Although she hasn't done anything especially heinous that we know about in the last 7 days, it would be wrong of me to not start the first posting at the top of the Trainwreck foodchain. You know who I'm talking about, and if you don't, then you just haven't been paying attention for the past few years.
(Drumroll please)
Our inaugrial Trainwreck Of The Week is...
Tara Reid, bitch!
That's right, everybody's favorite d-list party girl starts our regular Trainwreck feature here at JM. I'm sure we'll be seeing lots of her on this posting in the coming years, but just to catch you up and to show all those other Trainwreck wannabees out there how it's really done, here is a mini greatest hits of Tara and her escapades. So I present to you for your viewing pleasure:
A Day In The Fabulous Life Of Tara Reid
Tara takes a quick cigarette break during filming her next Oscar winning movie to decide where she's partying that night. Good news, the production assistant on the right tells Tara that the movie's going directly to video so they'll finish up filming that afternoon and hold the premiere for it that night at the downtown Bennigans. "Woo hoo, paaaarty!"
Tara calls up her old friend Jason Biggs to join her and heads out to the Premiere. Along the way, she does a quick boob check to make sure nothing is leaking.
Not sure if enough people saw her flashing on the street, Tara decides to let it all hang out on the red carpet in a desperate attempt to get some Paparazzi attention.
After the movie, Tara decides to start the party off with a bang by demonstrating her oral technique on a firecracker. Tara jokingly adds, "It won't be the first thing that's ever exploded in my mouth."
Seeing an easy target, Paulo orders the largest bottle of alcohol he can find and approaches Tara with a propostion involving his own firecracker and a bathroom stall. "Okay Paulo, but can we take the bottle with us?"
Finishing up with Paulo, Tara meets Gregory. "No, thiss issn't the kind of coke I wass looking for Gregory."
When Gregory comes up empty handed, she moves onto Jason. "Jasson, are you sure thiss iss the way to the danssefloor? It lookss like a bathroom sstall to me."
After dancing in the bathroom stall with Jason for a while, Tara sees her good friend Paris and decides to join her. "Parisss, who isss that creepy guy behind you checking out my drink. Parisss, don't let him sssteal my drink." Paris responds, "Ummm... do I know you?"
As Tara gets up to run away from the drink stealing creep, her shoe gets caught on her droopy vagina and she falls to the floor. "It'sss not funny guysss. Now my cootchie hurtsss."
Helped up from the floor, Tara decides to show everyone where her cootchie hurts. Luckily, the guy on the right tells Tara his name is Sam, he is an OB/GYN and he will be happy to examine her cootchie for her in the bathroom stall. "Oookaaay," says Tara. "Can I have a drink firssst, Sssam?"
After Sam finishes examining Tara for 'Painful Cootchie Disorder', his friend Mason asks for her number. "No Massson. I don't give out my phone number to ssstrangersss. What kind of ssskank do you think I am? (hiccup)."
Realizing that the bar is closing for the night, Tara goes to her car as the bouncers hold back the line of OB/GYN's waiting to give her another exam. "It'ssss okay boyssss. My cootchie feelssss much better now. Anyone know where there'ssss an afterparty?"
As Tara gets into the car, she shows the line of men that her vagina is just fine. "Sssseeee boyssss. It'ssss all better now. Now where issss that party at?"
Realizing that the driver is lost and doesn't know how to find the afterparty so is taking her home instead, Tara goes through the 4 stages of party withdrawal: questioning, pleading, anger and resignation. "Are you ssssure you can't find the party Sssstephen?" "Pleasssse, pleasssse, pleasssse find it." "No, I don't want your goddamn box of tissssuessss Sssstephen, I want to party." "Okkkaaay, I've got a bottle of Jack Danielssss and some Fressssca at home anyway."
Not knowing how she got there, Tara somehow ends up at the beach the next morning and sleeps off her hangover there. "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"
Three months later, Tara shows that she is the queen of Hollywood when every funny Halloween costume across the country is modeled after her.
And that concludes a fabulous day in the life of Tara Reid.
For those of you that still can't get enough of Tara, here's a fun little drinking game featuring our favorite Trainwreck Of The Week. Speakers are needed, so if you are at work, lower the volume. Enjoy.
Tara Reid Drinking Game
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