DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:
Recap show. Ugggh!
GREYS ANATOMY:
Rerun. Double Ugggh!
SO NOTORIOUS:
Okay, I finally caught VH1’s new scripted show featuring Tori Spelling and was moderately amused. They had a 3 show, commercial free marathon and I watched it since my regular shows fell through. Here’s what I thought. Tori likes making fun of herself and is actually more entertaining than people give her credit for. Does Meryl Streep have anything to worry about? No, but Jenny McCarthy might want to watch her back.
The next Meryl or Jenny?
Anyway, for a basic cable channel series starring Tori Spelling and Loni Anderson, the show is pretty good. Although, that’s like saying, in the middle of Botswana, McDonald’s is a really good restaurant. I actually laughed a few times (once out loud) and that’s more than I can say for a full season of a show like “According To Jim” or “The War At Home”. In fact, I think Tori and Loni are both solid comedians (I never thought I’d ever say anything positive about Loni Anderson in relation to acting, but there you go). However, I can totally understand the rumors I’ve been hearing about Tori’s real mother, Candy Spelling, wanting to sue Tori and VH1 over the show, because even if only 25% of Loni’s portrayal of Kiki (Candy) is accurate, then she’s scarier than Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers combined. She’s like Karen Walker on steroids with enough plastic surgery to embarrass Joan Rivers. Really frightening.
The next Joan Rivers?
I’ll probably watch the show again, but I can say that I don’t like the gay best friend, Sasan. Not because he’s a flaming cliché (if cliché’s bothered me, I’d never have anything to watch but “Lost”). No, I don’t like him because the guy who plays him is a REALLY bad comic actor and has all the delivery of a 500 lb. UPS driver with a cast on his leg. If you’re gonna create a fabulous fag for a character, then at least find a fabulous fag to play him – preferably one who is attractive and can act.
The next unemployed has been actor?
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE:
One of my new favorite shows, but unfortunately I missed it this week.
AMERICAN IDOL:
See my weekly post here: JM American Idol Weekly Recap
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL:
Episode 9 - The Girl Who Is a Model, Not a Masseuse:
Tyra demonstrates her technique for coming up with new show ideas when she needs to think real hard.
I’m only going to do a quick recap of this show since Rich at his fourfour blog really does the best recap around. Check it out here: Four Four
My own shorter recap:
The girls act bitchy with each other in their fabulous model house.
The girls compete in a badly planned competition (fake interviews with Vanity Fair’s nasty George Wayne this time). One girl wins and the others applaud her with fake golf claps while seething inside (Nnenna wins this one - again).
“Don’t mess with me, Jade. I’ll fuck you up!”
The girls act bitchy with each other about the competition.
The girls get a big surprise (flying to Thailand this time). Girls act like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them.
The girls get bitchy with each other before the photo shoot (this time in their fabulous hotel suite and/or hideously pimped out pink van).
The girls compete in a photo shoot competition (hanging in a net with smelly dead fish over old ugly foreign women as they act like beautiful mermaids who are happy to be caught as the fish of the day).
Jay makes bitchy comments towards the girls during the shoot as he cowardly hides behind the monitor where they can’t hear him.
“Joanie, that’s grosssssss! Get your breast off of me now!”
Girls get bitchy with each other during the mermaid photo shoot.
The girls go to judging, but never seem to think to dress up like models with good clothes, fixed hair or applied makeup. Girls get told they should dress like models when they come to judging with good clothes, fixed hair and applied makeup. Advice goes in one ear and out the other immediately.
“Like my gills?”
During judging, Tyra acts ghetto while giving personality advice to the girls. Tyra acts high class while judging pictures of the girls. Girls learn nothing.
Miss J. makes useless comments using his blender head, finger snapping and emotive eye-raising while being the gayest human being alive (this time in pigtails).
Nigel smolders in his role as former model/photographer/male eye candy for the gay fans while flirting lewdly with one of the girls and making inappropriate comments that would get him slapped with a sexual harassment suit in any other line of work. Says nothing helpful.
Twiggy gives useless advice with a British accent. Acts English ghetto, which is high class to the rest of us.
Forgettable guest judge makes useless comments, is ignored by the other ‘real’ judges and then gets edited out of almost every frame.
Jesus said, "Give a model a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Teach a model to be a fish and she’ll get a 100k Cover Girl modeling contract."
Girls leave and are judged as comments are edited to fool the viewer. Viewer guesses who’s leaving by hearing which girl did not have any super positive or extremely negative comments.
Tyra says “America’s Next Top Model” over a million times in 5 minutes while handing out pictures, insulting the bottom 2 girls and then destroying the lifelong dream of the loser.
Donna Summer and M’Shell Ndegeocello?
Girl goes home (exotic, but boring Nnenna this time). Other girls fake cry and act like they aren’t really happy to see their competition go back home to a life of obscurity.
Take the hook out of her mouth and throw her back in the sea.
The end.
BTW, Danielle and Joanie need to be the final 2. Danielle is my pick since I love her fabulous country ghetto accent and her pictures are slammin’. Joanie’s quiet conniving and her really beautiful pictures make her a close second for me.
“Yeah, I’m the shit and you know it, bitches!”
LOST:
Recap show. Triple Ugggh!
TOP CHEF:
Episode 8 – Wedding Bell Blues:
One of my new favorite shows. I thought nothing could take the place of Project Runway when it finished, but TC is a worthy successor. The kitchen is not as fabulous as the fashion world, but chefs are even more arrogant and just as bitchy as any clothing queen can be.
Anyway, this week the chefs had to work together to prepare a meal for a wedding party of 100 people that was taking place in 16 hours. In that time, they had to take their $3000 and shop, plan, prepare and execute 6 courses for the meal including the wedding cake.
Shock and surprise, it was a gay couple that were tying the knot – the 2 Scotts. I know what you’re thinking – a gay couple?… in San Francisco?… on Bravo?… just shocking!
“What do you think Scott?” “ I don’t know Scott, what do you think?” “I’ll tell you what I think Scott, I think our life together is gonna get confusing.”
Anyway, the 2 Scotts wanted an Asian influenced menu and unsurprisingly, they picked the only real Asian to plan that menu – chef Lee Ann Wong. Of course, Lee Ann planned the complicated over reaching menu before she was told that they only had 16 hours to prepare the meal and that they would have to shop for their food supplies after all the real stores had closed for the night and that they would even need to pull an all-nighter to complete the challenge. Hmmm, why would anyone let people prepare their wedding reception meal under those circumstances? Oh well, they’re gay, so it’s not really a marriage, just a commitment ceremony that has no legal standing. You know us fags, we all have orgies after our wedding receptions and are all gonna have meaningless open marriages anyway. Commitment Schommitment!
Wong, yet so Wight.
Another shock and surprise, it all goes horribly awry and the food turns out crappy for the most part. The salmon was extremely cheap stuff that was gotten from an all-night grocery store – perfect for one of the most important days of your life. The wedding cake was made from Betty Crocker cake mix since the chefs didn’t have the money, time or experience to prepare a real cake – just what every gay man expects to serve all his friends at his wedding. Betty Crocker for a wedding cake? I have a feeling one couple is gonna get disowned from the gay community.
Judge Tom mocks the wedding cake of the gays.
It sort of made me angry that the show put them in this impossible situation and then criticized them for messing up the reception meal for the wedding. It had nothing to do with being a chef. Nothing! The worst a chef has to face in the real world is messing up someone’s dinner for the night and if they do, they can just give it away for free to help make up for it. And a real caterer (like Dave has been before) would never have such little money, time, people and selection in order to prepare a reception meal for a wedding. It was just mean and unfair for everyone involved – even for a reality tv show! But it was damn good television.
“You bitches expect us to do what in 16 hours?”
I really am starting to dislike judges/food experts/hosts Tom and Katie Lee (Gail is okay). They both have such an air of superiority about them. Tom seems to think that he could have done so much better than the contestants did under the same circumstances. He would have fucked up just as bad, and everyone knows it. And Katie Lee? For such a pretty girl and wife of an extremely rich man, Billy Joel, she acts like she’s got a flag pole shoved up her ass and the president has just called for all flags to be lowered to half mast – just sour and mean. She also looks like she’s never eaten a bite of solid food in her life. Either that, or she’s in the bathroom after every meal ramming that flag pole down her throat instead. Maybe she’s just miserable since Billy is probably beating her during his drunken rages. Cheer up Katie Lee – you’re young, beautiful, wealthy and probably only get smacked around occasionally by your sixty-something sugar daddy.
Katie Lee Joel – Food expert / abuse victim?
So I digress. When all is said and done, it’s Stephen that gets to go home. Not because he’s a bad chef, but because he’s a complete asshole and has gotten to go through most of the show to make entertaining tv and now has to be punished for his sins to satisfy the viewers. Unlike shows like Survivor, where there are no judges, reality shows with expert ‘judges’ are never allowed to let the really bad guys win. It’s just common sense. Americans like to love the bad guy and then make them pay for being the asshole we all really want to be. God bless America! If this show were set in France, the rudest person would always win – it would be a requirement.
“I’m leaving? Something is fishy here.”
Anyway, I predict that Harold will be the next to go. He’s been less than impressive for most weeks and his ‘I take responsibility for my fuckups’ attitude at judging is starting to wear thin. I mean really, what is that about? Could you please grow a pair and start blaming your mistakes on the other weaker contests. Do you want to be a mean reality show WINNER so you can get laid by ugly D list celebrities or do you want to be a nice reality show LOSER so you can get laid by moderately attractive secretaries? This is America Harold, D list celebrities are the new black.
Harold - Secretary fucker
Besides this is Bravo, so the 3 gay people need to be in the final 3 competition. Yeah, yeah, I know. Lee Ann and Tiffani both have boyfriends, but have you seen these chicks? I would be shocked to find out their boyfriends weren’t named Pat or Chris and wore flannel shirts and Birkenstocks. And Dave? If he were anymore prissy and melodramatic, he’d be a guest star on Will And Grace as one of Jack’s boyfriends. My money is on Tiffani to go all the way. She looks like she’d shove shards of glass into the other chef’s dishes if she could get away with it. Oh yeah, she’s not gonna let anyone take that title from her.
Just try and tell me she’s not a lesbian. Seriously.
SOUTH PARK:
In a year of awesome episodes, this one was only pretty good. Al Gore makes a visit to South Park and Cartman shoots treasure out of his ass. That pretty much sums it up. “I’m serial.”
WILL & GRACE:
Will’s Dad dies and the show takes place right after the funeral. There were no new surprise celebrity guest stars (just the same old ones). It was moderately funny and a little sad – like a very special episode of ‘Blossom’ if Blossom’s brother Joey was a flaming homo. Since there are only 4 shows left of the series, you’d think they would be trying to go out on a high note. Instead they are making mediocre shows with bad endings. What gives?
MY NAME IS EARL:
Missed the show this week. I’m sure Jamie Pressley was a hoot as usual.
THE OFFICE:
Drug testing in the office. Hysterical. Steve Carell is a God. Too many great lines and situations to really recap, but watching Michael trying to convince Dwight to give him his urine was one of the funniest exchanges on any tv show this whole year.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:
The usually stagnant show was really good this week because it was all animated shorts by Robert Smigel and was hosted by Ace and Gary of The Ambiguously Gay Duo fame. Their interactions with the cast as they talked about Jimmy Fallon were hysterical and most of the animated and live action shorts were really funny. If only every week could be this consistently funny. Interesting Sidenote: Did you know that Ace and Gary are voiced by Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell? Me neither, until I read it this week before the show.
Not from the show, but there’s nothing ambiguous about these guys.
That’s it. Those are the shows I watch. Hope you enjoyed the recaps. If not, then suck it bitch!
2 comments:
I'd never want to *be* stephen in top chef, but I sure as hell would like to be there the day he gets seriously pummeled by some bike. The guy is a total asshole. being too blunt is one thing. being a pompous fucking dick is another. thank god he won't win that thing. believe me, that guy doesn't need any more validation. the chorus of his id and his ego is shouting loud enough to make up for his lack of friends.
Yeah, I agree. I was happy to see him go, but I do think he was talented. The problem was he was so talented that he didn't think his shit stank. That's always a recipe for disaster (ha ha recipe, get it? - I crack myself up sometimes).
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