American Idol Weekly Recap

I'm gonna be recapping tv shows every week in a nice little compilation, but since I am addicted to AI and I think it's the most important thing that will ever happen to us as patriotic US citizens, I'm going to be doing my own individual AI recap until it ends next month. So here goes.

AMERICAN IDOL: World’s Greatest Love Songs feat. Andrea Bocelli and David Foster (4/26/06):

An interesting show to say the least. It started out with what I thought was a really good performance of ‘I Have Nothing’ by Katharine McPhee. First off, let me just say that Katharine’s my favorite – LOVE her (‘love’ said in a high pitched way that would never be said by someone who likes vagina). And she was smokin’ hot in a yellow dress with Pam Anderson cleavage and a skirt split up to her yoohoo like she was Lisa Rinna in “Dancing With The Stars” without all the wrinkly leather skin. It wasn’t her absolute best performance, but it was still better than about 90% of all the performances that have ever been done on the show in the last 5 years. And, she gets extra credit for keeping her composure and staying in tune as her top button popped on the dress slit (hee hee, I said slit) and she barely kept all of teenage America from seeing her hairy baby hole.


I See England, I See France

And what do you know? All the judges ripped her like she was a cheap pair of panty hose (even Paula was really mean). The general consensus from the judges was that Katharine wasn’t Whitney Houston and she should never sing again until she turns black, gets a crack addiction and marries a felonious overrated R&B performer with a reality show on basic cable. Katharine might have avoided the bad comments if she had just let Simon and Randy see her secret pleasure triangle instead of quickly covering it like a modest nun and not showing it off like the secret Hustler Honey we all know she wants to be. Either that, or she could have pulled a Tara Reid and 'accidentally' let one of her pleasure puppies out of that tight yellow muzzle she had them in. I'm sure Randy would have given her a standing ovation (if he was able to stand up with a pup tent in his pants).


Brokeback Mountains

I was actually stunned by the judge’s nasty comments, the audience was stunned and it was obvious that Katharine was stunned too. A lesser person would have broken down in sobs… but I kept my eyes dry – ha, ha. No, she handled it really well except for the fact that the look on her face was as if her beloved poodle had just been run over by a gang of Hell’s Angels. I’m not sure what was wrong with the judges, but my guess is that Paula finally started sharing her little green pills and bourbon chaser with Simon and Randy and they all took them just before the show started. Anyway, if I ever thought that the show was fixed and the judges were trying to manipulate the results, then Tuesday after Katharine’s performance sealed it.

Elliott Yamin was next and probably gave the performance of the night. I’ve not been high on him for most of the season, but he definitely gave a great performance of a song I’ve never heard before - supposedly a "classic" by Donny Hathaway. If only Elliott could just get a personality or wear a leather codpiece or accidentally say ‘fuck’ during the live show, then I could really get behind him. Still, the judges were fair with him and applauded him appropriately. Although Paula about had a nervous breakdown while praising him through her tears of spaced out joy. Knowing her penchant for sleeping with ugly contestants, I think Elliott might get some extracurricular help from Paula if he's not careful. If she had been anymore effusive over Elliott, she would have jumped up on stage and gone down on him in front of 40 million people. It was fun watching Simon trying (not very) hard to keep his composure through all this though.


"You Move Me Elliott. Will you put your Yamin in my Abdul?"

Kellie Pickler was next. Now let me just say, I actually like her despite her obvious playing up of the stupid hayseed charm she’s been tossing out there every week. Don’t get me wrong, it got her a lot of sympathy votes and gave erections to the few straight males who watch the show and vote, but coming from the South, I get irritated at people who act stupid and want you to think “I’m an idiot Southerner, so don’t expect anything of me since I’m so uncultured and naive’. It was a smart thing for her to do since she didn’t have the strongest singing voice and would never make it to the top on her talent alone, but it was still irritating. And she needed it more than ever since she gave a boring rendition of one of the most boring songs of all time - “Unchained Melody”. I nodded off 10 seconds into the song and woke up when she hit the high note towards the end that David Foster had begged her to change. Note to Kellie: when one of the world’s most successful superstar producers suggests you make a change to a song, you should immediately do it and respond, “Yes sir, I will do it... and may I suck your wang for you as well?” Just do it, do it, do it!

Paris Bennett came next. Hard to judge this one. She sang Barbra’s ‘Memories’ and she hit all the correct notes, but it still wasn’t a great performance. I seem to be one of the few people out there that actually likes the little spitfire, but I still couldn’t totally get into the song. For the first time, I did sort of think the song was a little old for her. However, since ‘Baby Got Back’ wouldn’t be considered a great love song, all the songs they could choose from would probably sound a little too old for her high pitched 17 year old cuteness.

Taylor Hicks sang next and just upped the boring factor with James Ingram’s ‘Just Once’. BORING! Nothing funny for me to say about him, just that it’s time for him to go. Seems like a nice guy, but really, he’s the least talented of everyone left.

Ending the show was Chris Daughtry singing Bryan Adams. You heard me, Our resident edgy rocker sang that classic hardcore love song, ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?’. Puuulease! Fine, he sang it well and girls all over the country had to change their panties a couple of times during his performance, but Bryan Adams? Really? The guy that was supposed to bring a real rock element to the show is singing Bryan Adams and Creed songs? Yes, he’ll probably win the whole damn thing and he can sing, but any respect I had for him went out the window as soon as I heard these thrashing lyrics from one of Canada's deepest philosophers:

“To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly”

Yep, hardcore Chris, HARDCORE! If we’re lucky, maybe you’ll sing some Air Supply next week since I think they’re a little more rock than Bryan Adams. To all you Bryan Adams fans out there, I apologize for making fun of your favorite rocker, it’s just that you’re a fag if you like him. Sorry, there have been studies done and it’s true. Judges loved Chris though. He’s soooo going to the finals.


"You know I'm gonna win, you bitches."


AMERICAN IDOL: Results Show (4/27/06):

Yah! The right person went home. Kellie Pickler pickled her last song on the show. She was sweet and funny and very composed as Ryan Seacrest tried to create his typical crappy moment of suspense during the Results Show. She was great as her name was announced instead of Paris, so I won’t be mean, but it was a relief to see her go. She knew it was time to leave last week, so I’m glad the American public finally caught up with her.


"Ryan, get your G.D. hands off of me or I'll sick my Daddy on you when he gets out of the pen."

The biggest surprise was that Katharine was in the top two and that there were so many calls to the show about how unfair the judges were to her that Simon and Randy apologized. They claimed that she sounded much better to them during the playback, but it was obvious to me that they realized everyone saw through their pathetic ruse to get rid of the one chick that might be able to challenge Chris during the finals. For some reason they seem to think it is in their best interest to have a white rock guy win the title. Maybe they’re right, but it still sucks to see them obviously trying to manipulate the competition so blatantly. You’d think they were Republicans during an election year or something. Simon’s like the Karl Rove of reality talent shows and Paula is his idiot George W. puppet. They’re all dirty bitches, if you ask me.