu gonna do about it?"

Chris then sang some song called "I Dare You" by someone/thing called Shinedown. Maybe I'm showing my lack of current constant radio listening, but I'd never heard of the song or group before. Maybe it was a good rendition, but I don't know. It wasn't the wisest move, just because I think most people like me who are not 12, don't listen to regular radio that often and are probably only more aware of songs by more well known artists. It was okay, but his voice got screachy and the judges all agreed that his voice is going. He better be careful and protect it if he wants to make it through the next 3 weeks. And can I just say to the show's producers, can you please retire the fake fire backdrop that they use for all the rock songs? At this point it's as tired as Tara Reid after an all night drug fueled orgy. Please get rid of it.


"For God's sake, would someone please shut off this damn fake fire behind me? I can't concentrate."

And then came the showstopper. Thank God. After her miserable first performance, I was really worried for Katharine. Mainly because I'd heard she was singing the song, "Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" by newbie folk rocker KT Tunstall. It's a good song and I've heard it played some before the show last night, but it's soooo not what you think of when you think of the songs that will fit Katharine's voice and personality. But it worked and it worked great. She sat on the floor and had two musicians play some weird instruments. She owned the stage by just sitting there and singing and she sounded awesome. I was a little shocked because I was sure the song was going to be wrong for her, but she was totally loose and relaxed and sang it beautifully. In fact, it was as if it was written just for her. I'm still surprised by how good it was. I thought Chris had taken the prize for best performance with the earlier Styx song until Katharine sang. You expected him to do his song justice because it's the type of music he always sings, but Katharine wins since it was so unexpectedly good. The judges all agreed with me and for once I didn't want to shove hot radioactive rods up their ass and pound them in with a sledgehammer (I'm making progress with my anger management courses, BTW).


Katharine on her knees - the girl knows what it takes to be a winner.

Then came Taylor singing, 'Something' by the Beatles(?). Hey wait, you're thinking. I thought it was supposed to be current Top 10 Billboard songs. Well, I'm not positive which chart they are on, but since Billboard has about a hundred charts, I'm sure the Beatles are lurking somewhere on a reissue list somewhere. And Taylor was really good. That's saying a lot coming from me because I've really been over him for the past 5 weeks or so. I still think he is the least talented of everyone left, but he's such a fun goofball with a decent voice, that it's hard not to like him. I was getting tired of his weird schtick in the same way that Kellie Picker started wearing thin too, but last night's performance definitely made me appreciate him more. I still don't think he deserves to be in the final 2 (my hopes are for a Chris/Katharine showdown), but he'll probably pull it out of his ass because of his goofy charm and ability to read the audience. The judges liked him too, but seemed to question why he was singing the Beatles. I'm actualy surprised the producers allowed him to sing it since their original intent was for current modern songs, but maybe they wanted him to sing it for some specific reason. I don't know if Taylor is a mad genius for finding that song on the charts or if he is just a big cheat for using it, but either way, it worked for him and was one of the better performances he's given.

So here are my predictions:

Top 2: Chris and Taylor.

Bottom 2: Elliott and Paris.

Tough one to call, but I think we're going to be seeing Elliott head home tonight. Could be Paris, but Elliott's lack of personality really works against him, even when he's good. You might not like Paris, but you don't forget her.

So, I'll be wearing my American Idol underwear tonight and waiting with baited breath for the results. Is that weird?


My Hot American Idol. Hmmm, could it be that I'm not really gay?

For real fans who want to see the previous week's recap, here's that link:

JM's American Idol Recap - Top 6


RESULTS SHOW - Top 5:

Awwww. I was wrong. Paris got the boot. I guess saying 'shit' in front of America and getting bleeped just didn't work for her - better luck next time swearing in front of 50 million people. Actually, I think it was the name. Most Americans have a real aversion to someone named Paris being filmed as she blows into a large phallic thing in her hand. I think everyone just got you confused with that other Paris.


She may not be your American Idol, but she'll make a great 50 year old school marm.

Next week is Elvis songs. Elliott was one lucky bitch this week. If he doesn't pull something absolutely amazing out of his ass next week, he might as well pack up his bad polyester tan jacket right now.

See you here next week.