A regular feature I hope to keep up is a weekly roundup of all the tv programs of the past 7 days. I can’t cover everything because I don’t watch everything and I don’t have the cool pay channels like HBO and Showtime (which only rich people have anyway), but I watch enough to be able to talk about some of the more important or gayer stuff. I also might write some longer recaps of some of the reality shows I watch, since they are the most fun to ridicule. Anyway, I hope you enjoy:
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:
Recap show. Ugggh!
GREYS ANATOMY:
Rerun. Double Ugggh!
SO NOTORIOUS:
Okay, I finally caught VH1’s new scripted show featuring Tori Spelling and was moderately amused. They had a 3 show, commercial free marathon and I watched it since my regular shows fell through. Here’s what I thought. Tori likes making fun of herself and is actually more entertaining than people give her credit for. Does Meryl Streep have anything to worry about? No, but Jenny McCarthy might want to watch her back.
The next Meryl or Jenny?
Anyway, for a basic cable channel series starring Tori Spelling and Loni Anderson, the show is pretty good. Although, that’s like saying, in the middle of Botswana, McDonald’s is a really good restaurant. I actually laughed a few times (once out loud) and that’s more than I can say for a full season of a show like “According To Jim” or “The War At Home”. In fact, I think Tori and Loni are both solid comedians (I never thought I’d ever say anything positive about Loni Anderson in relation to acting, but there you go). However, I can totally understand the rumors I’ve been hearing about Tori’s real mother, Candy Spelling, wanting to sue Tori and VH1 over the show, because even if only 25% of Loni’s portrayal of Kiki (Candy) is accurate, then she’s scarier than Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers combined. She’s like Karen Walker on steroids with enough plastic surgery to embarrass Joan Rivers. Really frightening.
The next Joan Rivers?
I’ll probably watch the show again, but I can say that I don’t like the gay best friend, Sasan. Not because he’s a flaming cliché (if cliché’s bothered me, I’d never have anything to watch but “Lost”). No, I don’t like him because the guy who plays him is a REALLY bad comic actor and has all the delivery of a 500 lb. UPS driver with a cast on his leg. If you’re gonna create a fabulous fag for a character, then at least find a fabulous fag to play him – preferably one who is attractive and can act.
The next unemployed has been actor?
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE:
One of my new favorite shows, but unfortunately I missed it this week.
AMERICAN IDOL:
See my weekly post here: JM American Idol Weekly Recap
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL:
Episode 9 - The Girl Who Is a Model, Not a Masseuse:
Tyra demonstrates her technique for coming up with new show ideas when she needs to think real hard.
I’m only going to do a quick recap of this show since Rich at his fourfour blog really does the best recap around. Check it out here: Four Four
My own shorter recap:
The girls act bitchy with each other in their fabulous model house.
The girls compete in a badly planned competition (fake interviews with Vanity Fair’s nasty George Wayne this time). One girl wins and the others applaud her with fake golf claps while seething inside (Nnenna wins this one - again).
“Don’t mess with me, Jade. I’ll fuck you up!”
The girls act bitchy with each other about the competition.
The girls get a big surprise (flying to Thailand this time). Girls act like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them.
The girls get bitchy with each other before the photo shoot (this time in their fabulous hotel suite and/or hideously pimped out pink van).
The girls compete in a photo shoot competition (hanging in a net with smelly dead fish over old ugly foreign women as they act like beautiful mermaids who are happy to be caught as the fish of the day).
Jay makes bitchy comments towards the girls during the shoot as he cowardly hides behind the monitor where they can’t hear him.
“Joanie, that’s grosssssss! Get your breast off of me now!”
Girls get bitchy with each other during the mermaid photo shoot.
The girls go to judging, but never seem to think to dress up like models with good clothes, fixed hair or applied makeup. Girls get told they should dress like models when they come to judging with good clothes, fixed hair and applied makeup. Advice goes in one ear and out the other immediately.
“Like my gills?”
During judging, Tyra acts ghetto while giving personality advice to the girls. Tyra acts high class while judging pictures of the girls. Girls learn nothing.
Miss J. makes useless comments using his blender head, finger snapping and emotive eye-raising while being the gayest human being alive (this time in pigtails).
Nigel smolders in his role as former model/photographer/male eye candy for the gay fans while flirting lewdly with one of the girls and making inappropriate comments that would get him slapped with a sexual harassment suit in any other line of work. Says nothing helpful.
Twiggy gives useless advice with a British accent. Acts English ghetto, which is high class to the rest of us.
Forgettable guest judge makes useless comments, is ignored by the other ‘real’ judges and then gets edited out of almost every frame.
Jesus said, "Give a model a fish and she’ll eat for a day. Teach a model to be a fish and she’ll get a 100k Cover Girl modeling contract."
Girls leave and are judged as comments are edited to fool the viewer. Viewer guesses who’s leaving by hearing which girl did not have any super positive or extremely negative comments.
Tyra says “America’s Next Top Model” over a million times in 5 minutes while handing out pictures, insulting the bottom 2 girls and then destroying the lifelong dream of the loser.
Donna Summer and M’Shell Ndegeocello?
Girl goes home (exotic, but boring Nnenna this time). Other girls fake cry and act like they aren’t really happy to see their competition go back home to a life of obscurity.
Take the hook out of her mouth and throw her back in the sea.
The end.
BTW, Danielle and Joanie need to be the final 2. Danielle is my pick since I love her fabulous country ghetto accent and her pictures are slammin’. Joanie’s quiet conniving and her really beautiful pictures make her a close second for me.
“Yeah, I’m the shit and you know it, bitches!”
LOST:
Recap show. Triple Ugggh!
TOP CHEF:
Episode 8 – Wedding Bell Blues:
One of my new favorite shows. I thought nothing could take the place of Project Runway when it finished, but TC is a worthy successor. The kitchen is not as fabulous as the fashion world, but chefs are even more arrogant and just as bitchy as any clothing queen can be.
Anyway, this week the chefs had to work together to prepare a meal for a wedding party of 100 people that was taking place in 16 hours. In that time, they had to take their $3000 and shop, plan, prepare and execute 6 courses for the meal including the wedding cake.
Shock and surprise, it was a gay couple that were tying the knot – the 2 Scotts. I know what you’re thinking – a gay couple?… in San Francisco?… on Bravo?… just shocking!
“What do you think Scott?” “ I don’t know Scott, what do you think?” “I’ll tell you what I think Scott, I think our life together is gonna get confusing.”
Anyway, the 2 Scotts wanted an Asian influenced menu and unsurprisingly, they picked the only real Asian to plan that menu – chef Lee Ann Wong. Of course, Lee Ann planned the complicated over reaching menu before she was told that they only had 16 hours to prepare the meal and that they would have to shop for their food supplies after all the real stores had closed for the night and that they would even need to pull an all-nighter to complete the challenge. Hmmm, why would anyone let people prepare their wedding reception meal under those circumstances? Oh well, they’re gay, so it’s not really a marriage, just a commitment ceremony that has no legal standing. You know us fags, we all have orgies after our wedding receptions and are all gonna have meaningless open marriages anyway. Commitment Schommitment!
Wong, yet so Wight.
Another shock and surprise, it all goes horribly awry and the food turns out crappy for the most part. The salmon was extremely cheap stuff that was gotten from an all-night grocery store – perfect for one of the most important days of your life. The wedding cake was made from Betty Crocker cake mix since the chefs didn’t have the money, time or experience to prepare a real cake – just what every gay man expects to serve all his friends at his wedding. Betty Crocker for a wedding cake? I have a feeling one couple is gonna get disowned from the gay community.
Judge Tom mocks the wedding cake of the gays.
It sort of made me angry that the show put them in this impossible situation and then criticized them for messing up the reception meal for the wedding. It had nothing to do with being a chef. Nothing! The worst a chef has to face in the real world is messing up someone’s dinner for the night and if they do, they can just give it away for free to help make up for it. And a real caterer (like Dave has been before) would never have such little money, time, people and selection in order to prepare a reception meal for a wedding. It was just mean and unfair for everyone involved – even for a reality tv show! But it was damn good television.
“You bitches expect us to do what in 16 hours?”
I really am starting to dislike judges/food experts/hosts Tom and Katie Lee (Gail is okay). They both have such an air of superiority about them. Tom seems to think that he could have done so much better than the contestants did under the same circumstances. He would have fucked up just as bad, and everyone knows it. And Katie Lee? For such a pretty girl and wife of an extremely rich man, Billy Joel, she acts like she’s got a flag pole shoved up her ass and the president has just called for all flags to be lowered to half mast – just sour and mean. She also looks like she’s never eaten a bite of solid food in her life. Either that, or she’s in the bathroom after every meal ramming that flag pole down her throat instead. Maybe she’s just miserable since Billy is probably beating her during his drunken rages. Cheer up Katie Lee – you’re young, beautiful, wealthy and probably only get smacked around occasionally by your sixty-something sugar daddy.
Katie Lee Joel – Food expert / abuse victim?
So I digress. When all is said and done, it’s Stephen that gets to go home. Not because he’s a bad chef, but because he’s a complete asshole and has gotten to go through most of the show to make entertaining tv and now has to be punished for his sins to satisfy the viewers. Unlike shows like Survivor, where there are no judges, reality shows with expert ‘judges’ are never allowed to let the really bad guys win. It’s just common sense. Americans like to love the bad guy and then make them pay for being the asshole we all really want to be. God bless America! If this show were set in France, the rudest person would always win – it would be a requirement.
“I’m leaving? Something is fishy here.”
Anyway, I predict that Harold will be the next to go. He’s been less than impressive for most weeks and his ‘I take responsibility for my fuckups’ attitude at judging is starting to wear thin. I mean really, what is that about? Could you please grow a pair and start blaming your mistakes on the other weaker contests. Do you want to be a mean reality show WINNER so you can get laid by ugly D list celebrities or do you want to be a nice reality show LOSER so you can get laid by moderately attractive secretaries? This is America Harold, D list celebrities are the new black.
Harold - Secretary fucker
Besides this is Bravo, so the 3 gay people need to be in the final 3 competition. Yeah, yeah, I know. Lee Ann and Tiffani both have boyfriends, but have you seen these chicks? I would be shocked to find out their boyfriends weren’t named Pat or Chris and wore flannel shirts and Birkenstocks. And Dave? If he were anymore prissy and melodramatic, he’d be a guest star on Will And Grace as one of Jack’s boyfriends. My money is on Tiffani to go all the way. She looks like she’d shove shards of glass into the other chef’s dishes if she could get away with it. Oh yeah, she’s not gonna let anyone take that title from her.
Just try and tell me she’s not a lesbian. Seriously.
SOUTH PARK:
In a year of awesome episodes, this one was only pretty good. Al Gore makes a visit to South Park and Cartman shoots treasure out of his ass. That pretty much sums it up. “I’m serial.”
WILL & GRACE:
Will’s Dad dies and the show takes place right after the funeral. There were no new surprise celebrity guest stars (just the same old ones). It was moderately funny and a little sad – like a very special episode of ‘Blossom’ if Blossom’s brother Joey was a flaming homo. Since there are only 4 shows left of the series, you’d think they would be trying to go out on a high note. Instead they are making mediocre shows with bad endings. What gives?
MY NAME IS EARL:
Missed the show this week. I’m sure Jamie Pressley was a hoot as usual.
THE OFFICE:
Drug testing in the office. Hysterical. Steve Carell is a God. Too many great lines and situations to really recap, but watching Michael trying to convince Dwight to give him his urine was one of the funniest exchanges on any tv show this whole year.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:
The usually stagnant show was really good this week because it was all animated shorts by Robert Smigel and was hosted by Ace and Gary of The Ambiguously Gay Duo fame. Their interactions with the cast as they talked about Jimmy Fallon were hysterical and most of the animated and live action shorts were really funny. If only every week could be this consistently funny. Interesting Sidenote: Did you know that Ace and Gary are voiced by Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell? Me neither, until I read it this week before the show.
Not from the show, but there’s nothing ambiguous about these guys.
That’s it. Those are the shows I watch. Hope you enjoyed the recaps. If not, then suck it bitch!
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Quote Of The Week
Been hoping for a The Smith's reunion? Don't hold your breath. It ain't gonna happen unless Morrissey loses his mind and aquires a taste for genital cannibalism. It could happen I guess. From a recent interview with Uncut Magazine:
"I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."
"Just because I was talking about balls in a magazine called Uncut doesn't mean I'm gay"
"I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."
"Just because I was talking about balls in a magazine called Uncut doesn't mean I'm gay"
Stephen Colbert Is A Great American
Stephen Colbert was the speaker at the White House Correspondents Dinner and talked about every major issue that W. would have liked to have avoided. You can hear the uncomfortable rustling in the room through the whole speech and supposedly, W. and Mrs. W. were NOT pleased. Check it out here (look for the Saturday, April 29th posting with video links): Crooks And Liars
Yah for Colbert! He is my hero. Check out his show on Comedy Central, M-Th at 11:30pm. His imitation of Bill O'Reilly's blowhard idiocy is spot on. And his demolishing of Bill Kristol the other night is worth seeing too. Check it out here (look for the Bill Kristol link towards the bottom): The Colbert Report
While you're at it, go over to this site and say a little thanks to the man. I know it feels good to be appreciated. Thank You Stephen Colbert
Colbert tells the truthiness
Yah for Colbert! He is my hero. Check out his show on Comedy Central, M-Th at 11:30pm. His imitation of Bill O'Reilly's blowhard idiocy is spot on. And his demolishing of Bill Kristol the other night is worth seeing too. Check it out here (look for the Bill Kristol link towards the bottom): The Colbert Report
While you're at it, go over to this site and say a little thanks to the man. I know it feels good to be appreciated. Thank You Stephen Colbert
Colbert tells the truthiness
American Idol Weekly Recap
I'm gonna be recapping tv shows every week in a nice little compilation, but since I am addicted to AI and I think it's the most important thing that will ever happen to us as patriotic US citizens, I'm going to be doing my own individual AI recap until it ends next month. So here goes.
AMERICAN IDOL: World’s Greatest Love Songs feat. Andrea Bocelli and David Foster (4/26/06):
An interesting show to say the least. It started out with what I thought was a really good performance of ‘I Have Nothing’ by Katharine McPhee. First off, let me just say that Katharine’s my favorite – LOVE her (‘love’ said in a high pitched way that would never be said by someone who likes vagina). And she was smokin’ hot in a yellow dress with Pam Anderson cleavage and a skirt split up to her yoohoo like she was Lisa Rinna in “Dancing With The Stars” without all the wrinkly leather skin. It wasn’t her absolute best performance, but it was still better than about 90% of all the performances that have ever been done on the show in the last 5 years. And, she gets extra credit for keeping her composure and staying in tune as her top button popped on the dress slit (hee hee, I said slit) and she barely kept all of teenage America from seeing her hairy baby hole.
I See England, I See France
And what do you know? All the judges ripped her like she was a cheap pair of panty hose (even Paula was really mean). The general consensus from the judges was that Katharine wasn’t Whitney Houston and she should never sing again until she turns black, gets a crack addiction and marries a felonious overrated R&B performer with a reality show on basic cable. Katharine might have avoided the bad comments if she had just let Simon and Randy see her secret pleasure triangle instead of quickly covering it like a modest nun and not showing it off like the secret Hustler Honey we all know she wants to be. Either that, or she could have pulled a Tara Reid and 'accidentally' let one of her pleasure puppies out of that tight yellow muzzle she had them in. I'm sure Randy would have given her a standing ovation (if he was able to stand up with a pup tent in his pants).
Brokeback Mountains
I was actually stunned by the judge’s nasty comments, the audience was stunned and it was obvious that Katharine was stunned too. A lesser person would have broken down in sobs… but I kept my eyes dry – ha, ha. No, she handled it really well except for the fact that the look on her face was as if her beloved poodle had just been run over by a gang of Hell’s Angels. I’m not sure what was wrong with the judges, but my guess is that Paula finally started sharing her little green pills and bourbon chaser with Simon and Randy and they all took them just before the show started. Anyway, if I ever thought that the show was fixed and the judges were trying to manipulate the results, then Tuesday after Katharine’s performance sealed it.
Elliott Yamin was next and probably gave the performance of the night. I’ve not been high on him for most of the season, but he definitely gave a great performance of a song I’ve never heard before - supposedly a "classic" by Donny Hathaway. If only Elliott could just get a personality or wear a leather codpiece or accidentally say ‘fuck’ during the live show, then I could really get behind him. Still, the judges were fair with him and applauded him appropriately. Although Paula about had a nervous breakdown while praising him through her tears of spaced out joy. Knowing her penchant for sleeping with ugly contestants, I think Elliott might get some extracurricular help from Paula if he's not careful. If she had been anymore effusive over Elliott, she would have jumped up on stage and gone down on him in front of 40 million people. It was fun watching Simon trying (not very) hard to keep his composure through all this though.
"You Move Me Elliott. Will you put your Yamin in my Abdul?"
Kellie Pickler was next. Now let me just say, I actually like her despite her obvious playing up of the stupid hayseed charm she’s been tossing out there every week. Don’t get me wrong, it got her a lot of sympathy votes and gave erections to the few straight males who watch the show and vote, but coming from the South, I get irritated at people who act stupid and want you to think “I’m an idiot Southerner, so don’t expect anything of me since I’m so uncultured and naive’. It was a smart thing for her to do since she didn’t have the strongest singing voice and would never make it to the top on her talent alone, but it was still irritating. And she needed it more than ever since she gave a boring rendition of one of the most boring songs of all time - “Unchained Melody”. I nodded off 10 seconds into the song and woke up when she hit the high note towards the end that David Foster had begged her to change. Note to Kellie: when one of the world’s most successful superstar producers suggests you make a change to a song, you should immediately do it and respond, “Yes sir, I will do it... and may I suck your wang for you as well?” Just do it, do it, do it!
Paris Bennett came next. Hard to judge this one. She sang Barbra’s ‘Memories’ and she hit all the correct notes, but it still wasn’t a great performance. I seem to be one of the few people out there that actually likes the little spitfire, but I still couldn’t totally get into the song. For the first time, I did sort of think the song was a little old for her. However, since ‘Baby Got Back’ wouldn’t be considered a great love song, all the songs they could choose from would probably sound a little too old for her high pitched 17 year old cuteness.
Taylor Hicks sang next and just upped the boring factor with James Ingram’s ‘Just Once’. BORING! Nothing funny for me to say about him, just that it’s time for him to go. Seems like a nice guy, but really, he’s the least talented of everyone left.
Ending the show was Chris Daughtry singing Bryan Adams. You heard me, Our resident edgy rocker sang that classic hardcore love song, ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?’. Puuulease! Fine, he sang it well and girls all over the country had to change their panties a couple of times during his performance, but Bryan Adams? Really? The guy that was supposed to bring a real rock element to the show is singing Bryan Adams and Creed songs? Yes, he’ll probably win the whole damn thing and he can sing, but any respect I had for him went out the window as soon as I heard these thrashing lyrics from one of Canada's deepest philosophers:
“To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly”
Yep, hardcore Chris, HARDCORE! If we’re lucky, maybe you’ll sing some Air Supply next week since I think they’re a little more rock than Bryan Adams. To all you Bryan Adams fans out there, I apologize for making fun of your favorite rocker, it’s just that you’re a fag if you like him. Sorry, there have been studies done and it’s true. Judges loved Chris though. He’s soooo going to the finals.
"You know I'm gonna win, you bitches."
AMERICAN IDOL: Results Show (4/27/06):
Yah! The right person went home. Kellie Pickler pickled her last song on the show. She was sweet and funny and very composed as Ryan Seacrest tried to create his typical crappy moment of suspense during the Results Show. She was great as her name was announced instead of Paris, so I won’t be mean, but it was a relief to see her go. She knew it was time to leave last week, so I’m glad the American public finally caught up with her.
"Ryan, get your G.D. hands off of me or I'll sick my Daddy on you when he gets out of the pen."
The biggest surprise was that Katharine was in the top two and that there were so many calls to the show about how unfair the judges were to her that Simon and Randy apologized. They claimed that she sounded much better to them during the playback, but it was obvious to me that they realized everyone saw through their pathetic ruse to get rid of the one chick that might be able to challenge Chris during the finals. For some reason they seem to think it is in their best interest to have a white rock guy win the title. Maybe they’re right, but it still sucks to see them obviously trying to manipulate the competition so blatantly. You’d think they were Republicans during an election year or something. Simon’s like the Karl Rove of reality talent shows and Paula is his idiot George W. puppet. They’re all dirty bitches, if you ask me.
AMERICAN IDOL: World’s Greatest Love Songs feat. Andrea Bocelli and David Foster (4/26/06):
An interesting show to say the least. It started out with what I thought was a really good performance of ‘I Have Nothing’ by Katharine McPhee. First off, let me just say that Katharine’s my favorite – LOVE her (‘love’ said in a high pitched way that would never be said by someone who likes vagina). And she was smokin’ hot in a yellow dress with Pam Anderson cleavage and a skirt split up to her yoohoo like she was Lisa Rinna in “Dancing With The Stars” without all the wrinkly leather skin. It wasn’t her absolute best performance, but it was still better than about 90% of all the performances that have ever been done on the show in the last 5 years. And, she gets extra credit for keeping her composure and staying in tune as her top button popped on the dress slit (hee hee, I said slit) and she barely kept all of teenage America from seeing her hairy baby hole.
I See England, I See France
And what do you know? All the judges ripped her like she was a cheap pair of panty hose (even Paula was really mean). The general consensus from the judges was that Katharine wasn’t Whitney Houston and she should never sing again until she turns black, gets a crack addiction and marries a felonious overrated R&B performer with a reality show on basic cable. Katharine might have avoided the bad comments if she had just let Simon and Randy see her secret pleasure triangle instead of quickly covering it like a modest nun and not showing it off like the secret Hustler Honey we all know she wants to be. Either that, or she could have pulled a Tara Reid and 'accidentally' let one of her pleasure puppies out of that tight yellow muzzle she had them in. I'm sure Randy would have given her a standing ovation (if he was able to stand up with a pup tent in his pants).
Brokeback Mountains
I was actually stunned by the judge’s nasty comments, the audience was stunned and it was obvious that Katharine was stunned too. A lesser person would have broken down in sobs… but I kept my eyes dry – ha, ha. No, she handled it really well except for the fact that the look on her face was as if her beloved poodle had just been run over by a gang of Hell’s Angels. I’m not sure what was wrong with the judges, but my guess is that Paula finally started sharing her little green pills and bourbon chaser with Simon and Randy and they all took them just before the show started. Anyway, if I ever thought that the show was fixed and the judges were trying to manipulate the results, then Tuesday after Katharine’s performance sealed it.
Elliott Yamin was next and probably gave the performance of the night. I’ve not been high on him for most of the season, but he definitely gave a great performance of a song I’ve never heard before - supposedly a "classic" by Donny Hathaway. If only Elliott could just get a personality or wear a leather codpiece or accidentally say ‘fuck’ during the live show, then I could really get behind him. Still, the judges were fair with him and applauded him appropriately. Although Paula about had a nervous breakdown while praising him through her tears of spaced out joy. Knowing her penchant for sleeping with ugly contestants, I think Elliott might get some extracurricular help from Paula if he's not careful. If she had been anymore effusive over Elliott, she would have jumped up on stage and gone down on him in front of 40 million people. It was fun watching Simon trying (not very) hard to keep his composure through all this though.
"You Move Me Elliott. Will you put your Yamin in my Abdul?"
Kellie Pickler was next. Now let me just say, I actually like her despite her obvious playing up of the stupid hayseed charm she’s been tossing out there every week. Don’t get me wrong, it got her a lot of sympathy votes and gave erections to the few straight males who watch the show and vote, but coming from the South, I get irritated at people who act stupid and want you to think “I’m an idiot Southerner, so don’t expect anything of me since I’m so uncultured and naive’. It was a smart thing for her to do since she didn’t have the strongest singing voice and would never make it to the top on her talent alone, but it was still irritating. And she needed it more than ever since she gave a boring rendition of one of the most boring songs of all time - “Unchained Melody”. I nodded off 10 seconds into the song and woke up when she hit the high note towards the end that David Foster had begged her to change. Note to Kellie: when one of the world’s most successful superstar producers suggests you make a change to a song, you should immediately do it and respond, “Yes sir, I will do it... and may I suck your wang for you as well?” Just do it, do it, do it!
Paris Bennett came next. Hard to judge this one. She sang Barbra’s ‘Memories’ and she hit all the correct notes, but it still wasn’t a great performance. I seem to be one of the few people out there that actually likes the little spitfire, but I still couldn’t totally get into the song. For the first time, I did sort of think the song was a little old for her. However, since ‘Baby Got Back’ wouldn’t be considered a great love song, all the songs they could choose from would probably sound a little too old for her high pitched 17 year old cuteness.
Taylor Hicks sang next and just upped the boring factor with James Ingram’s ‘Just Once’. BORING! Nothing funny for me to say about him, just that it’s time for him to go. Seems like a nice guy, but really, he’s the least talented of everyone left.
Ending the show was Chris Daughtry singing Bryan Adams. You heard me, Our resident edgy rocker sang that classic hardcore love song, ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?’. Puuulease! Fine, he sang it well and girls all over the country had to change their panties a couple of times during his performance, but Bryan Adams? Really? The guy that was supposed to bring a real rock element to the show is singing Bryan Adams and Creed songs? Yes, he’ll probably win the whole damn thing and he can sing, but any respect I had for him went out the window as soon as I heard these thrashing lyrics from one of Canada's deepest philosophers:
“To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly”
Yep, hardcore Chris, HARDCORE! If we’re lucky, maybe you’ll sing some Air Supply next week since I think they’re a little more rock than Bryan Adams. To all you Bryan Adams fans out there, I apologize for making fun of your favorite rocker, it’s just that you’re a fag if you like him. Sorry, there have been studies done and it’s true. Judges loved Chris though. He’s soooo going to the finals.
"You know I'm gonna win, you bitches."
AMERICAN IDOL: Results Show (4/27/06):
Yah! The right person went home. Kellie Pickler pickled her last song on the show. She was sweet and funny and very composed as Ryan Seacrest tried to create his typical crappy moment of suspense during the Results Show. She was great as her name was announced instead of Paris, so I won’t be mean, but it was a relief to see her go. She knew it was time to leave last week, so I’m glad the American public finally caught up with her.
"Ryan, get your G.D. hands off of me or I'll sick my Daddy on you when he gets out of the pen."
The biggest surprise was that Katharine was in the top two and that there were so many calls to the show about how unfair the judges were to her that Simon and Randy apologized. They claimed that she sounded much better to them during the playback, but it was obvious to me that they realized everyone saw through their pathetic ruse to get rid of the one chick that might be able to challenge Chris during the finals. For some reason they seem to think it is in their best interest to have a white rock guy win the title. Maybe they’re right, but it still sucks to see them obviously trying to manipulate the competition so blatantly. You’d think they were Republicans during an election year or something. Simon’s like the Karl Rove of reality talent shows and Paula is his idiot George W. puppet. They’re all dirty bitches, if you ask me.
Heading To The Big House?
Okay, I know we've been hearing the rumours for over a year now and most of us have been crossing our fingers for the fateful day to come (at least those of us who have half a brain and a sense of fairness), but is Karl Rove finally days away from taking the Perp Walk? With his new grand jury visits this past week and his recent job downgrade in the White House to re-election guru, it's looking more and more like Fitzmas is finally coming. I've got my bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star on ice and my friends on redial for when the announcement is made in the next week.
I almost opened the bottle yesterday when Rush Limbaugh was arrested, but decided that Rove's incarceration is a more appropriate time to break into a $40 bottle of champagne. I went out and bought a bottle of Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante for Rush's news instead. He may be the world's greatest ass, but since he has no direct political power, he's really only worth a $10 bottle of fizzy wine. So cross your fingers folks. That bottle of White Star is beckoning me and I don't know if I can hold off for more than another week or so for Rove to be indicted.
It's not real, but here's a picture to cheer you up while we wait for the announcement. Merry Fitzmas!
"Valerie who? I've never heard of her, I swear!"
I almost opened the bottle yesterday when Rush Limbaugh was arrested, but decided that Rove's incarceration is a more appropriate time to break into a $40 bottle of champagne. I went out and bought a bottle of Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante for Rush's news instead. He may be the world's greatest ass, but since he has no direct political power, he's really only worth a $10 bottle of fizzy wine. So cross your fingers folks. That bottle of White Star is beckoning me and I don't know if I can hold off for more than another week or so for Rove to be indicted.
It's not real, but here's a picture to cheer you up while we wait for the announcement. Merry Fitzmas!
"Valerie who? I've never heard of her, I swear!"
Some Linky Goodness
I've heard the songs about his Mom. Looks like Eminem is finally getting his wish. Fametastic
These kids must have the world's worst parents to allow them to be in this picture. Best Week Ever
Hot, wet, half naked and arrogant - just the way I like 'em. A Socialite's Life
David Blaine? We can only hope. Dlisted
Grrrrrooooosssssssss! Maybe she's just been visiting Brad and Angelina in Namibia. Just Jared
Avril Lavigne's boyfriend is HOT SHIT (now take out the word hot)! I Don't Like You In That Way
America's Next Top Model Recap. Rich Rocks my world! Four Four
These kids must have the world's worst parents to allow them to be in this picture. Best Week Ever
Hot, wet, half naked and arrogant - just the way I like 'em. A Socialite's Life
David Blaine? We can only hope. Dlisted
Grrrrrooooosssssssss! Maybe she's just been visiting Brad and Angelina in Namibia. Just Jared
Avril Lavigne's boyfriend is HOT SHIT (now take out the word hot)! I Don't Like You In That Way
America's Next Top Model Recap. Rich Rocks my world! Four Four
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Not Good Enough For Perez
Fed Up
Alright, gonna vent. I read a lot of gossip blogs daily and one of my favorites has been Perez Hilton's. However, I'm starting to get a little aggravated. I've sent him items in the past and always ask him to give me credit if he uses them. He's used 2 of my things and both times, he didn't give me a shout out for them. That really pisses me off. It's not hard to say a thank you to someone if they send you stuff for your blog. Is it?
And Dlisted aggravates me too. I'm occasionally doing the 'Caption This' contest and submitting captions for some of the pictures he lists. It's not that he doesn't give credit to the winner[s] (he does, even though he misspelled my name the one time I won), it's that he picks some of the worst captions as the winners. Really. Rarely are they funny or original. I think what he does is he gets so many submissions, that he just looks at the beginning of the list and finds the first one that makes him smile and publishes it as the winner. That way he doesn't have to waste much time sorting through the hundreds of submissions. Everyone's sense of humor is different, but I'll look down the list of submissions after he posts a winner and find dozens of ones that are laugh out loud funny while his winner (almost always at the top of the list) just lays there like a big turd. It's a shame, because most of the other stuff on his blog is really good.
I'm sure I'll piss off someone because they are regular readers of those blogs, but just know that I'm not commenting on the whole blogs (because they're both really good). I'm just saying they both do something that irks me that I wish they'd change. So anyway, I submitted something to Perez the other day that I thought was amusing. He hasn't posted it, so I'll just go ahead and post it here since it was mine in the first place. Check the post right after this one with 'Perez' in the title.
And Dlisted aggravates me too. I'm occasionally doing the 'Caption This' contest and submitting captions for some of the pictures he lists. It's not that he doesn't give credit to the winner[s] (he does, even though he misspelled my name the one time I won), it's that he picks some of the worst captions as the winners. Really. Rarely are they funny or original. I think what he does is he gets so many submissions, that he just looks at the beginning of the list and finds the first one that makes him smile and publishes it as the winner. That way he doesn't have to waste much time sorting through the hundreds of submissions. Everyone's sense of humor is different, but I'll look down the list of submissions after he posts a winner and find dozens of ones that are laugh out loud funny while his winner (almost always at the top of the list) just lays there like a big turd. It's a shame, because most of the other stuff on his blog is really good.
I'm sure I'll piss off someone because they are regular readers of those blogs, but just know that I'm not commenting on the whole blogs (because they're both really good). I'm just saying they both do something that irks me that I wish they'd change. So anyway, I submitted something to Perez the other day that I thought was amusing. He hasn't posted it, so I'll just go ahead and post it here since it was mine in the first place. Check the post right after this one with 'Perez' in the title.
Me Me Me!
My First JM
Welcome to my blog.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know - you've got millions of blogs to choose from, so what makes mine special?
Well, first of all, I'm a bitchy gay man who loves ragging on celebrities and famous figures who deserve to be ragged on. OMG, you're thinking, a bitchy gay man with a blog - that's so original!
Second, I plan on using humor as a way to make my blog stand out amongst the masses. Holy crap, you're thinking, funny stuff - I'll believe it when I see it!
Third, I'm an entertainment junkie that has a vast amount of useless information in my head to reference. Wow, you're thinking, a blog full of useless references - now THAT's gotten my attention!
Fourth, I'm a voracious political newshound and plan on covering world events as well. Jesus Christ, you're thinking, this jack-off just gets more original by the minute!
Lastly, I'm an American who's getting married soon to a beautiful Spanish man and moving to Barcelona ('cause, unlike in the US, it's legal to do so there). Hmmm, you're thinking, well at least that adds something slightly different to the mix - a celebrity gossip, humor, entertainment info, political news blog from an American in Spain.
Convinced yet? Well, if not, let me throw this at you. Once I'm up and running and have enough regular readers, I'm gonna be holding contests and giving away free prizes to the winners. Okay, you're thinking, free prizes - now I'm on board!
Well, I hope you enjoy and you keep coming back to check out my blog on a daily basis. Remember, a good JM is always the best way to start your day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know - you've got millions of blogs to choose from, so what makes mine special?
Well, first of all, I'm a bitchy gay man who loves ragging on celebrities and famous figures who deserve to be ragged on. OMG, you're thinking, a bitchy gay man with a blog - that's so original!
Second, I plan on using humor as a way to make my blog stand out amongst the masses. Holy crap, you're thinking, funny stuff - I'll believe it when I see it!
Third, I'm an entertainment junkie that has a vast amount of useless information in my head to reference. Wow, you're thinking, a blog full of useless references - now THAT's gotten my attention!
Fourth, I'm a voracious political newshound and plan on covering world events as well. Jesus Christ, you're thinking, this jack-off just gets more original by the minute!
Lastly, I'm an American who's getting married soon to a beautiful Spanish man and moving to Barcelona ('cause, unlike in the US, it's legal to do so there). Hmmm, you're thinking, well at least that adds something slightly different to the mix - a celebrity gossip, humor, entertainment info, political news blog from an American in Spain.
Convinced yet? Well, if not, let me throw this at you. Once I'm up and running and have enough regular readers, I'm gonna be holding contests and giving away free prizes to the winners. Okay, you're thinking, free prizes - now I'm on board!
Well, I hope you enjoy and you keep coming back to check out my blog on a daily basis. Remember, a good JM is always the best way to start your day.
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