JOWL MOVEMENT

BILBAO, MENORCA, AMSTERDAM, BERLIN, VALENCIA - OH MY!

2007-07-31T08:47:00.001+02:00

These are the places we traveled this summer. Chema put together a little flickr slide show of Bilbao, Berlin and Amsterdam to let you see a little of what we experienced. Check it out here: Ryan & Chema´s Trip.

The pictures below are from the Bilbao trip when we saw Bjork perform at the Guggenheim Museum. Hope your summer was as cool as ours.

As usual, Ryan feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders - well, at least the Guggenheim.

Before the concert, Chema is so excited he can´t speak. However, he is able to communicate through basic finger movement.

STILL ALIVE

2007-03-15T13:30:00.000+01:00

Just trying to get through the next few months of getting married, moving to Spain and starting life over in Barcelona. Will one day soon come back to this blog, but until August I am probably MIA. Sorry I've been an absent uncontactable dick. Hope you'll forgive me when I return and that you all are doing great. Until then...

OH HAPPY DAY!

2006-11-08T20:32:00.000+01:00

The Democrats have taken over the House AND Senate? Rumsfeld resigns? Britney finally dumps that loser K-Fed? I just don't think a day can get any better.

BTW, the real reason Rumsfeld just resigned: Clawjob

Thank you Clawjob (a friend´s band that is terrific and everyone should check out). Your CD Space Crackers rocks!

GREAT UNKNOWN FILMS

2006-09-09T21:34:00.000+02:00

Pajiba recently did an article about the best films that you've never seen. Being a huge film buff, I thought it was a great post that included some incredible films (especially Christopher Nolan's "Following"). The specifications were that they needed to be English language, they couldn't have made more than $2.5 Million domestically, they had to be released after 1991 and they shouldn't be films that got a second life of success when released on video/DVD (like "Donnie Darko"). It got me to thinking about what I might include on that list that they already hadn't. I came up with eleven movies that I can think of right now that qualify. I believe they are worth checking out and are great (for many different reasons). As you can tell, I tend to go for movies that aren't afraid to explore sexuality, dark themes or campy comedy. I haven't seen some of them for quite a while, so maybe they don't hold up as well as I remember, but I think they do and I loved them all when I saw them the first time. In no particular order:

1) L.I.E. - Brian Cox should have earned an Oscar for this film. Incredible acting in the context of a disturbing and fascinating story. Who'da thunk a film revolving around the Long Island Expressway could be so nauseating and moving. I hope Michael Cuestra is able to continue directing films and not just tv (many Six Feet Under episodes).

2) Mysterious Skin - Like L.I.E., it deals with similar themes and has an amazing central performance from Joseph Gordon-Levitt. If this film had been seen by more people, this would have made him a huge star. Based on Scott Heim's challenging book, it is definitely Gregg Araki's most accomplished film.

3) Wet Hot American Summer - Just funny as hell and should have been found by more people. Hysterical homage to bad 80's camp and sex comedies that features an amazingly funny and well known cast. How did this only make 200K in the US?

4) Love & Human Remains - Starring Thomas Gibson before he became Dharma's Greg and Mia Kirshner before The L Word and The Black Dahlia, this is a gay serial killer dramedy from the amazing French Canadian director Denys Arcand who directed one of my favorite films of all time, Jesus Of Montreal. Unfortunately, JoM doesn't qualify for this list, but L&HR is a worthy replacement.

5) Chuck & Buck - Some people just don't get this film and I understand that, but I think it's awesome and has the best work of the Weitz Brothers and Mike White's careers before they started creating more commercial fare. Even if you don't like the film, the fabulous Lupe Ontiveros (Carlos's mother on Desperate Housewives) makes it worth seeing. My prediction: Director Miquel Arteta (The Good Girl) is eventually going to make a classic film that will be remembered by the world.

6) The Mother - Featuring the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, as a man sleeping with both a grieving mother (twice his age) and angry daughter, this is another film I don't think everyone appreciates. However, I love the open ended conclusion and the real look at unbridled lust, ageism and family betrayal. Everyone points to Craig being great in Layer Cake, but this is my favorite of his earlier roles.

7) Beautiful Thing - Gay themes aside, this is one of the most beautiful films I've ever seen about the power of young love (God, I sound like a Hallmark Card). It's gritty and real, but also romantic and ultimately moving. It's not just about the love of the 2 boys, but also the about the unflinching love between a mother and her child. It breaks my heart everytime I see it.

8) Sordid Lives - Yeah, a silly over-the-top comedy starring Olivia Newton-John, Delta Burke, Beau Bridges, Bonnie Bedelia and Will & Grace's Leslie Jordan doesn't inspire much confidence when talking about great movies, but so what. It's damn funny - maybe not well written, acted or directed - but damn funny. And my favorite character actress of all time, Beth Grant, makes me howl everytime she grabs that rubber band. If you like to laugh, see it.

9) Urbania - Dan Futterman may have earned an Oscar nomination this year for writing Capote, but his best work as an actor is in this moving and disturbing film about grief, confusion and urban legends. I haven't done any research about director Jon Shear, but IMDB doesn't show him as having done any other work since directing this film 6 years ago, so I hope he's still around and working in Hollywood becuase this was an amazing debut.

10) Chain Of Desire - A film that many might think belongs on late night on Skinamax because of it's subject matter and the poster/video box, but it doesn't. A film of sexual vignettes that ultimately connect in the most odd ways featuring the amazing Linda Fiorentino, Malcolm McDowell, Seymor Cassel, Elias Koteas, Grace Zabriski and other interesting actors. It's sexy, sobering, funny, dramatic, real, fantastical and everything in between. Ultimately, it gives a true glimpse into just about all types of adult relationships with all the messy, passionate and overwelming emotions that comes with them.

11) Spanking The Monkey - Like Christopher Nolan's "Following", it's a first film made for virtually nothing by a director that was as self assured then as he is now making a big budget film. Like Nolan, Russell is also a film genius. Anyone who could make a comedy about incest for their first film and have it turn out so incredibly great that people had to pay attention to him, definitely deserves to make the list. If you haven't seen it, definitely check it out. It's awesome (just don't watch it with your Mom 'cause that could get really uncomfortable).

I'M BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-09T15:46:00.000+02:00

I hope to be up and posting soon. Lots of news and stuff going on, so hope to be at it any day now. Stay tuned. Hope your Summer was great.

Gone For The Summer

2006-07-24T17:27:00.000+02:00

As you have already seen and will continue to see for the next 4 weeks, I am barely blogging this Summer. Tons to do and my baby is visiting here from Spain until the end of August, so not spending much time doing anything online. I really hope to be back in full blogging mode come September, so if you like the blog, check back then and I hope to have lots of stuff for you. Sorry again and hope you enjoy the rest of your Summer. And to put you in the right mood for the beautiful weather, here are some pictures from my trip to Spain this Spring during the bright warm Mediterranean days. Enjoy.

Trainwreck Of The Month: Ann Coulter

2006-06-25T01:50:00.000+02:00

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but Ann Coulter is the antichrist. Want proof? Well, she just released a book called Godless on 6/6/06. Now if that's not Ann trying to tell us something, then I don't know what is.

Godless? Yes Ann, yes you are.

Even though Godless: The Church Of Liberalism was just released, this isn't the first time Ann and her black heart have been in the glare of the media spotlight. It's just that the recent inclusion in her new book of pure hatred towards the widows of 9/11 victims that don't share her political views has made her a surprising media darling. It started on the day of the book's release (6/6/06) when she showed up at the Today Show at 7am in a slinky black cocktail dress (What, was she still taking the 'walk of shame' from the night before?) and Matt Lauer proceeded to ask her about the 9/11 widow quotes by reading her one. Here's the infamous exchange:

Lauer: "Alright on the 9/11 widows and in particular a group that had been outspoken and critical of the administration. 'These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9/11 was an attack on our nation and acted as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently denouncing Bush was an important part of their closure process.' And this part is, is the part I really need to talk to you about. 'These broads are millionaires lionized on TV and in articles about them reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' death so much.'"

Coulter: "Yes."

Coming straight from the clubs at 7am, Ann tries to get Lauer to take her home.

All pretty disgusting, but then Ann continued her publicity tour all over the country, which recently culminated in an appearance on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Unfortunately, Jay Leno showed himself to be the big weenie we already suspected him to be when he didn't really ask her anything of significance and allowed her a free pass on the hateful rhetoric she was spewing and on all her recent controversies. You know David Letterman wouldn't have been so nice, but after seeing Letterman eviscerate Bill O'Reilly on his show this past Spring, Ann's smart enough to not make an appearance there in front of his New York audience anytime soon. Sadly, Leno's other guest, left leaning comedian George Carlin, didn't say a word and pretty much showed how age seems to mellow some people in a bad way. (You think a 70's era Carlin would have been that nice?) I'd like to think he was just so shocked by the realization he was actually sitting beside the antichrist that his brain couldn't register it all.

To keep him from asking her real questions, Ann finds the ugliest dress she can to distract Jay Leno on the 'Tonight Show'.

With all this publicity and her mastery of self promotion (which easily surpasses Michael Moore's any day of the week), Godless went to #1 on the bestseller charts. Obviously Satan couldn't let his little girl take a back seat to Mary Cheney's useless tome and discounted Ann's book everywhere, by over half it's list price in many places, so he could make sure she saw the top spot. The fix was in for Daddy's little girl.

"Yes, Beelzebub... I mean Daddy helped make my book number 1."

Like a good little Republican fanatic, Ann Coulter has proven herself over and over again to be a true hypocrite. As she has run around the country for the past few years promoting herself and claiming Democrats and Liberals have no sense of God, religion, right & wrong or morals, she continues to dress like a prostitute and holds up the biblical idea of human sexuality as the only option (marital, hetero, missionary-position sex only), all the while not seeming to practice what she preaches. Amazon - Joe Conason's 'Big Lies' Besides proving true many of the names that have been thrown at her, such as a evil blonde harpy, ugly bitch, heartless moron and anorexic shrew, she's also sometimes been accused of having problems with chemical influences that have affected some of her public appearances. News Hounds There's no way to truly know if it is chemicals that affect some of these appearances, instead of her just being plain batshit crazy, but another example of her obvious hypocrisy is that she is now being accused of plagiarizing parts of Godless and some of her other works. After seeing some of the examples, it's pretty darn obvious she did. The Rude Pundit However, if there is one thing that truly demonstrates her ability to roll with the big dogs in the Republican Party, it's that she is currently being investigated for a felony. That's right, if ever someone thought that Ann Coulter was really just a brilliant liberal performance artist creating a character to show how ridiculous most right wing pundits are, this new development finally proves she is truly an ethically challenged Republican hypocrite at heart. Ann has found herself to be in trouble with the law over the issue of felonious voter fraud in Florida as well as some other illegal homestead issues. Brad Blog I wouldn't expect anything less from the antichrist... or a right wing fanatic.

Yeah, I'd drink too if I had to attend the Republican National Convention.

I could continue to sit here and recount all the evil that Ann Coulter has unleashed on the world over the years, but it's silly to waste the time since you and I (and she, herself) know that she is the spawn of Satan. Instead, as my Trainwreck Of The Month, I'm just going to give you a little photo essay of some of Ann's glorious pics peppered with some of the many wondrous quotes she's made over the years. If your retinas don't melt away from looking directly at the Princess Of Darkness herself, then I hope you enjoy it.

Ann reportedly didn't like the way her legs looked in this pic. I think she should have been more worried about her face.

Also, for a very funny and very accurate review of Godless, check out the one here by Betty Bowers (who bills herself as 'America's Best Christian') on her hysterical website: Betty Bowers.

Is it me, or does the American flag in the background look like it's trying to inch its way out of the picture?

Ann Coulter: "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

Ann's Grandma (and Satan's mother) carries Ann's book around as the evil equivalent to the Bible.

Ann Coulter: "...(T)he Democrats hit on an ingenious strategy: They would choose only messengers whom we're not allowed to reply to. That's why Democratic spokesmen these days are sobbing, hysterical women. You can't respond to them because that would be questioning the authenticity of their suffering."

Ann and her willing S&M buttboy, conservative talk show host, Sean Hannity.

Ann Coulter: "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President."

Ann poses with fellow Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ann Coulter: (To a disabled Vietnam vet) "People like you caused us to lose that war."

The antichrist lets her inner darkness start to show as she stops to have her picture taken.

Ann Coulter: "We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States."

Ann, back in the 90's, when she tried to be a brunette for a few weeks.

Ann Coulter: The "backbone of the Democratic Party" is a "typical fat, implacable welfare recipient."

Ann finishes up a radio interview, right before asking the DJ to play "The Macarena".

Ann Coulter: "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media."

Right where she belongs: Ann in a straight jacket.

Ann Coulter: "Usually the nonsense liberals spout is kind of cute, but in wartime their instinctive idiocy is life-threatening."

"Yes Daddy, I miss you too. I'll be back in the fires of Hell before you know it."

Ann Coulter: "My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now, but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism."

Ann tries out a new disguise to attempt and avoid the liberal paparazzi. Unfortunately it doesn't work.

Ann Coulter: "The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals."

"No, no, really. There is no need to thank me and my Dad for the fallout after Hurricane Katrina. We would have been happy to help, but Bush managed to fuck it up all on his own."

Ann Coulter: "I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't."

Ann dresses up at Halloween as the Republican's most feared boogieman: 'activist judges'.

Ann Coulter: "The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail."

Ann training some of her evil minions who are disguised as self loathing closeted frat boys.

Ann Coulter: "If you don't hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country."

The Ann Coulter Mousepad: The bestselling item on her website's store.

Ann Coulter: "I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote."

With vasoline on the lens, the evil still manages to show through her oily exterior.

Ann Coulter: "I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote."

Even on the darkest night, Ann's inner light shines through.

Ann Coulter: "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"

Ann in the 90's when she was trying to rock "The Rachel" hairdo. She never did get it right.

Ann Coulter: "Congress could pass a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries leave....We should require passports to fly domestically. Passports can be forged, but they can also be checked with the home country in case of any suspicious-looking swarthy males."

A candid photo from Ann's vacation in Hawaii when she didn't bother to shower or use makeup for a week.

Ann Coulter: "[Liberals] are always accusing us of repressing their speech. I say let's do it. Let's repress them. ...Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment."

A picture from Ann's secret porn past: Mentally preparing herself for the tabletop gangbang scene from "RNC: Republican National Cockwhore".

Ann Coulter: "Liberals have a preternatural gift for striking a position on the side of treason...Whenever the nation is under attack, from within or without, liberals side with the enemy."

Ann's secret to her youthful look: brains.

Ann Coulter: “The 9/11 Commission was a scam and a fraud, the sole purpose of which was to cover up the disasters of the Clinton Administration and distract the nation’s leaders during wartime. Not only did the Jersey girls claim credit for this Clinton whitewash machine, they spent most of the hearings denouncing the Bush Administration for not stopping the 9/11 attacks from the weak position handed it by the Clinton Administration.”

Ann in her leather wear, getting ready for her next session with Sean Hannity.

Ann Coulter: "To expiate the pain of losing her first-born son in the Iraq war, Cindy Sheehan decided to cheer herself up by engaging in Stalinist agitprop outside President Bush's Crawford ranch. ... After your third profile on 'Entertainment Tonight,' you're no longer a grieving mom; you're a C-list celebrity trolling for a book deal or a reality show."

Unlike Barbie, Ann wanted her doll to be realistic and made sure it has a gaping vagina and ripped up nipples.

Ann Coulter: "Liberals love America like O.J. loved Nicole."

Ann in the early 90's in Germany while she was following 'The Dead' around Europe with a caravan of hippies and gypsies.

Ann Coulter: "Liberals always get a lot of credit for suffering, while never actually being made to suffer."

Ann reading from her book at a local Barnes & Noble event.

Ann Coulter: "I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning. Boom!... They're a major threat. I just think it would be fun to nuke them and have it be a warning to... the world."

In case you didn't know, the antichrist drinks Diet Coke.

Ann Coulter: (on Islamic people) "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Ann tries on her disguise again to try and sneak into the notoriously liberal charity event, 'VH1 Diva's Live'. Unfortunately, the fake breasts give her away this time.

Ann Coulter: "The truth is another hateful "bourgeois institution."...liberals always seem to be enthusiastically defending liars. Lying is their most cherished human activity."

This makes me ashamed to live in Boston.

Ann Coulter: "Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots."

Ann and her bloodshot eyes after a particularly bad night.

Ann Coulter: "Anorexics never have boyfriends. ...That's one way to know you don't have anorexia - if you have a boyfriend."

Ann having a little fun and showing what she likes to do for Rush Limbaugh when he comes into town.

Ann Coulter: "You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard."

The true Ann Coulter finally shows her face.

****And a quote from David Letterman to close with that just about says it all: "Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead. So that moves Ann Coulter up to first place."

We Survived 6-6-06!

2006-06-07T06:43:00.000+02:00

Thank God it's over. As I write this, the clock has passed midnight and we are firmly embedded in Wednesday, 6-7-06. Just like Y2K, we've managed to get through another ridiculously abstract date that is supposed to have important significance to the religious and superstitious amongst us. Since 666 is the sign of the devil in the Bible's Book Of Revelations, there are some people that believed 6-6-06 would be the day the world ended. Others thought it would just be a day of extreme bad luck. Well, either way, we survived it and seem to be okay in relation to the days that preceded it. So congratulations folks. The world didn't end and (if you're reading this) you probably made it through okay. Glad to have you here with me.

Just the same, I'd stay away from any babies born yesterday. You never know when the antichrist is crying in the stroller beside you at the bus stop.

In a rare moment of honesty, Bush gives the sign of the Devil and finally shows who he really worships... or is that the sign of Karl Rove? Same difference, I guess.

Video Of The Day: The Daily Show On Gay Marriage

2006-06-07T06:19:00.000+02:00

I don't know if you caught it tonight or not, but Jon Stewart absolutely destroyed conservative creep Bill Bennett on The Daily Show tonight. Bennett has some book out about moral values and went on the show to talk about it. Since gay marriage is the political 'moral' issue of the day and Bennett has made his fortune writing books and giving speeches on values (despite his massive gambling problems and racial bigotry, amongst other moral failings), Jon Stewart decided that he would be the perfect guest to discuss the marriage amendment that Bush and the Repugs have been pushing this week to win back some of their religious base in this important election year. Well, Stewart not only dominated the conversation with facts and wit, he pretty much destroyed every argument and talking point that Bill Bennett regurgitated. It was awesome and you should look for the video in the coming days as it gets passed around the internets (Crooks And Liars should probably have it up and running by tomorrow at some point).

Jon Stewart is my savior.

Since it's too early to get tonight's video, I'm instead posting a video of a segment that The Daily Show did last year talking about the 1 year MA gay marriage anniversary that features correspondent Ed Helms. It's very funny and the idiot that Helms interviews in the video is pretty much similar to Bill Bennett and his ridiculous presentation tonight of the anti-gay talking points. Check it out. It's funny and really well done. Enjoy.

The Daily Show 'Gay Marriage' Segment - Ed Helms:

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt: I've Got The Pictures First

2006-06-07T05:00:00.000+02:00

The proud (and incredibly sexy) parents.

As you may know, it was announced this week that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have auctioned the first pictures of their newborn, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, to the highest bidder. People Magazine was the winner with a 4.1 Million Bid, which Brangelina is giving directly to the African charity of their choice. It makes sense that they would do this in order to soften the desire for paparazzi to get that first exclusive picture of the baby in this crazy celebrity obsessed world. And they also get to give a lot of money to needy Africans, which is a wonderful thing and fits right in with their do-gooder lifestyle.

"Oh Brad, I could have given you a pretty baby too. It would've had a crooked nose and stringy hair, but it still wouldn't have been as weird looking as Suri Cruise."

Well, I don't want to mess all this up for the Jolie-Pitts and People Magazine, but I've met with one of my Nigerian sources and have managed to get a copy of one of the pictures well before its US publication this Friday. I hate to throw a crimp in People's exclusive rights, but I can't resist publishing the photograph since I've got it. The pic is below and am posting it just for you. I know you can't wait and you want to see the otherworldly creature that is the offspring of the 2 most beautiful human beings on the planet. Already dubbed 'The Messiah' and 'Jesus Jolie-Pitt' due to the once in a millennia convergence of such perfect genetic material, Miss Shiloh does not disappoint. She's beautiful and will probably end up being the US President or Pope or the next Madonna one day. So check out the picture at the bottom of the post if you want to be one of the first to see what utter perfection looks like.

Just look at the parents, this baby will probably shit gold and cry holy water.

For your exclusive viewing pleasure, I present to you the breathtaking Shiloh Jolie-Pitt:

DRUMROLL PLEASE:

Shiloh, thy name is 'Perfection'!

Bush: Fan Or Foe Of Gay Marriage?

2006-06-06T02:30:00.000+02:00

BUSH'S ACTIONS SAY ONE THING, BUT THE PICTURES TELL A DIFFERENT STORY:

Bush thinking to himself, "If only I hadn't married Laura, I could've married into royalty instead."

Bush and his Republican bitches are at it again. His numbers are in the dumper, so he's opened his closet door, pulled that old mothballed conservative gay marriage amendment suit out, dusted it off and put it on for all the world to see. He's decided that now is the time to remind his religious base that he's fighting hard to protect marriage from the gays and liberals. So on goes the "I'm a conservative religious guy" clothes that he can model for all the starry eyed backwards bumpkins that seem to care less that their President has done nothing but make their lives worse while he's made his billionaire friends richer. They say, "Well at least he's gonna stop those homosssssexuals from getting a piece of paper that tells the world they're married." And so it goes...

"Chirac baby, I'm sorry about the whole Freedom Fries thing. You know you're still mon amour chéri."

Never mind that Bush doesn't have the votes in the House or Senate to actually get the amendment passed. Just ignore the fact that everyone knows he's only doing this for political reasons and could really care less about whether it passes or not. Just forget that there is real business that Congress should be dealing with like a horrendous war in Iraq, the potential invasion of Iran, a possibly devastating bird flu, a failing economy, outrageous gas/oil prices, extreme poverty, severely lacking health care, real immigration reform, massive corruption in the GOP, increasing crime, incredibly underfunded school systems, a likely evironmental armaggedon and so many other stupendously important issues that ain't gonna fix themselves. But Bush has decided all that stuff can be put on the back burner for a few weeks while he walks the runway in his old coat of hate that has nothing new to offer and is just a distraction from the real issues of the day.

"Yeah, I know I did some mean things to you in the 2000 election, Johnny Boy, but we can still play conservative and moderate in bed can't we?"

Well, the officail start of the 'new' gay marriage crisis started this morning and already something wonderful has happened. It appears that Bush's base has started to wise up. It's already evident that there is less support from the public, the GOP party and Congress than there was a few years ago when this was first being pushed. Even those that still support the amendment (aka sad idiots), seem to realize that they are being used as political pawns in the GOP's little political chess games. And if anything, Bush might actually be creating the opposite effect that he wanted. As the Religious Right wakes up and sees the manipulation that is going on, they are more likely to withdraw support from Dubya and his cronies this November. Not that they are all going to get smart and start voting as Democrats, but they might actually stop voting straight down the Republican ticket and withdraw their support from those who they don't see taking the issue seriously. However, these conservative politicians have now put themselves in a position where they need to play both sides of the issue and they can't anymore because their base is finally seeing them for what they are - greedy, godless, nasty, ugly, hate mongering manipulators who don't have a moral bone in their bodies.

"Oh Pooty Poot, your eyes are so blue. Let's meet tonight and I'll let you take a private tour of my Washington Monument."

Another wonderful thing has happened too. Americablog and some other terrific sites have rallied their readers together and gotten them to contact all the politicians who do support this stupid amendment to ask their opinions on related issues such as sodomy, masturbation, divorce, sex outside of marriage, etc. Since many of the political backers of this amendment have been through a divorce and almost none of them can truthfully say they haven't engaged in one of the above mentioned religious sins, it just goes to show what utter hypocrites these fools are. They mainly want to use the Bible to justify their votes, which means they are picking and choosing which sins they get legislate. Well, Americablog has their number and is getting its readers to call it. It may not make a huge difference towards making these congressional asshats change their vote, but it is certainly making the workers in their offices uncomfortable and is showing that the left is going to start pushing back when the right starts this kind of stupidity and transparent political posturing. Read all about the good work Americablog and its readers is doing here: America Blog. And while you are at it, make a few calls yourself.

"Kiss me Joe. I know you're a moderate, but please be liberal with your love."

Quote Of The Day: Cher

2006-06-06T01:07:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Cher when she called into Cspan's Washington Journal this weekend to talk about our troops in Iraq and how they are still not getting the body armor they need. She didn't even announce who she was, but the host recognized her voice and asked if she was Cher. She said she was and continued to talk about the pressing troop armor issue. Eventually the subject turned a little and this came out of her mouth:

"One of my best friends is Lou Dobbs."

Uhhhh? Where do you even begin? Cher and Lou Dobbs? The Singer/Actress and the Financial News Guru? That's like the oddest pairing since a talented statuesque glamorous liberal half-Lebanese teenager teemed up with a short conservative 30-something hippie production assistant and ended up making one of the most successful musical and entertainment duos in Hollywood history. Forget Sonny & Cher though, I'd sooooo buy front row tickets to see Lou & Cher in concert. What would they sing?... "The Debt To Equity Ratio Goes On"?... "You Better Sit Down Day Traders"?... "I Got Market Value Babe"?... "Mama (When My Brokers Have Babies)"?

Forget Madonna. Screw The Rolling Stones. This is the concert of the summer: Lou & Cher!

I'm Baaaaaaack!

2006-06-02T07:12:00.000+02:00

Sorry, but I was a way for the long weekend and have been feeling sort of crappy this week after I returned, so I've been ignoring my blogging duties. Well, I'm back and feeling a little better, so I should be up and blogging by this weekend. Keep your eyes open. Until then, I'll leave you with this example of "Twin Jowls" to demonstrate how I've been feeling for most of the week. Enjoy.

Kirstie Alley vs. Jabba The Hutt:

"Scientology made me this way!"

"How dare you compare me to Kirstie Alley!"

Sorry Folks...

2006-05-25T18:12:00.000+02:00

I've had an allergy attack this week and am totally out of it. That's why I haven't been posting. I've been barely keeping myself together. So much going on that I want to write about, but just can't keep my head straight long enough to put together coherent sentences. I am also leaving tomorrow for the long weekend to go on a trip that has been prepaid and planned for months, so this weekend is out too. I hope to definitely be back next week posting fun and interesting stuff. Until then, have a terrific Memorial Day Weekend.

Music Video Of The Day: Dixie Chicks

2006-05-23T05:49:00.000+02:00

Well, their new album, Taking The Long Way, is being released in a few minutes and since I love their first release off the album, Not Ready To Make Nice, I thought I'd make it my Video Of The Day. It's a response to all the people who reacted to lead singer, Natalie Maines' statement a few years ago when she said they were ashamed that Dubya came from Texas. It's a beautiful song and interesting video. So enjoy.

Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks:

Technorati tags:
Dixie Chicks
Not Ready To Make Nice
Natalie Maines
Taking The Long Way

Jowl Of The Day: John McCain

2006-05-23T03:52:00.000+02:00

Jowlmazing!

Today, Senator and future presidential hopeful, John McCain is the Jowl Of The Day. You might be asking yourself, why make a nice, reasonable, honest, moderate Republican the Jowl Of The Day. Well, let me tell you, the only part of that description that's true is that he is a Republican. Oh, he wants you to believe he's nice, reasonable, honest and moderate and for a while, it seemed like he might live up to some of those adjectives. During the 2000 election, he talked a good game and backed up a few of his statements with right-minded congressional votes. He even went as far as to befriend some other powerful Democrats and make the occasional statement against his own party. Of course this is back when the Democrats had a lot more power and it wasn't yet obvious how the Republicans would be able to electrify their fundamentalist religious base to gain such a stronghold in Washington.

"I'm telling you that me and my jowl are moderates you panty wastes! I'm as nice as your motherfucking grandpa! Really!"

In the late 90's, it was always obvious McCain was going to run for President in 2000, and at the time, playing to the moderate middle seemed like a smart move on his part. It worked amazingly well for Bill Clinton and McCain thought he could be the conservative version of Clinton. However, in the political ring, John McCain is no Bill Clinton. Hell, he's not even a Chelsea Clinton. Other than his not foreseeing the extensive Republican power grab that took hold in 2000, he also didn't foresee how his 'moderation' would be used against him by an idiot Texan Governor named Dubya and his Machievelian political advisor, Karl Rove. Once they started their dirty little 2000 campaign and did everything but call McCain a 'liberal', he didn't stand a chance.

"I know what you & Rove did to my campaign. I'm going to rip the jugular out of your jowl with my teeth."

Well, if we've learned anything in the past 6 years, it's that John McCain is as honest as Bill O'Reilly talking about his shelf of Peabody Awards (in other words, they're both big liars). The belief that McCain is reasonable and moderate has gone out the window too. His recent cozying up to fanatics Falwell and Dobson as well as his reversal on many issues pertaining to the environment, reproductive rights and social equality is starting to demonstrate his true colors as a two-faced political electioneer willing to say and do anything to win the presidency. As bad as all this is, it still doesn't make him much worse than all the other nasty right-wing Republicans in Congress. So why Jowl Of The Day? John McCain mainly wins the prestigious Jowley for events that took place this past week involving a commencement address he gave at The New School in New York.

The real John McCain: 2 jowls of evil.

You may have heard of the incident in the media. You know, the 'liberal' media that has told you how a school full of spoiled progressive New School graduates were rude and inconsiderate to a man who only wanted to inspire them as they headed out on their journey into the real world. The same 'liberal' media that told you how respectful and honorable the conservative graduates were at Liberty University when he gave the same address the week before. The same 'liberal' media that portrayed McCain as a victim of leftists who ganged up on him without cause like he was still a POW being tortured by the Vietcong. You know, the same 'liberal' media that has dropped to their knees for the Bush Administration after 9/11 and hasn't gotten back up again. Well, it's all bullshit.

"Now settle down graduates or my jowl and I will sick the 'liberal media' on you."

There's a whole different side of the story that hasn't been reported and McCain is no victim. Considering that The New School is known to be a pretty liberal place, it should have come as no surprise to McCain or anyone else around him that he was going to get a lot of protest from the student body. Since he's been cozying up to the religious right for the past few months and he's changed his views more often than Lindsay Lohan changes sex partners during a weekend of partying, is it really shocking that he was going to meet some resistance when he showed up to The New School with his newly outed right wing war-loving, Bush kissing, Dem bashing rhetoric? Seriously. Oh, he knew what he would be encountering and he came anyway. Why? Because he knew that if he did, the press would eat it up and he'd get to play the victim and score some political points with right leaning moderates who could look at the event and say, "See, liberals just don't know how to act in public."

"Now that you've shown me the fundamentalist right wing way, I'm so in love with you. Please hug me back, Daddy."

It would have been fine and everything would have blown over quickly (with McCain probably gaining slightly from the 'liberal' media accounts), except that Senator McCain's Chief Of Staff, Mark Salter, decided to start a blog war with one of the The New School's graduates, Jean Rohe, who was an onstage speaker and talked about McCain's presence at the ceremony during her speech. Miss Rohe wrote an after-account on Huffington Post as to why she felt the need to speak critically of McCain at the ceremony. Huffington Post - Jean Rohe It was a just a basic accounting of what was in her heart that day and why she had to take the opportunity to speak her mind when given the chance. Once that account was published on Arianna's blog, a response was quickly posted by Mr. Salter. Huffington Post - Mark Salter Response To Rohe Unfortunately, instead of taking the chance to post something positive in defense of Mr. McCain, he instead decided to start a Swift Boating of Miss Rohe - a college student with no political power or real agenda. I guess here in 2006, I'm an idiot for expecting anything else from a Republican operative, but I did. Luckily, Miss Rohe did not shrink from the fight, but soon posted a response to Mr. Salter that was thoughtful, precise and heartfelt. Huffington Post - Rohe's Response To Salter

"Me and my jowl are coming after you next, Jean Rohe."

Now, you might think that Mr. Salter's decision to respond to Miss Rohe's article on Huffington Post was something of his own doing and shouldn't be held against John McCain. However, we are heading into an election year and no one in Mr. McCain's camp makes any move without his permission. Political candidates make decision's about everything that is said or done on their behalf. One of his employees would never publish something so scathing withough clearing it with McCain first. That's what politics is all about. So, it's obvious that McCain basically said to Salter, "Write a response to that bitch and make it mean. Let's swift boat her and put her in her place." Of course, I'm paraphrasing from my educated assumption, but even without the Huffington Post blog war that has begun, John McCain disgusts me as much, if not more, than almost any Republican out there. That's why, Senator John McCain is JM's Jowl Of The Week.

"Shit! What the Hell do you mean I was named Jowl Of The Week!"

Technorati tags:
John McCain
Mark Salter
Jean Rohe
Huffington Post
Arianna Huffington
New School
Liberal Media

Aaaaargh! Blogger Is Driving Me Batshit Crazy!

2006-05-22T20:27:00.000+02:00

Once again it's Monday and Blogger has been acting up all day. Sorry. I've been trying to post for hours and now it won't upload pictures. Every Monday this happens. Why can't they fix this. Fuckers!!!!!

These Are Bunny Movies!

2006-05-21T20:13:00.000+02:00

I know that these have probably been around since the dawn of time and as usual, I am just now getting around to finding them online, but if you've never seen the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre, you should check it out here: Angry Alien

It's a site that features animated film parody recreations of famous movies that star bunnies. I think I had seen one a long time ago, but didn't realize they made a bunch of them. On the site, there's all kind of current ones, including everyone's favorite movie to parody, Brokeback Mountain. That one is really good and there are lots more funny ones too. Check out the site and the movies if you get a chance. Here's the Brokeback Parody for your enjoyment:

Brokeback Mountain - 30-Second Bunnies Theatre:

Technorati tags:
30-Second
Bunnies
Bunny
Starz
Parody
Parodies
Brokeback
Mountain

Weekend Box Office Results - 5/21/06

2006-05-21T18:12:00.000+02:00

Approximate Sunday Results (in millions):
1. The Da Vinci Code - $77.0 (1st Week)
2. Over The Hedge - $37.2 (1st Week)
3. Mission: Impossible III - $11.0 ($103.2 - 3 Weeks)
4. Poseidon - $9.2 ($36.8 - 2 Weeks)
5. RV - $5.1 ($50.4 - 4 Weeks)
6. See No Evil - $4.4 (1st Week)
7. Just My Luck - $3.4 ($10.5 - 2 Weeks)
8. An American Haunting - $1.7 ($13.6 - 3 Weeks)
9. United 93 - $1.4 ($28.3 - 4 Weeks)
10. Akeelah And The Bee - $1.0 ($15.7 - 4 Weeks)

Well, I was waaay off. JM's 5/19 Weekend Forecast I originally said a $58 Million opening for The Da Vinci Code due to all the horrible reviews, but lovers of Dan Brown's book seemed to close their ears and head to the theatre anyway. I did a review of the film and did update my prediction by Friday evening after I had seen the film, due to the packed afternoon theatre I was in and all the sold out evening shows on the board. JM's Da Vinci Code Review My revised estimate of around $80 Million was a lot closer, but that prediction doesn't count. Despite its huge opening though, I do predict a considerable amount of fall off next week. With its lack of action and X-Men 3 opening next weekend, I can't figure how Da Vinci can hold on to more than 50% of this weekend's audience (that is if you don't factor in the extra day of the long weekend due to Memorial Day).

As far as the number 2 opening, Over The Hedge, I overestimated its weekend take considerably. I really thought it was going to be great counter programming to Da Vinci. It did good business that was a lot closer to the studio's forecast of $35 Million instead. My guess of $46 Million was off, but it does have a better chance of holding onto an audience next weekend than Da Vinci does since its one of the few family films out there and will continue to be for a few more weeks. The long 3 day holiday weekend with kids out of school will also help it.

I also overestimated the returns for See No Evil. It was considerably lower than my guess of $11 Million and continues the decline of horror films this year. Most of them have been big disappointments and this one was no different. I guess Da Vinci's audience was spread over all age ranges and demographics and stole everyone's thunder this weekend. I've learned my lesson, never underestimate the power of massively popular controversial books and the stupid religious based protests that always precede the movie version's release. With The Da Vinci Code's massive success this weekend, I now can't wait for the release of Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses starring Keanu Reeves and Lindsay Lohan.

Next week is the 3 day Memorial Holiday weekend and official opening of the Summer movie season, but only one major film will be released, X-Men 3: The Last Stand. Unless the reviews are horrific, this one ought to be a little easier to guess. I'll have my forecast up by Friday.

Technorati tags:
Da Vinci
Da Vinci Code
DaVinci
Over The Hedge
See No Evil
Box Office
Weekend Box Office Results

I Really Need A Good Link

2006-05-21T01:56:00.000+02:00

Ha ha. Even the Italians are slamming the Catholic Church for their silly protests by making it the number one weekend opening ever. Double the previous record (double!). I bet the Pope ain't liking that. EITB 24

"Jesus Christ! The Da Vinci Code did how much this weekend?"

Why do I hate Tom Cruise so much? I was thrilled to see Law & Order take on his anti-psychiatry rants. He's such a tool. Perez Hilton

"Put down the antidepressants or I'll shoot you."

I know you've been waiting to hear a Hardcore Industrial Techno Dance Mix featuring the words of Republican-lite CT Senator Joe Lieberman. Well, your prayers have been answered. Here is Joementum (Nedrenaline Mix). Mperia

"This remix rocks! Throw your hand's in the air."

And you thought American Idol was big. AI is like a backyard talent show compared to the size and popularity of this. CNN

UPDATE: Well, well, what do you know? Only hours after I posted this original link, guess who won? Yahoo

Lordi, Lordi - I want this Finnish group to win (really - this is one of this year's contestants).

An early sneak excerpt of Jack Osbourne's memoir. Make sure you've got plenty of time to read it. It's a long complex story. Best Week Ever

"This is a picture of me in chapter 14, the one where I'm ugly and don't ever get laid... oh wait, that's chapter 10... and chapter 7... and chapter 2..."

Once again, I bring you Rich's hysterical recap of America's Next Top Model finale over at Four Four. Read it and laugh, cry, dream, touch yourself and pray for the next cycle to come soon. Four Four

Danielle gets a touch up after runner up Joanie scratched her eyebrows off.

Technorati Tags:
Da Vinci Code
Pope
Law & Order
Tom Cruise
Joe Lieberman
Eurovision
Lordi
Jack Osbourne
America's Next Top Model
ANTM
Danielle
Tyra Banks

Happy Birthday Cher!

2006-05-20T22:11:00.000+02:00

Yes, I'm gay and therefore required to worship at the altar of Cher. Whether gay men like her acting or music or plastic surgery scars is unimportant. What homosexuals really like about her is her bitchy 'take no shit' attitude, her ability to survive & thrive and her balls the size of watermelons. The tacky drag queen clothing doesn't hurt either. Well, Cher is 60 today... and her face turns 15. A few years ago she made the statement that she wanted to pose nude in a men's magazine when she turned 60, so cross your fingers she's off doing that now. Female First

Happy Birthday. Now go get naked.

Anyway, in honor of her special day, here's a video of Cher's song Alive Again from her last album, Living Proof that never really got shown or played here in the US. It's hard to believe she is almost 60 in this video. Amazing what wigs, makeup, lighting, plastic surgery, vaselined lenses and digital post production can do for a woman. Enjoy.

Alive Again - Cher:

Technorati Tags:
Cher
Alive Again
Living Proof

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-20T06:32:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of David Letterman tonight after he finished interviewing Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, on his show. Dave was fair with her, but asked a lot of tough probing questions and especially kept grilling her about why she waited until now to speak out about the marriage amendment/gay rights in a book instead of a few years ago when she was running her father's campaign and had a direct line to the president. It was obvious he wasn't happy with her non-specific answers, but eventually gave up the line of questioning when he realized she wasn't going to give an honest answer. After her segments finished and she left, Dave came back from the commercial and said:

"Well, if my phone wasn't tapped before..."

It was brilliant and got a big laugh. So thanks Dave. I appreciate you not giving her a pass the way Leno would have. That's why you have Jowl Movement's Quote Of The Day.

"That's right Dave, my Dad's coming for you."

"I can't believe Bush is actually tapping this phone. Hey idiot, it's just a prop."

Technorati Tags:
David Letterman
Letterman
Late Show
Mary Cheney
Now It's My Turn
Gay Rights
Gay Marriage

The Da Vinci Code: Not As Bad As They Say, Not As Good As You Hope

2006-05-20T02:15:00.000+02:00

Unlike my last review JM's Poseidon Review, I'm not even going to attempt to encapsulate the plot of the new film The Da Vinci Code here. Poseidon had no plot, so giving a rundown of its events was relatively simple. No such luck with Da Vinci. If you've read the book, then you know how complex and convoluted the story line is. It would be impossible to try and give you a story outline without writing a novel myself. So what I'll do is give you a breakdown of the other aspects of the film, like directing, script, acting, etc.

"If you go see our movie, we'll throw in a free box."

Before doing that though, I should just say that I thought the movie was okay. I didn't expect a lot, so I wasn't disappointed, but I think the critics have been way too harsh on the film. For someone who has read Dan Brown's book, like me (and 3/4 of the free world), it is a pretty faithful re-creation of the story while streamlining it to 2 1/2 hours and keeping your interest enough to enjoy it. For those who haven't read the book, it will make a pretty good thriller and enjoyable filmgoing experience, but don't expect typical summer fare full of things blowing up.

Don't look so sad Mona, the film wasn't that bad.

So here's the breakdown:

Acting - The acting was adequate. To be honest, it didn't really require much real acting on the part of the film's stars other than being able to explain a lot of information to the audience without tripping over all the dialogue. Tom Hanks and French pixie, Audrey Tautou were fine, but nothing special. However, the 2 leads could have pretty much been replaced by Don Rickles and Britney Spears and it wouldn't have made much difference (although that would certainly make for a much campier film). I will say that I enjoyed Ian McKellen and Paul Bettany as the crippled Holy Grail expert and the albino monk, respectively. Ian almost always lights up the screen in every film he's in and Paul Bettany plays the pale creepy murderous Spanish monk very convincingly. Not Oscar winning stuff, but both were very effective in their roles. Everyone else was pretty forgettable.

Just think, this could've been Don Rickles and Britney Spears instead.

Script - This is probably the weakest part of the film. Akiva Goldsman's script is pretty much just a streamlined version of the book without adding anything interesting to the proceedings. It also had some pretty stilted dialogue for the actors to say. Maybe it was just bad acting in parts, but it really felt like more of a script problem than an acting issue. Goldsman did manage to eliminate some of the boring sideline aspects of the book(i.e. the London library excursion,etc.), but he never replaces it with anything other than 'they go here and then they go there and then they talk for a little while about religious stuff and then they go there' scenes. It also took out a few good things that I remember in the book, but nothing vitally important. Overall, the script needed a really good infusion of action or even dramatic tension, but it seems like Goldsman was more worried about creating a faithful adaptation of the book than adding more movie friendly scenes. A real missed opportunity, if you ask me.

"Goldsman did what to my book?"

Directing - Considering how difficult it must have been to give a faithful recreation of the book, I will have to say that the directing was pretty good. It flowed and made sense (for the most part). My biggest complaint would have to be the lack of action or any real thrills. I wish Ron Howard had decided to puch up the proceedings a bit. I did find myself yawning in a few places and probably looked at my watch a couple of times as well. It couldn't have hurt to throw a little more humor in the movie too. It was a pretty mirthless affair, but at least it looked pretty.

Opie waves off the critical backlash.

The last thing I have to mention is something that tends to drive me crazy in movies and I see all the time. It will seem a little strange to bring this up, but it was so irritating to me that I just have to mention it. I'm talking about the albino's junk. You know, his meat and 2 veg, his squirrel and sack of nuts, his sausage and beans, his mallet and croquet balls. You get the picture. Let me explain. Weird things take me out of movies sometimes and one of the most obvious ones is when a character or the director does something that distracts me in the middle of the film with something that is completely unneeded. In this case, it involved the albino's junk. There are scenes in the film where Paul Bettany's albino monk, Silas, strips naked and beats himself with a lash to make marks on his body. Ron Howard films the scenes where he shows as much nudity as he can get away with on a PG-13 rating, but it's all done with strategically placed items and camera angles to maximize the amount of skin shown while avoiding an actual view of genitalia.

Paul, I know the English hate the French, but this is ridiculous.

Now let me stop here for a moment and just say, I DO NOT have an albino junk fetish. I could care less if I saw Paul Bettany's full frontal nether regions. Really - he's one of those skinny pale British actors that does nothing for me. But what I hate is when a director films scenes like that and makes it so obvious what he's hiding that it makes you want to see it. There were multiple shots of Silas doing naked stuff and the camera lingers on him and just brushes the top of his pubic area repeatedly, but cuts away or moves quickly down when his package starts to turn towards the camera. Why do they do this? It drives me up a wall. Ron Howard has to know that the audience is watching someone nude onscreen and nudity is something that heightens a filmgoer's attention since they don't actually see it often onscreen and they're sharing a public experience with a theatre full of people while looking at someone buck naked. So by doing a little dance of, 'Here it is, but I'm gonna cut away just in time and now I'm gonna swing the camera back to give you a closer look, but only of the skin right beside the naughty stuff before I cut away again and I'll keep teasing you and teasing you and teasing you'. It's so distracting and uncalled for.

"Wanna see my albino junk? Too bad, Opie will tease you with it, but won't let you see it."

It's like a woman on a soap opera who wakes up in bed in the morning and she is naked, but she holds the sheet up to her chest and won't let it drop even though she is alone in the room or with her husband. You and I both know that people don't act this way, so it's very distracting to see tv shows and movies where people do this. It's understandable that you can't show naked people all the time, but to have characters do unrealistic things to hide their nudity when there is no reason to, is massively distracting in a film. I know this really seems like an odd thing to bring up about the movie, but it drove me batshit. If you can't show nudity, then don't tease the audience repeatedly by using partial nudity as some kind of dangling carrot in front of the donkey (ha ha, dangling carrot - I made an unintentional funny). Can't you just shoot the scene another way to avoid distracing the audience with this unnecessary stupidity? Alright, I'm over my 'pointless albino junk tease' rant now.

"I'll show you MY junk if you give me another drink."

Well, that's the important stuff. It's a decent movie, but is not great in any sense of the word. Considering all the talent involved, it should have been better, but it's still good enough to see in a theatre if you really want to go. Just go in with low expectations and you may really enjoy it. I do wish I hadn't read the book first though. Some of the thrill gets sucked out of the film because you already know everything that's going to happen.

"Hurry Audrey, the bad reviews are coming!"

I will also say that my weekend box office estimate for The Da Vinci Code is probably waaaay off. JM's Weekend Box Office Forecast - 5/19 The movie probably had 20 shows scheduled for today at the cinema I attended. At 2pm, the huge theatre I was in was sold out and all the evening shows were also sold out as well (by 2pm!). This movie is going to have a HUGE opening. Much bigger than my original 58 Million estimate. Probably closer to 80 Million or so. However, next week it will see a huge drop off because I don't think word of mouth is going to be great.

Don't let the critics get you down Ian, it's still gonna be a huge box office smash.

Technorati tags:
Da Vinci
Da Vinci Code
DaVinci
Tom Hanks
Audrey Tautou
Ian McKellen
Paul Bettany
Ron Howard
Dan Brown
Akiva Goldsman
Weekend Box Office

It's The Linkiest!

2006-05-20T00:51:00.000+02:00

Is Tyra Banks racist? They certainly make an interesting case for it. Slate

She would've joined the KKK, but couldn't get the hood over that hair.

God, I hope he runs. He soooo has my vote if he does. Daily Kos

How many other former generals (or presidential candidates for that matter) would go on the cover of The Advocate?

Wow, who saw this coming? MSNBC

"Start lining up boys, I'm single again."

Hmmm. This looks like it could be really good if done well. It already has a movie feel to it, is produced by Salma Hayek, stars the very appealing America Ferrera and is based on the most famous Telenovella ever. I'll definitely give it a chance. World Of Wonder

Salma the hot is producing 'Betty The Ugly'.

This fool is such a tool. If he was talking to God, don't you think God would be a little more absolute about what he's going to do? I hear God's a pretty confident being. He doesn't need to be wishy washy about his future plans when talking to insane old bastards. Pensito Review

"Pat! I AM sending storms and you better buy thee an industrial strength umbrella."

Streaking rules. Read them so you make sure to do it right. City Rag

Hmmm. I wonder who's got the bigger bat.

Video Of The Day: Sarah McLachlan

2006-05-20T00:07:00.000+02:00

Here's you a great video for Sarah McLachlan's World On Fire. Simple, touching and a real political statement without being really political. It made me think and maybe it will do the same for you... the song's pretty too. Enjoy.

World On Fire - Sarah McLachlan:

Weekend Box Office Forecast - 5/19/06

2006-05-19T18:31:00.000+02:00

I doubt you've heard of it because it's from a pretty obscure book, but there's a small independent film being released this weekend called The Da Vinci Code. It stars some unknown actors, is directed by a newbie and hasn't gotten much publicity, so I doubt it will get much of a reception at the box office this weekend...

Okay, I am out of my fantasy world right now. We've all heard the nonstop chatter about the film for months and it is now here. However, what was supposed to be a bullet proof opening for this potential blockbuster has now become a guessing game as to the opening weekend numbers since its horrible reception in Cannes this week. Critics have been brutal and pre-screenings have left some pretty dismal marks and word of mouth from the regular moviegoers who've seen it. So will that effect it? I think so. Originally, there was talk of the film being close to the 100 million mark, but that looks extremely unlikely now. It's opening today on 3,735 screens domestically and is now being forecast at around a 70 Million opening. I'm willing to go lower. I'm thinking its opening will be closer to the high 50's. Tom Hanks' star has been on the decline for a while now and Ron Howard's last film, Cinderella Man, way underperformed at the box office despite big stars and critical raves. Da Vinci has the wildly popular book as its main promotion, but after all the critical bashing, a lot of people are not going to want to see their beloved book ruined.

Will this code crack 70 Million?

The other big film this weekend is the Dreamworks animated tale, Over The Hedge. Dreamworks has had great success with animation and this one has got lots of big stars voicing the funny (and not too childish) animal characters. Since Ice Age 2 has now melted out of theatres, I think this movie could do really well as counter programming to Da Vinci. Estimates put it at around the high 30's on its 4,059 domestic screens. I'm thinking more like high 40 's though.

Will this movie jump over the 40 Million mark this weekend?

The last big release this weekend is See No Evil, starring WWE wrestler, Kane. It's a horror movie with very scary commercials promising lots of gore. Most estimates have it at around 4 Million for the weekend on 1,257 screens. I think they are way off. An American Haunting opened a few weeks ago on fewer screens and took in over 6 Million. That movie looked boring compared to this one and this one has wrestling fans to add to the horror audience that normally sees this type of film. I'm thinking it will probably do over 10 Million.

Will audiences see this evil?

Here's my official forecast:

The Da Vinci Code - $58.0
Over The Hedge - $46.0
See No Evil - $11.0

So, we'll see how I do when the results come out on Sunday. I'm off to see The Da Vinci Code right now, so I'll post my own review later this evening.

Goodnight Gracie.

2006-05-19T06:37:00.000+02:00

Sad. Will & Grace went off the air permanently tonight after 8 years and I'm bummed. Yes, it was hit or miss over the last 2 years and it never really seemed to regain it's comic power after Debra Messing got pregnant and they tried to hide it on the show, but I'll still miss it. Tonight's show was okay. Most of it took place in the future and wasn't that funny, but for a show finale, it rests somewhere between Newhart's great "it was all a dream from his previous show' finale and Seinfeld's depressing jail themed finale. I'll miss Will & Grace because it was ground breaking and usually made me laugh out a loud a few times per show - what more can you expect from a sitcom? Most of all, I'll miss the Jack and Karen characters because they were an amazing comic team and really pushed the envelope for network television. So R.I.P. Will & Grace & Jack & Karen. I'll miss you (until I see your syndicated reruns 6 times tomorrow).

"Guys, don't look up at the audience and maybe they'll realize tonight's show wasn't very good."

100 Posts. Did I Actually Do That?

2006-05-19T05:37:00.000+02:00

Wow, I just realized that this is my 100th post. You may not be impressed, but I think I'm the shit. 100 posts in 3 weeks is a lot for a procrastinator like me. I think this actually makes me an official blogger. Here's hoping I maintain at least this level in the future. Nothing more to say except, "I rock!" And here are a few cartoons that I know where drawn specifically about me.

Barca! Barca! Barca! Barca!

2006-05-19T04:05:00.000+02:00

Yah! FC Barcelona beat Arsenal (2-1) yesterday in Paris to take the UEFA's Champion League Football Championship and is now considered to be the best team in Europe. It was an exciting game for Barca, since they came back from a 1-0 deficit in the last 14 minutes of the game. UEFA Game Info It may not be a big deal here, but in Europe, it was watched by over 150 million people and many on the team will now will be going to the FIFA World Cup when it starts in Germany next month. Go Spain and go US!

I know some guys who are getting laid tonight.

Let me just say that I know nothing at all about football (soccer to us uneducated Americans), but I told Chema I would post a Spanish based entry tonight just for him. He's not a huge fan of football either, but living in Boston, I know what it's like to get caught up in the home cities sports success (that's a not so subtle slam to all you other losing American cities that haven't had a championship this decade - and that's almost all of you - 'cause Boston rocks!). I just hope Chema didn't go out and get too wasted last night though, because those Spaniards can get CRAAAAZY when sports are involved. They'll be celebrating there for weeks. This entry is also an excuse to post some pictures of hot football players. So, yah Barca! Barca! Barca! Barca! Here are some hot pics or great sports pics (depending on whether you are gay or straight):

Brazilian born key Barca superstar, Ronaldinho, showing you how many billions of dollars he's going to eventually end up with at the end of his career.

And these are the fans BEFORE the game.

"Dammit, just kiss me already."

"Just look at this face. I should be a model, not a footballer bitches!"

"Woo hoo! Now we get to go destroy downtown Paris!"

"I always hump the ground before a game for good luck."

"Arrghh! This rain is like acid! It's burning my face!"

Danielle Won, Katharine Is Going To The Finals & Dave Is Off Top Chef! There Is Justice In The World!

2006-05-18T06:11:00.000+02:00

God, there actually is justice in the world. Okay, maybe not when it applies to things that really matter, like the Bush Administration and all of our everyday lives, but in the reality tv world, the angels seem to be looking down on the right people. Here's why:

Despite my prediction and all the rumours I had been hearing, Danielle actually won America's Next Top Model. Awesome! She so deserved it, despite her country ghetto accent. LOVE HER! Let me repeat, LOVE HER!!!!

Danielle is America's Next Top Country Ghetto Model.

Katharine is actually going on to the finals next week on American Idol. I was sad to see Elliott go and would have preferred seeing Taylor bite it, but since I knew he would stay, I was happy to see Katharine win over Elliott. Katharine rocks and is without a doubt, the best singer in the top 12!!!! Sorry Ellen.

Katharine: Voice of an angel, face of a model, body of a Playboy Bunny.

Drama Queen Dave was thrown off Top Chef and won't advance to the finals. You may hate Tiffany and might think Harold is a bit wishy washy, but they both deserved to advance to the finals of Top Chef more than Dave did. Sorry Dave fans. I know he's gay, but that doesn't make him a better chef than the other two.

Sorry Dave, it's back to cooking for gay brunches and Women's League luncheons for you.

I'll say it again - JUSTICE, JUSTICE, JUSTICE!!!!

Hypocrite Of The Week

2006-05-18T03:45:00.000+02:00

Well, what do you know? Illegal immigration is the new gay marriage. All this illegal immigration crap coming from the conservative right at the moment has seemed awfully loud and constant. It appears that Bush and his cronies are determined to make illegal immigration the new wedge issue to help bring back some of their conservative base that they've lost in recent public opinion polls.

Well surprise, surprise. Guess who's grandparents may have been illegal immigrants themselves? That's right, the one major Bush appointee of Latin heritage, US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, may be a descendent of grandparents that came into the country illegally. He says it's "unclear" that they were illegal, which means in Bush Denial Speak, that of course they were illegal. Read about it here Think Progress and here America Blog.

Now, I haven't heard much from Gonzales regarding this issue, probably because he doesn't want to look bad to the Hispanic community while defending Bush and his idiot ideas, but since he's the Attorney General and it is his job to enforce the laws of this country, he's as responsible as anybody in this administration for it's wrong headed approach to this issue. As long as he is a representative of Bush, then he is the face of Bush's immigration policy. And whadya know? He wouldn't even be here in this country and be the highest level Hispanic American official in US history, if his grandparents hadn't wanted to come to America and risked life and limb to get here by illegal means.

As long as he is a part of an administration that is using immigrants as a wedge issue to gain votes and continues his very questionable reign as the legal defender of this country, he will always be thought of as an Uncle Tom. So here's to you, Alberto. You're JM's Hypocrite Of The Week.

"Senator, it's 'unclear' whether I am the world's biggest hypocrite."

Gay Marriage's 2 Year Anniversary

2006-05-17T20:23:00.000+02:00

Today is the 2 year anniversary of gay marriage rights in Massachusetts. 2 years ago today, gay people lined up at offices around MA to apply for their right to marry the person they love. The sky hasn't fallen and the ground underneath our feet has shaken us to oblivion. Just a lot of normal people married the person they loved and got on with their life. It's sad that it's still only the state of MA that recognizes our right to marry in the US, but hopefully other states will follow suit in the future. Alas, it hasn't helped me because my boyfriend is Spanish and even if we got married here, immigration is still a federal thing, so he's not allowed to move here to be with his husband even if he's legally married to me. Makes no sense, but that's the world of Bushco for you. Hence, I'm headed to Spain in a year to be married in a country that has recognized we have the same rights in every way as straight people. Spain is beautiful and welcoming and despite my reservations about leaving my own country, I am happy to be going somewhere that appreciates me and will allow me to be with my beautiful man in every way - legally, spiritually and physically.

Unfortunately, here in MA, there are still those idiots who are trying to reverse gay marriage rights in the state. A constitutional amendment is still being pushed and will be voted on here in the legislature on July 12th. If it passes, it will likely go on the Nov. 2008 ballot to be voted on in the general election. And the conservative hateful idiots who are behind this will be pushing super hard and throwing tons of money towards getting the bigots out to vote. So, if you are a MA resident, contact your representatives and tell them not to vote for the amendment. If it does eventually go on the ballot, vote against it and convince your friends to do the same. If you are outside the state, you can still participate by sending letters to politicians or contributing money to organizations working to stop this hateful amendment. Any manner in which you can help is always appreciated. Go to Mass Equality to get the whole story and for all the ways in which you can contribute to this great cause. Thank you.

Do we look dangerous and immoral to you?

America's Next Top Finale!

2006-05-17T16:57:00.000+02:00

The season enders and reality show finales are coming at us fast and furious right now. Tonight brings us the finale of this cycle's America's Next Top Model. It's down to Danielle, Jade and Joanie. How did we get to this point? Just check out Rich's hilarious recap of last week's show at Four Four to catch yourself up on why these are our final 3. Here's my prediction breakdown of tonight's show:

Danielle - The most interesting, most confident, most real, most breathtaking in pictures, most modelesque in her appearance and most fun of all the contestants. She doesn't stand a chance. The way that they keep stressing her way of speaking and insisting that a Cover Girl cannot have that kind of country ghetto accent, tells me that she is not going to be doing any commercials for the show's main sponsor anytime soon - which is a requirement for the winner. It's so sad, because she would be the best ANTM ever!

When my eyes go to the girl in the picture first, then you know she's good.

Jade - Jade is hysterical in that sad, "I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you" sort of way. She's been entertaining as Hell though. Her misguided arrogance, her moronic Jadeisms and her ugly mug that takes good pictures has kept the show really interesting this cycle. However, since this is the last show and it's obvious that the judges don't really like her, she is no longer needed and I doubt seriously that she has a chance in Hell of winning. There is also no way that Covergirl will want a 26 year old, weird looking bitch with attitude representing them. The question is, will she be the first to go tonight or will she be around for the Final 2 Runway Show? My guess is that Danielle will undeservedly go first tonight. For maximum drama, the producers want you to believe that there is a real contest between the last two girls and since they keep pointing out how Danielle's voice could never represent Covergirl, I think she's gone. This will make the final 2 competition seem more competitive. Sorry Danielle. Jade will at least make the finale upredictable when she loses and then starts a screaming match with the judges before smacking Tyra, running off the set waving her arms and screaming that The Man is just trying to keep Jade down.

Don't let her fool you, Jade's really the Big Bad Wolf.

Joanie - This leaves us with the winner. I have no doubt in my mind that Joanie will walk away with the title. She's got almost everything that Danielle has (to a slightly less degree), but she can speak in that colorless midwestern spokesmodel way that Covergirl will love. She also has that blond, girl next door look with a twist of naughtiness in her pictures. She's a perfect commercial representative for a safe boring product like Covergirl. Don't get me wrong, Joanie is my second favorite and is really beautiful, but I just think it is a real shame that the only thing that will keep Danielle from winning and being the queen of the Supermodels is that down home ghetto fabulousness that makes her interesting in the first place.

Blond, big boobed and a little generic - Joanie is soooo the winner!

So long ANTM Cycle 6, I'll miss you! I'll also be looking for your return this Summer with an unexpectedly early Cycle 7 series - yah UPN!

I Hate Lying Virgins!

2006-05-17T16:16:00.000+02:00

It's amazing at how fast word gets out on the web when someone is trying to drum up support for a stupid cause. The past few days, we've seen reports all over the internets about a guy named Geoff from Toronto who is a virgin and who had a bet with his female best friend. The bet was that if he could get 5 Million hits on his website within 30 days, she'd sleep with him. Sounds like a worthy challenge for a sex starved 25 year to take. And so it began.

The website went up (A Virgin's Plea), the word started spreading around the blogosphere and the media started calling. It was working and due to all the publicity, Geoff was well on his way to getting a little lady love from his best friend. The only problem? It isn't real. Oh, the website was real and it sure sounded good, but if you go to the website now, there is a statement saying that it was an experiment in marketing by someone named Matthew. He is now apologizing for his hoax and says:

Over the past few days, people have raised several questions about the website avirginsplea.com. I feel it is both my moral and ethical obligation at this point to spare my friend Geoff from any further personal embarrassment.

The site was a viral marketing experiment that got far too out of hand. Geoff was nothing more than a name and a photo - the story and website were created by me and all media were performed by myself.

I apologize to the people of Toronto and everyone from around the world who saw our site. We did not expect this idea to go so far, and the real connections so many of the visitors to the site made to "Geoff's" story has made this experience especially difficult.

Well, that's a real shame. I was all about hooking a web virgin up with a site hit so he could get his pickle juiced. Now that I know it's all a lie, I feel so dirty. It's like finding out that Ashlee Simpson is a manufactured talentless hack or that George Bush lied about WMD's in order to got to war for his oil loving friends. They all shatter my allusion that the world is a good safe place full of honest people. Why Geoff/Matthew, why?

The fake virgin Geoff: Not really named Geoff, but I'm sure he's really a virgin.

Top 3 Tonight

2006-05-16T19:07:00.000+02:00

Yes, my American Idol furvor is at fever pitch. Tonight is the top 3. Yah! I'm such a geek, but what can I say? I love any show where people are pitted against each other in an unfair and ridiculously uneven horse race and winning the show may be the ticket to fame and fortune while losing may be a ticket back to the McDonalds middle management program. American Idol, The Oscars, Miss America - they're cheesy and ridiculous and I can't get enough of them. Now that I've finished defending my indefensible guilty pleasure, let's do a quick breakdown.

Taylor Hicks - The least talented of the 3, but his endearing weirdness is probably gonna win him the whole thing, even if he's just mediocre for the next two weeks.

Elliott Yamin - A great voice and the personality of a wet mop. He really needs to turn it on tonight to make it to the finals.

Katharine McPhee - With the right song, she's the most talented of the 3, but she needs 2 flawless performances and a lot of prayers if she's gonna make it to the finals. Even though it wasn't her fault, Chris's fans are going to try and destroy her chances tonight since they see her as the reason he got kicked off last week (ignoring the fact that he had been coasting for many weeks and never gave his best performances on rock nights, despite being the 'rock' guy). JM's And Then There Were 3

In honor of the show tonight, here's a video clip of Frenchie Davis (kicked off the 3rd season for her internet porn past) performing the role of Effie in a West Coast production of 'Dreamgirls' (originated on Broadway by Tony Winner Jennifer Holliday). She's amazing and would have won if those topless photos hadn't surfaced before the AI Top 12 performances began. This is also the role that 3rd year Top 6 finalist, Jennifer Hudson, is going to be playing in the movie version that comes out this December, starring Beyonce. Watch the whole clip here to see Frenchie sing the song - it doesn't start for a couple of minutes into the clip, but it's so worth it. Enjoy.

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going (Dreamgirls Live) - Frenchie Davis:

I Link I Can, I Link I Can

2006-05-16T17:54:00.000+02:00

This guy makes Courtney Love look like Shirley Temple. Someone get him some help. Dlisted

"Wah? Courtney loves who at temple? Wah?"

Thank God she's not a Scientologist. Otherwise, I'd have to stop voting for her and vote for that gray haired spaz or snaggle toothed nerd instead. American Idol Blog

"Chris's fans hate me this much."

Absolutely terrifying. I'm telling you, the internets are next. Salon

"Karl, I think somebody was tapping my phone when I called and voted for Taylor on American Idol."

Gee, with all his porn, abuse and hooker accusations and all her nude scenes and her sleeping with her best friend's husband, I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to run out right now and buy a few Sheen / Richards outfits for their own tots. Glitterati

"This is the kind of clothing I want to put on 6 year olds, but with the bare midriff showing."

Ahhh. It's a real shame that all those reruns are making her tens of millions of dollars every year, but they are hampering her otherwise stellar career. Man, she has it so bad, I don't know how she is able to wake up and face another day. Handbag

Who needs "Friends" when you're vacant and ungrateful?

She was an acid rock fan? Maybe that's why she ignored her duties during Katrina - she was having an acid flashback. Daily Kos

"Senator, I would recommend that you not make fun of my musical taste."

Video Of The Day: Alan Cumming

2006-05-16T03:10:00.000+02:00

Ha ha. I knew he had a line of fragrance and skin care items out and that the play on his name was one of its big selling points. However, I never did get a chance to see the commercial for bi-actor, Alan Cumming's (X-Men 2) line of Cumming products. Well, I came across the video recently and thought you might enjoy it. It made me laugh in that nervous, creepy sort of way, but it's still a hoot to watch. It's probably NSFW because of the innuendo, double entendres and faint view of his ass, but it's not anything really dirty (I think). Enjoy.

Cumming Commercial - Alan Cumming:

A Contrast In Pop Tarts: What's Your Flavor?

2006-05-15T22:45:00.000+02:00

We all know about the rivalry between Christina Aguliera and Britney Spears and for a long time, it seemed like Britney was winning the war when she was the former Princess Of Pop. My, how a few years & 2 pregnancies can change things for a sexed up pop star. Recently, Brit made the statement that she would be willing to pose nude in a movie and would love to play a superhero. She also said she's been working on some 'crazy' new music including rap and hip-hop tracks. All that might have to wait, now that she's preggers again with her second Federspawn. Meanwhile, Christina is about to release her next album with a smoking hot single coming out in a few weeks after her upcoming performance at the MTV Movie Awards. It's also been rumored that she's about to record the theme song for the new James Bond movie, "Casino Royale" and is being offered roles in a whole slew of films. She's also taking the time to promote the album with losts of magazine 'spreads' like the one below. Here are 2 recent pics of both women that I think really showcases the difference between their careers and where they are both really headed. A shout out to Dlisted that has posts about both girls and more pics. DListed

Which flavor of Pop Tart do you prefer?

Xtina in GQ: Slinky, slutty & beautiful with a major record release and incredible year in front of her.

Britney running from K-Fed: Large, curlers in her hair and a limp sun-exposed baby in the back.

It Must Be Monday...

2006-05-15T19:07:00.000+02:00

Blogger is either acting up or completely down. I wish they could get these Monday issues worked out.

Weekend Box Office Results - 5/14/06

2006-05-14T18:43:00.000+02:00

Approximate Sunday Results (in millions):
1. Mission: Impossible 3 - $24.5 ($84.6 - 2 Weeks)
2. Poseidon - $20.3 (1st Week)
3. RV - $9.5 ($42.8 - 3 Weeks)
4. Just My Luck - $5.5 (1st Week)
5. An American Haunting - $3.7 ($10.9 - 2 Weeks)
6. United 93 - $3.6 ($25.6 - 3 Weeks)
7. Stick It - $3.2 ($22.2 - 3 Weeks)
8. Ice Age: The Meltdown - $3.0 ($187.4 - 7 Weeks)
9. Silent Hill - $2.2 ($44.5 - 4 Weeks)
10. Hoot - $2.1 ($6.2 - 2 Weeks)

Well, before I berate myself for my horrible guess about Poseidon, let me just say that I was right on about everything else. I said M:I:3 would do worse than expected and I was only about a million off. I was one of the only people to say Hohan's Just My Luck would do much less than expected and would go under $10 million. It did even worse than I hoped, but I predicted it would bomb big. And my estimate for Goal! was pretty close too (about a million off).

Now for Poseidon. Man, I blew it. I guess I should have taken into account all the awful reviews, but I didn't get a chance to see them before I wrote the forecast. Since the box office for the movie declined each day of the weekend, it's obvious that the reviews and the bad word of mouth affected it's poor showing. Maybe my review is what turned everyone against it - LOL. JM's Poseidon Review

Well, next week sees the opening of thriller The Davinci Code, animated Over The Hedge and horror film See No Evil. Maybe I'll have better luck forecasting then.

Finger Linkin' Good

2006-05-14T17:23:00.000+02:00

Hmmm. What are the chances this isn't politically motivated? It's ridiculous that this kind of thing happens. Guardian UK

Secret manual for terror?

God, this guy is so skeezy. I can't imagine what kind of diseases he's carrying around with him. Him and Hohan are so made for each other. Pop Sugar

Is Hohan his next wild girl? I soooo don't want to see her breasts.

Laura is an idiot. Of course the people she sees on the road like her husband. They put a bubble around themselves so it's only 'yes men' and boot lickers that can get anywhere near them. Yahoo News

Clueless or lying? Both maybe?

Fun article on the best tv season finales. I think they left off Alias (where Sydney wakes up losing 2 years of her life), Melrose Place (where Kimberly blows up the building) and last year's Lost (with the opening of the hatch). Boston Phoenix

"Jack, let's throw the author down the hatch for leaving off our show."

At this point, Jon Lovitz's pathological liar character would be considered more honest. Raw Story

I wish he were our president instead.

Nothing fascinating here, but the Brook Shields picture is funny and speaking of Jon Lovitz (uggh). Dlisted

This isn't the picture, but it's funny (scary) too.

President Al Gore

2006-05-14T17:07:00.000+02:00

Don't know if you caught last night's SNL opener featuring President Al Gore. No, that's not a misprint, the skit was about what the country would be like if Al Gore had taken the Presidency back in 2000. I said 'taken' and not 'won' because he did win, but we all know how that turned out. Anyway, the skit was very funny, but also a little sad, in that 'what it could have been' type of way. It was also a little brave of Gore to do this if the rumors about him planning on running in 2008 are true. Well, politically brave that is. It will get replayed many times in the future and it will be used by both sides for and against him. Either way, it was funny and should be seen. So here it is. Enjoy:

Saturday Night Live Opener - Al Gore:

Poseidon Sucked!!!!

2006-05-13T02:55:00.000+02:00

Poseidon - This movie deserves to sink!

Wow, I got back from the theatre a little while ago after watching Poseidon and I am still trying to recover. It was an awful movie. I know what you're thinking, "What the Hell did you expect?" And yes, you are right. I should know better, but I am still amazed at how disappointed I get after seeing many of these atrocious big budget Hollywood flicks that looked interesting in the trailers or commercials and then turn out to be more moronic and cheesy than a daily marathon of 'Full House' episodes. It really sucked... and here's why:

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Let me first say that if you want to see this film, you should probably not read this because I am going to go into a lot of detail. Other than mentioning exactly who lives and dies in the movie, there's not a lot I would be ruining for you since it's a remake and everyone already knows the basic story. However, I might end up revealing something that would detract from your movie going experience... oh fuck it! This movie blows and Ill be saving you hours of your life and $10 if you continue, so read it and avoid this ridiculous pile of Hollywood dogshit.

"Yeah, I'm a gambler, I'm hot and I have piercing blue eyes. That's how you know I'm your hero for this evening."

Freddy and Mia: Token minorities and doomed from the start.

"I play an asshole gambler in this? God, I wish I had my brother Matt's career."

Now, I loved the original 70's film, The Poseidon Adventure. Not because it was a great piece of art, but because it was a camp classic with some awesome scenes and well thought out ideas. It was directed and edited with a real sense of timing and it had a little breathing room in between action sequences to allow for some character development. It also starred some real actors and personalities that made you want to root for them as they tried to make their way to the bottom of the overturned boat to be saved. I wish I could say any of that was true for the new film, but alas, I can't.

If I had known how bad the movie was going to be, I would have been cheering and rooting for the tidal wave during this scene.

Go wave, go! Harder! Harder!

If only the water could also wash away my memories of this film.

Let's start with the cast then. The movie has some known celebrities and even a few good actors. Unfortunately, the movie requires not one ounce of real acting. Seriously, they could have replaced everyone in the film with my West Virginia hillbilly family and it wouldn't have been any worse than it was. No acting was required and if my Uncle Lowell had played the part of Kurt Russell's character, it would have been the same movie. From beginning to end, the basic premise of each scene is as follows:

"Hey, there's a hatch, let's go there."
"Okay."
"That looks sort of dangerous."
"I know, but the water's coming, so we don't have a choice."
"Hold your breath and grab onto me."
"Okay, don't let go."
{They swim thru water, climb thru tight spaces and step over dead bodies}
{Coughs, water gushes out of mouth, coughs again, intakes air}
"I don't think **** made it. Sad. Let me sit for a second and ponder."
"Where to now?"
"Hey, there's a hatch, let's go there."

-Repeat multiple times-

"Alright kid, go thru this hatch and look for other hatches for us to go thru."

"Where did my A-List career go? Is it in here?"

Really, that's the movie in a nutshell. To say that there was no character development is an understatement on the level of, 'Anna Nicole Smith is just a tiny bit nutty'. Seriously, there is absolutely NO (I repeat, NO) character development. If you've seen the 70's original, then you certainly remember the characters and their backgrounds: Gene Hackman's conflicted priest who likes to challenge God; Ernest Borgnine's jealous angry cop who really loves his wife despite her very unlikable qualities; Stella Stevens' nagging sexpot wife that pushes all her husband's buttons just for fun; Pamela Sue Martin's innocent and pretty teen protecting her precocious little brother; Red Button's sad lonely widower who latches onto the in-shock ship singer; Carol Linley's scared and in-shock singer who's just lost her younger brother musician during the boat's overturning and she has to be constantly cared for all thru the rest of the rescue; Roddy McDowall's fey, but very stable and calm ship employee; and most importantly, Jack Albertson and Shelley Winters' in love and crusty old Jewish couple who just want to get out so they can see their grandchildren one more time. And that's just a very brief outline of all the information you get to know about the characters. There's much more, but too much to list here.

The original Poseidon Adventure cast. You are sorely missed.

Now let me give you a breakdown of the new movie's characters and ALL of the background info you are given about them (BTW, they are all different characters than the original, but I won't use their character's names since I don't remember any of them and neither will you - it's easier to remember them as the cliqued 'types' they are). There's Josh Lucas' pretty gambler (that's it - nothing else - he gambles and he's pretty); Kurt Russell who was a former firefighter and the mayor of New York City once (Mayor of NYC? Who writes this shit? During the movie, I kept flashing to images of Ed Koch heroically swimming around in Kurt Russell's role); Emmy Rossum, pretty daughter of the former mayor, who thinks he's too controlling and doesn't want to tell him she just got engaged to her even prettier boyfriend; Mike Vogel as the pretty boyfriend (that's it - he's an attractive boy - the only thing you learn about him in the entire film is that he was never on his high school swim team - I swear, that's it); Jacinda Barrett as the single Mom with her kid (once again, that's it - she has a son and the son has her - absolutely nothing else about them, nothing!); Richard Dreyfuss as the suicidal gay architect who was just dumped before the boat left port (there's a wimpy half assed suicide attempt by him at the beginning of the movie and then he quickly becomes the most quiet and faceless person in the group for the rest of the movie); Kevin Dillon as an asshole gambler (again, that's it - he's a gambler who is an asshole - absolutely nothing else); Mia Maestro as a foreign stowaway trying to get to her sick brother in NYC; and Freddy Rodriguez as the ship's Hispanic kitchen help who stowed the girl away and ends up being the quick group sacrifice near the beginning (really, they actually sacrifice him so they can continue on - more about that later).

"I'm no longer the ugly lead singer of Black Eyed Peas. Now, I'm a minor D-List actress playing an ugly lead singer in a movie. Will.I.Am can go suck it!"

"First, The Phantom Of The Opera and now this? My film career is as doomed as this ship."

"Why am I playing this minor 5 line part? Don't you know that I have an Emmy for Homicide: Life On The Street? Get me my agent!"

Okay, now that you know the cast and their... uhhmm... 'characters' (I use that term soooo loosely), here's a little rundown of exactly what happens:

In the first 10 minutes, all the characters seem to have a basic setup brush with each other somewhere on the ship so that they can recognize each other after the boat turns over.
Everyone goes to the ballroom for the New Year's Eve party where captain Andre Braugher (why the Hell did he take this minor role in this dreck) makes a weird statement about Poseidon and then introduces the night's singer (it's Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas as the lead singer - fug as ever).
The rogue tidal wave comes towards the boat and the on-deck crew starts to turn the boat around so it can be completely sideways when the wave hits it for maximum rollover capability (dumb asses - didn't they ever overturn their toys in the bathtub as a child? If they had, they would have known they were doing the exact wrong thing during a moment like this).
The boat flips in a slow orgy of explosions and falling digital bodies, yet it's all strangely bloodless.
Everyone mills around for a minute or so after the overturned boat settles, but they don't seem to care that all their friends and loved ones are dead because you don't hear anyone screaming or crying.
Loner gambler Josh Lucas decides to go up to be rescued, but gets talked into helping Kurt Russell find his daughter in the disco first, all the while bringing the kitchen employee, the old gay man, the single woman and her kid along to slow him down.
They cross an elevator shaft with the ship's low-paid kitchen employee doing most of the work while he lets everyone else go first and follows up at the end. The kitchen help almost falls and grabs the gay man's leg to try and save himself as they hang in the elevator shaft. The elevator above starts to jerk and fall. The other characters scream and beg the gay man to kick off the kitchen employee from his leg so he can save himself. The gay man complies and kicks the kitchen employee in the face so he falls to his death and they pull the gay man to safety. Now let me just stop here and say something. I would typically think of it as a major sign of progress for an action movie to have all the characters rally around a gay man and help save him from certain death. However, if he is a gay man that was about to commit suicide just 30 minutes earlier and he is now killing the one person that had risked his life moments ago to let him go first and saved the gay man's life, then it sort of negates that progress, doesn't it? Especially if they don't even show the gay man demonstrating any remorse afterwards or even being a little sad that he just kicked a brave man to his death so he could save his own pathetic ass. At least the gambler is upset enough to let out a long slow breath to show that he is a little sad and needs to regroup before continuing. No one else seems to much care - he WAS the Hispanic help after all.
They get to the disco and find the mayor's daughter, her severely injured pretty boyfriend (who's leg should be completely crushed), the stowaway and the asshole gambler. By the next scene, the boyfriend's injury has been forgotten and he stops limping altogether.
They start climbing up to the bottom of the ship. The asshole gambler cuts in line in front of the mayor's daughter as they cross a makeship bridge and has a little tantrum. He immediately is crushed to death. Gee, I didn't see that one coming from a mile away.
Meanwhile, back at the ballroom, the supposedly waterproof room that the ship's captain had told everyone was safe, starts to fill with water and he realizes that all the people he made stay there are about to die. He looks at the singer (Fergie) with a look of, "Oh Well, what can you do?" and she then looks at him in a close up shot (I threw up in my mouth a little here and things are hazy to me about what happened during the next couple of minutes - I believe everyone died painfully, especially Fergie).
So, the climbers now see all the water rising and have to go up through tight vents where they can build up obvious and un-needed suspense and the kid saves the day because he has tiny girl hands (don't ask - just know that it also involves a cross and a screw).
They then swim through lots of stuff and the stowaway ends up getting caught on something, bumping her head and then dying. Everyone looks sad for only about 10 seconds because she was Hispanic too (but not even the good kind of US Hispanic) and was even worse than the kitchen help, because she never even paid for a ticket on the boat.
They climb and swim some more. The kid gets stuck behind a screen as the water rises while his Mom is on the other side basically telling him he's going to die, but that it will all be okay. Unsurprisingly, the gambler saves him, but you never know how he performs his kid saving magic.
In another room, the former Mayor realizes they have to stop the engines so the propellers will quit and they can climb out that way. In order to do this, he decides he needs to swim to another place under the water and turn off the propellers, but that it will take too long and he will probably drown (don't ask me how he knows where this room is or how he knows what to do once he gets there). The pretty boyfriend then says that he will do it himself because he has the most chance of making it since he is young and virile and the Mayor is an old fart. The Mayor agrees, so the daughter gets upset and while the boyfriend consoles her, the Mayor jumps in and takes care of the job himself. During this scene, I was thinking that he must've been a Democratic Mayor, because a Republican would have pushed the boyfriend in to do it and then pushed his daughter in after him to guarantee the job got done. To be honest though, it seemed obvious to me that the boyfriend was making an empty gesture and knew that if he turned his back to the Mayor and held his crying girlfriend for a few minutes, the Mayor would just get fed up and do it himself. Pretty and smart - the boyfriend is my favorite character.
So the Mayor dies and minutes later, the gambler also sacrifices himself, but he doesn't end up dying because he's too pretty and they may want him for the sequel.
As they all jump out of the ship into the dark waters just seconds before it sinks, they luckily have an empty inflatable raft waiting for them right there at the one place they happen to be. Uggh! Honestly, it made me want to scream.
So all the pretty young straight white people survive and they also let the old gay cowardly murderer live (their one concession to political correctness?).

"Kick the minority in the face! Kick him if you want to live."

"Yeah, I know you just murdered the guy who saved you, but he was a token character. What'ya gonna do?"

"Please hold my hand... and don't kick me in the face sending me to my doom. I'm the pretty boyfriend and I deserve to live."

Okay, those are the characters and that is the breakdown of everything that happens in the film. So here are my questions:

Why is the movie so badly edited? It's horrible. Nothing flows and there are tiny little things that some of the characters do or say that makes me think there was much more character development and important scenes that must have gotten cut by a movie studio exec who came in and said, "Cut out all this other boring character stuff and make it non-stop action from beginning to end." For example, when the gambler originally meets the single mother, he asks her why she is at the captain's table that night and says she must be somebody important. Unfortunately, you never find out who. She also is the one who bandages the pretty boyfriend's injury and makes the assessment that it should be okay despite it being completely crushed. Is she a doctor, nurse, faith healer, massage therapist? They never tell you who she is or what she does and that is true of almost everyone in the movie (except for the brave former NYC Mayor/fireman - yeah, right! If current mayor Michael Bloomberg were in that boat, he would have peed himself, ended up getting stuck in the air vent and ultimately drowned).
Why didn't they spend at least 10 minutes or so on the people in the ballroom after the boat turned over? That's the best part of the original film. The life saving stuff involving the tables and catching the people in the table clothes was really suspenseful in the first movie. They make a pathetic 10 second attempt to recreate it, but it just reminds you of how much better the original was. There's no Christmas tree climb either or arguments over the the best thing to do to save themselves. Instead, the decision is made within seconds and they basically just walk up to the door and leave. The original was leaps and bounds better.
Why are there no old people? Honestly, it's a cruise ship for God's sake! Old people are usually 90% of the people on a big boat. The original film was mainly older people and Shelley Winters was the best and most memorable thing in the movie. She deserved her Oscar nomination for playing the doddering former high school swim champ who sacrifices herself for the others as her heart eventually gives way. It's total camp, but she makes you believe every second of it and gives it her complete conviction. There won't be any Oscars for this new mess of a film though. None. Not even the 2 original songs that Fergie sings in the ballroom are good enough to qualify for the Best Song category. Man, this movie could have really used some Shelley Winters in it. I think she died this past year just so she wouldn't have to see this utter travesty of a film.
Is it really that easy to get a foreign stowaway on board a ship and then get her off again in the US? In this day and age, I'm thinking no, but the movie makes it look awful easy. I hope the terrorists don't watch this movie and get any ideas.
Why is the movie only 1 hour and 40 minutes long? Seriously, Summer action movies are supposed to be much longer and as horribly as this was edited, it could have used another 50 minutes to flesh out the characters and situations. Although, I don't even think that would have saved the movie from sucking like a big black hole.
Did director Wolfgang Petersen blindfold himself and use earplugs while he was making this piece of crap? He's always been a little bit of a hack in Hollywood, but this movie is the hackiest of them all and I can't believe this is the same director that made Das Boot. It's like finding out that Martin Scorsese also directed the movie White Chicks.

"You and the kid stay back. There's bad movie dialogue in here and it could be dangerous to your careers."

Just looking a little tilty in the original, Shelley Winters out acts everyone in this new film.

"Kurt, look over there and see if you can find a better script for me to direct."

So that's it. Poseidon was stupid, horribly written, awfully directed, amateurishly edited and in need of any actor with a personality. I now really hope that my earlier estimate that it would have a great opening weekend is completely wrong. JM's 5/12 Weekend Film Forecast This movie deserves to sink to the bottom of the ocean and stay there.

This Is What 40 Should Look Like!

2006-05-13T01:19:00.000+02:00

The fabulous Ms. Janet Jackson is back to her 'Feather' weight status and looking like the hot ablicious creature we've always loved. After beefing up last Fall to 'Heavyweight' status, she was looking like she wouldn't make it back in the ring to fight again. However, she showed up last night at Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball (3rd picture below, dressed in black) and was a 'Knockout'. And get this... Ms. Jackson just turned 40 years old this past Tuesday. That's right, the gorgeous creature that showed up on Oprah's red carpet is 40! I guess it's true that 40 is the new 30. Thank God, 'cause I'm cruising towards the big 4-0 myself. So Happy Birthday Ms. Jackson. Lookin' Good.

Dec. 2005: Heading to Popeyes for a bucket of chicken.

March 2006: Heading to Weight Watchers for her daily weigh in.

May 2006: Heading to the bathroom to stick her finger down her throat.

In honor of her amazing recent transformation and her special day, here's a Megamix Video featuring many of Janet's best songs and videos of the past 15 years. Enjoy.

They're Wacky & They're Pretty

2006-05-12T18:14:00.000+02:00

Sent to me by a loyal reader who doesn't want to be named (yes, believe it or not, I have loyal readers now), here is a little side by side comparison of two big stars, bigger homosexuals and even bigger extraterrestrials. Is Tom Cruise the reincarnation of Liberace, or just his long lost son? You decide.

"Hey Tom, who's your Daddy?"

Weekend Film Forecast - 5/11/06

2006-05-12T07:18:00.000+02:00

Okay, the 3 big releases this weekend are Poseidon, Just My Luck and Goal! The Dream Begins. No matter how it does, Poseidon will be the number one movie. It doesn't have any other big releases opening against it and with M:I:3 not living up to expectations last weekend, you'd be stupid to bet against Poseidon as the top film, although some people are. The big question is how big will it open. The other question is how much audience will M:I:3 lose.

Right now, Poseidon is opening on 3,355 screens, Just My Luck on 2,541 and Goal! on 1,007. M:I:3 will be keeping about the same amount of screens as last weekend at just over 4,000.

Poseidon: Gonna sink or swim?

So, Poseidon is the big movie this weekend. The forecast predictions have been really inconsistent and range anywhere from $20 million all the way up to $35 million - a pretty big gap. Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it will do over $40 million and here's why. The last disaster movie to open in May was The Day After Tomorrow 2 years ago. It was on a few less screens than Poseidon is opening on and it did $68.7 in it's first weekend. Like Poseidon, it wasn't headlined by any A-List stars and it's trailer looked cooler than the actual movie was. Similarly, it was also pretty much a critic proof film for the opening weekend like Poseidon. Unlike Poseidon though, TDAT had much more competiton from other big releases that were in theatres at its point of release, but it had the advantage of being extremely well promoted and everyone was talking about it weeks before it opened because of its environmental themes. However, Poseidon has something that TDAT didn't have, a beloved original film that people still know, as well as an action director (Wolfgang Petersen) who has had major success with these types of watery movies (Das Boot, The Perfect Storm) and who's last 6 films have all been unqualified hits.

Since I think M:I:3 will take a bigger hit than some people expect this weekend, moviegoers are going to need to go see something (and it ain't gonna be the Lindsay Lohan flick, Just My Luck). Poseidon has a lot of appeal that many films don't have. It has plenty of action for the boys, plenty of heart for the girls, a major gay character (but nothing touchy feely that will turn off the straight boys) as well as fond memories of Shelly Winters in the original film for all the gays. As well, the commercials make the sinking ship look as cool as the Titantic boat stuff (with almost a decade spaced out since that film to minimize comparisons). Older moviegoers also have good memories of the original film and aren't going to be turned off by the idea of a loud action film since they liked the 70's version. It's also one of those films that most people won't be embarrased to buy a ticket to and that most people wouldn't protest going to go see if their partner/friends wanted to see it. I think it will do quite well. It won't do The Day After Tomorrow kind of numbers, but I sincerely think it will surprise everyone with a big opening - at least in the $40's range.

M:I:3: Is Tom in for a punishing weekend?

Part of that guess will also be because M:I:3 is gonna bomb bigger than expected. Most films of its type lose a little less than 50% of it's first weekend. That means that most of the estimates for it this weekend have been in the high $20's. I'm thinking more like low $20's - about a 60% drop off, not 50%. Why? Because the press and blogs have been so mean this week about the film's bad opening as well as I think that most of those who wanted to see it have now seen it already. I just can't imagine that it won't take a big hit this weekend. People are tired of, and still want to punish, Tom Cruise and this is how they will do it.

Just My Luck: Is Lindsay out of luck?

Speaking of tired and punishing, Lindasy Lohan's Rom-Com Just My Luck will need all the luck it can get. Her last film, Herbie The Love Bug, opened at about $12 million and I think this one will do a little less. It has no real kid appeal and no real adult appeal either - just teens that are getting burnt out on her by now. The forecast for the film is around $13, but I think it will easily go below the $10 million mark.

Goal! The Dream Begins: Is Goal gonna score?

Goal! The Dream Begins is a soccer movie with little publicity, no real stars and the worst title since Dreamer: Inspired By A True Story from last year. The thinking is that Goal! will take in about $3 million and I think that is probably pretty accurate.

So here is my official forecast:

Poseidon - $42 million
M:I:3 - $23 million
Just My Luck - $8 million
Goal! The Dream Begins - $3 million

I'll update with the actual results on Sunday.

Ryan Seacrest Likes Sex Toys? Duh!

2006-05-12T06:13:00.000+02:00

Yeah, any chance of Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest ever getting back together is shot as of tonight. Desperate Housewives' Teri Hatcher just appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman this evening and Dave made it a point to ask her about her recent dating of American Idol's Ryan Seacrest (Bryan Seagrave as he called him). When she explained that they had just kissed once and that they weren't ever really dating, he pushed further. Dave asked her that if she wasn't Ryan's type, then what did she think was his type. Hesitant to take his bait, but still being the attention whore that she is, Teri hemmed and hawed for a few seconds and then said, "I think he'd really like one of those Mother's Day gifts backstage." Since Dave had done an earlier skit on the show about Mother's Day gifts and one of them was a typically female-pleasing sexual toy, the joke was that Ryan likes sex toys and that he is gay.

"Ryan, please try using some tongue and it's okay if you want to touch my boob too... and for God's sake, please quit crying."

Now I know what you're thinking to yourself, "Ryan Seacrest is gay? No way. He is so utterly manly and dripping with testosterone that he couldn't possibly be a pole smoker. Really? Ryan Seacrest?" Well, I am here to break the news to you that Teri Hatcher believes he is a big homo. Despite her protest of it just being a joke afterwards, it's pretty safe to say that she really believes it or she wouldn't have said it on national televison in front of millions of people. Now don't get me wrong, if a man dumps Teri Hatcher before she digs her claws into him, that doesn't make him gay, just reasonable, wise and afraid of STDs. However, since we are already talking about a man who flirts with male reality show contestants, trades bitchy barbs with the male judges and announces on a tv program where showtunes tend to be the standard singing fare, I don't think it's a real reach to think of him as gay... and Teri appears to have confirmed it for us.

"Yes Ryan, you could have had these. 'They're real and they're spectacular.'"

So thanks Teri, I'm sure Ryan will be making a statement any day now that you actually are a hermaphrodite and he only went on a date with you so he could get some eyebrow plucking hints and Brazilian waxing tips for his sister. I actually hope this turns into a real celebrity feud. I'm already soooo over the Hilton / Richie / Lohan / Duff / Simpson / Lachey / Jolie / Aniston feuds and would enjoy two new big self involved queens taking swipes at each other in the press. The Locklear / Richards / Sheen thing just isn't occupying enough of my day.

"Yes, I'm here to announce that Teri hatcher is a liar. I'm not gay and I don't use sex toys on myself. Now would you please get that big beautiful microphone out of my face. It's turning me on."

Going To War Again?

2006-05-12T01:29:00.000+02:00

Jesus folks, everyday we seem to be getting closer to war with Iran. I know it sounds absurd, considering that we can barely keep it together in Iraq right now, but Raw Story has a full accounting of what's going on, including information on aircraft carriers heading to the Gulf at the moment. They're saying the US could be ready for a strike on Iran by June. I didn't want to believe it was possible, but RS really lays out the events happening that could make this a complete reality. You have to read this story. It's scary stuff. Raw Story

"I'm gonna strike those Iranians like a King Cobra going after a little den of mice. I'm gonna rip out their throats until they start spurting blood and then I'm gonna tear their bodies limb by limb as they scream and plead and beg for their lives and the blood is gonna be so tasty and the screams so joyful to my ears. Uhhhh... I'm sorry... what was I talking about?"

And there's lots of other political news going on today as well as all of this week. Raw Story has tons of fascinating things that are happening at the moment. Check out their site if you want to know what's really going on in the world. They're always an amazing source of great information. Raw Story

"The reason I resigned from the US Congress today has nothing to do with my corruption charges. No, it's because I've decided to open the 'Tom Delay Drive Through Faith Healing Center'. It's the wave of the future. Trust me."

If There's Ever Been A Time To Link, It's Now

2006-05-11T19:02:00.000+02:00

She is a member of young Hollywood? The picture in this link makes her look like a 50 year old cleaning woman carrying her employer's trash to the curb. Pop Sugar

Star or domestic help?

It's been a while, and after Lindsay Lohan's craptacular recent hosting gig, SNL can definitely use a funny female to host the show. I'll be watching. MSN Entertainment

She's hilarious, but there ain't nothing funny about those breasts.

What would you call this? A Pizzly? A Grolar Bear? MSNBC

Just 'cause he's 'different' didn't mean they had to kill him.

He's sexy in a 'I was hit in the head by a 2x4 when I was a child' sort of way. A little odd and slow-eyed, but still sexy. Check out his quote here: I Don't Like You In That Way

"Please take pictures of me and my funky eyes."

Seems like one of them's telling a lie. Hard to believe, I know. They've been so honest about everything up until now. Daily Kos

"When I heard the NSA was collecting all your phone information, my reaction was, 'Say wuuuuuuhat?'"

Rich over at Four Four is awesome. Check out his little Being Bobby Brown / Tyra Banks recap and make sure to watch the hilarious video. Four Four

This is the Bobby Brown I want to remember - the one that was high on... life.

Congratulate Me

2006-05-11T16:30:00.000+02:00

Yah! We have officially hit 1000 site views last night. That means millions of people now have a little Jowl Movement to start their day. That's how it works, right? 1000 readers for every 1 view to make a million total Jowl Movement readers? I'm pretty sure that's correct. Now lets get it up to 10 million views by the end of the month. It could happen.

No, really, thanks to all the people who actually do occasionally check out the blog. I've heard from a few of you and hopefully it's getting passed around a little. The traffic has definitely been moving faster in the last few days, so that is a good sign. So thanks again if you read it, thanks if you comment on it and triple thanks if you have ever recommended JM to anyone. You rock.

"I'm cool because I read Jowl Movement everyday. How else am I gonna know what's happeneing to George Bush and Tara Reid?"

Jowl Of The Day

2006-05-11T06:02:00.000+02:00

Since it's Scotty McClellan's last day on the job as White House Press Secretary, I figured I would make him the Jowl Of The Day (and the Quote Of The Day) since there probably won't be anymore chances to really ridicule him after this. Normally, I would sit and list for you a litany of crimes that he has committed against the American people, but since he is the official Spokewhore for this entire failed and dishonest administration, I don't have months and months to write them all down for you. Basically, his major crime is just being the mouthpiece (and a really arrogant, lying, smirky one at that) of the worst presidency in the history of this country. So instead of trying to condense it down for you, I'll just let the pictures of his jowl do all the talking. Enjoy.

Jowlmazing!

"So I said to Dick, 'If you want me to stay on much longer and continue to spout Dubya's ridiculous lies, I would appreciate it if you would just shoot me in the face instead.'"

"Wait, wait! Slow down! I can only tell one lie at a time."

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-11T05:42:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, today in his last White House Press Briefing, and last day on the job, when asked about recent negative comments made by the Bush Administration over some candidates in upcoming Nicaraguan and Peruvian presidential elections, despite the administration's policy of not commenting on foreign elections.

"I think it's up to the people of those countries to choose who their president will be. But what's important for the United States is to continue to emphasize the importance of democracy in the hemisphere and to emphasize the importance of good governance and to emphasize the importance of rule of law and to talk about ways we can work together to lift people out of poverty and to help them realize better quality -- a better quality of life."

Democracy? Good governance? Rule of law? Lifting people out of poverty? Quality of life? Sounds terrific, but couldn't Bush start applying some of those good ideas to our country first since he's pretty much destroyed them all here in the past 6 years? Is it any wonder that he has absolutely no credibility with most other countries in the world and only about 30% of his own citizens (and dropping) find him tolerable? Just sad. So, we'll miss you and your bold faced lies, Scotty - even if just to ridicule you, you complete tool.

"One more lie and then I've got to go."

And Then There Were 3...

2006-05-11T03:51:00.000+02:00

Two great reality show events happened this evening and both shows are now down to 3 contestants each. One departure was surprising - one not so surprising.

AMERICAN IDOL:

Bub-bye Chris.

In a shocking turn of events this evening, Chris headed out of the American Idol door and into the embracing arms of 12 year olds and horny middle aged female rock fans everywhere. He was pretty much the favorite to win everything because of his solid rock voice, shiny head and sultry stares. What killed him tonight then? I think it was his overpraised & lackluster (yeah, I'll say it, even downright boring) performances from last night (especially Elvis's 'Suspicious Minds'). The judges had given Chris his typical slow and tender rim job last night and seemed to be afraid to criticize him for what were really average performances on an Elvis ROCK Night. Big mistake. They also slightly underpraised Katharine for what were really no better or no worse performances than Chris's. You would think they would have learned from the week they unfairly criticized her on the Whitney Houston song to be as fair with her as possible because her fans have a way of putting a real hurt on the other contestants when they feel they have a reason to.

It wasn't the first time Chris was a little lackluster and, for supposedly being the edgy rock guy, his song choices were often lacking (Creed? Styx? Bryan Adams????), but ultimately I think he lost because the judges think they know how to manipulate the audience... and they don't. It's obvious that they wanted him to win the entire show this year and they seemed a little shaken that he was the one who was sent packing tonight. If they had been smart, they would have been a lot more critical of him last night. Anyone who liked him, but didn't 'love' him, had no reason to call in their vote for him Tuesday evening. After the tongue bath the judges gave him, they figured he was safe and they turned their attention to the voting of the person they REALLY loved. Simon should know better than that. Too bad, so sad, but yah for Katharine! She's my idol.

Suspicious Minds want to know why he's leaving.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL:

Surprise, surprise... well not so surprising, Sara was the big loser on ANTM tonight. It didn't come too soon for me. Too tall, too boring, too untrained, too boring, too gawky, too boring (did I mention too boring?). It wasn't actually that interesting of a show tonight except for the typical Jadeisms and her fake sadness at the mention of the tsunami that killed 250,000 last year. Bitch can't even work up some real emotion for that. Man, she's mean and she's stupid, but she's fun to watch and takes great pictures. However, she deserves a slow painful descent into oblivion when all this is over.

So bub-bye Sara, don't let Jade trip your giraffe legs as you walk your bony ass off of Tyra's fake set.

Sara finally leafs the show.

The New & Improved Link Entry, Now With More Pics.

2006-05-11T01:29:00.000+02:00

In a battle between a lesbian and a war hero, I'd typically root for the lesbian. However, this time, I hope the pathetic lesbian gets her ass kicked. Raw Story

She looks like her Daddy shot her in the face.

I'm glad she likes her nipples so much, but I wonder what she thinks of her bug eyes after seeing this picture. Dlisted

Surprised or just bad plastic surgery?

Ha ha. I like number 6 - the one about Star Jones. The Onion

She stapled her what?

Speaking of Star Jones. Lady McBarbara seems to have made her decision, 'Out, out damn Star!' I actually hope Star stays so that her and Rosie can have a real throwdown. Now that's a lesbian I can root for. Pop Bytes

Jonesing for a fight?

Ummmh... genius? Moderately funny on occasion, maybe... but genius? The Scientology crap he believes, now that's 'genius comedy'. Golden Fiddle

His hair is the real comedy... or tragedy.

This is a good step, but can't we keep these Westboro freaks away from ALL funerals. I guess it would be too much to ask to protect people like Matthew Shepard's parents from these assholes in the same way they are protecting a soldier's parents. Our politicos didn't seem to be up in arms back when the Westboro Klan was shouting obscenities at the Shepards on the day Matthew was buried. The Jurist

Didn't they deserve the same respect as a soldier's family?

Guess Who's Got A Big Federbun In Her Oven?

2006-05-10T07:50:00.000+02:00

That's right ya'll, I was watching David Letterman tonight and a badly dressed Mrs. B-Fed came out and made jokes with Dave, read the top 10 list (horribly, I might add) and officially said she was pregnant when Dave asked her for sure if she was. Note to Brit: if you are going to be appearing on national tv and you have the arms of Liz Taylor, wear sleeves. I was mesmerized by all the hanging flesh and almost missed the announcement I was so distracted.

So there you go. No one really cares if she's pregnant and everyone already knew it anyway, but just to verify it for you bitches in case you had a pool going with your coworkers, I thought I would let you know. Now you can go back to living productive lives and planning the Britney baby shower that you're gonna hold for all your stuffed animals in a few months.

BTW, K-Fed has got to be the most fertile MF on the planet. He seems to be able to get a girl pregnant just by farting in the same room with her. It's a good thing he is so ugly then. It helps to counter balance his excessively fertile sperm. Otherwise half of Southern California would be knocked up. Mother nature is funny how she does stuff like that. It's all the 'Circle Of Life' people.

I will say though, that if a nuclear bomb is ever dropped and mankind is almost destroyed, I really hope K-Fed survives to repopulate the Earth. If that doesn't happen, then I hope he expires quickly and painfully - and soon.

Here's my little Brit acting article, in case you missed it before. Enjoy. JM's Britney Spears School Of Acting Brochure

"That's right baby, just lay your head on my shoulder, but keep that penis 10 feet away from me. I don't need anymore Federspawn."

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-09T20:04:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Dubya himself when asked in an interview about the first president, George Washington:

"The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"

Yes George, the most interesting thing about one of the founding fathers and our first official leader of this country is that you read some books about him last year. Washington didn't do anything else notable enough in history to be of interest, except to be the subject of some pop-up picture books you read? That's it. Nothing else. That's all you come up with? Dubya, that's not interesting, just surprising... because it's surprising that you can read at all.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, why is this guy the leader of the free world? Are we ever gonna wake up from this nightmare?

"Wait, you're telling me this guy Washington was the first president and his name was 'George' too? I just can't get my mind around that."

Yah! Top 4 American Idol Tonight!

2006-05-09T17:49:00.000+02:00

First off, Blogger is being a bitch today and this is the first time all day I've been able to access my blog. Hopefully it's all fixed now.

Second, I'll get over it because American Idol is on tonight and that makes it all better. I know, I'm a freak, but when you find a guilty pleasure like Idol to obsess over, who cares if everyone thinks you're a dumb fag that watches way too much reality tv. Oh wait, I am a dumb fag that watches way too much reality tv, so feel free to think that about me.

Anyway, in honor of tonight's show, here's a video of one of my favorite contestants from past seasons, second year American Idol number 3 finisher, Kimberley Locke. I think she deserved to win over Ruben and Clay and I love her even more because she's super gay friendly and has played lots of gay clubs and Pride events since her AI days. She ain't stupid, she loves us and knows who to befriend for a lifetime of fan support and we love her right back.

Anyway, this is a great remix of her Top Ten hit from a few years ago, 8th World Wonder. Enjoy... and if you want to read my humorous recap of last week's show before watching tonight, just click here (after watching the video, of course). JM's Top 5 Weekly Recap 5/3/06

8th World Wonder (Hi-Bias Extended Club Edit) - Kimberley Locke:

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Linkiest Of All?

2006-05-09T13:35:00.000+02:00

If you just can't get enough Cookie Monster in your day. McSweeneys

Godsmack sucks ass. Huffington Post

Big Gay Al and his Tranny partner. DListed

The new CIA pick also has connections to Hookergate. Unbelievable. TPM Muckraker

I hate this chick almost as much as Asslee Simpson. Really. MTV

Now this is damn interesting. Ha ha, Hitler was a big tool for falling for this (besides being a big tool for everything else he did). Damn Interesting

Music! Ebay! Music! Ebay! Music! Ebay!

2006-05-09T05:50:00.000+02:00

Yah! I've finally got some stuff up on ebay. Since I've been back from Spain, I've been a little (okay, a lot) lazy and have been taking my time to get new stuff up. Well, I'm happy to announce that I finally got off my ass and got a lot of stuff listed. Actually, I didn't get off my ass, because I was sitting on it all night while at my computer, but it's a figure of speech, so don't get all up in my grille about my use of words, bitches!

For anyone that doesn't know, I sell rare remix and b-side import/promo singles on ebay. I have just about every kind of music, but I am especially big on dance and house music. There's some great stuff there if you are a 'singles' and remix freak like me. A lot of it even starts at $0.99. What a deal! Check out all my listings here:

Ebay Items - fruvious (user id)

A little sampling of some of the stuff I've got up so far (much more to come in the following days and weeks, so keep checking back):

1. Wildchild
2. Whitney Houston
3. Weezer

1. The Wasabees (Star Wars)
2. Village People
3. Veronica

1. Vengaboys
2. Underworld
3. Ultra Nate

1. Uberzone
2. U2 - Larry Mullen & Adam Clayton (Mission:Impossible Theme)
3. Train

1. Tori Amos
2. Tori Alamaze (Pussycat Dolls)
3. Toni Braxton

1. TLC
2. Timo Maas
3. Tenacious D (Jack Black)

1. Taylor Dayne
2. 3rd Party
3. 3 Doors Down

E-Mail Spam Of The Day

2006-05-09T01:48:00.000+02:00

Just got this e-mail in my spam box (exactly as written except for the website link):

Subject: For your wife’s last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction.

For your wife’s 1ast b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction. By taking our new Soft Cialis Tabs you are bound to give her the best sex ever instead of miserable “battery dick”.

www.*****. com

Viagra@ tabs is for real men who h@ve their own style.

Denise

This e-mail has caused me a lot of anxiety. Here's why.

How in the Hell did they know what I gave my 'wife' for his last birthday?
How did they know my Erectile Dysfunction is hopeless?
If it's hopeless, why should I worry about taking Cialis? It is hopeless after all.
Why is "battery dick" miserable? Most of my female friends seem to like "battery dick", just look in their closets and bedside drawers for proof.
Why are they pushing me towards Viagra at the end of the e-mail when they've just sold me on Cialis?
If I buy the Cialis instead of the Viagra, am I a real man? Do I still have style?
Or if I buy the Viagra instead of the Cialis, am I still able to give 'her' the best sex ever, or will only the Cialis do that for me?

I'm so confused. This e-mail is killing me. I can't decide whether I want to give the best sex ever or be a real man with style. Which would my 'wife' prefer, I wonder? He already knows I'm not a real man and have no style, so my guess is that he would want me to give him the best sex ever. The Cialas it is then. Sheeeew - problem solved.

She Has The Breasts Of An 80 Year Old Woman

2006-05-09T00:50:00.000+02:00

Okay, I hate Jessica Simpson, but I can truly appreciate what straight men see in her. She has the body of a slutty 18 year old porn star and the big platinum blond hair of a... well... a slutty 18 year old porn star. Mix all that with the girl next door dumb blond naivity of a sweet 18 year old porn star and I get it - she's hot. Well, sorry boys, but those days are over. The ex Mrs. Lachay showed up at the ALMA Awards this weekend with a whole new look (BTW, why was she at the ALMA Awards? She's as Latina as a Finnish albino living in an igloo at the North Pole).

Anyway, the formerly blonde pixie arrived at the red carpet with a big head full of orange prom hair and droopy breasts that would look more appropriate on the body of Phyllis Diller during a mammogram. Really. I shit you not. Jessica still looks like a sluttly porn star, but now she looks like one who's implants have been leaking for a few weeks and she threw them into an unflattering dress and went out to party instead of rushing to the doctor's office where she belonged. Damn those breasts are ugly and that hair - just don't get me started. When the only thing you've got going for you is your huge young perky breasts and beautiful blond locks, it makes no sense to do this to yourself. Just really sad.

"Hi boys. Like my saggy tits? I let them out just for you."

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-08T20:50:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Alex Nogales, President of the National Hispanic Media Coalition, when asked about the current visibility of hispanics in an article about this past weekend's ALMA (American Latino Media Arts) Awards.

"Before, we were always the poor immigrant who got vandalized or the dope pushers on TV, take your pick. Now, Jimmy Smits is over there on 'The West Wing' getting ready to be the President Of The United States. I mean, that's a big step."

Uhmmm. Considering all the immigration stuff that's been going on over the past month and the fact that Dubya is still the real President of the USA, I'm not sure that having a a C-list actor portray the president on a tv show that is being cancelled at the exact same time he is taking the fake oath of office is really a big sign of progress. Sorry. Wish it were the beginning of some significant change on tv, but I gotta call him on this. If they actually let 'The West Wing' continue past Smit's his first day in office, maybe I could accept it a little more as some sign of really significant media visibility. Otherwise, I think it's just tv executives pandering to a huge portion of the population that they've pretty much ignored up to this point and will probably continue to ignore in the future.

"I demand an immediate congresssional investigation to find out why this show is being cancelled, just as I am becoming President."

Meg Ryan: Classic Creepy Feline Hero?

2006-05-08T17:46:00.000+02:00

If they ever decide to make a direct-to-video sequel of the film flop The Cat In The Hat and Mike Myers is not available, I hear Meg Ryan is looking for work. I wonder if she took the film poster into the doctor's office and said, "Make me look like that." Just hideous.

Someone needs to get these 40-something, surgery addicted actresses some help. If I were a middle-aged character actress I'd be so excited right now, because in a few years there won't be a single A-List screen beauty that's going to be able to have a single emotion show up on her face anymore. I see a ton of roles becoming available for Catherine Keener and Frances McDormand in the very near future.

The cover of Dr. Seuss's newest book, "The Cat In The Plastic Surgeon's Office".

Four Score And 7 Links Ago

2006-05-08T17:28:00.000+02:00

If I were actor Richmond Arquette, I think I'd be pissed that I was left off of this list. I wonder if they remember to invite him to the family reunions? Celebrity Smack

Republicans (1), Science (0), American Public (-4, 769, 320). Centre Daily

It's obvious she hasn't had a major overhaul, but don't tell me this bitch hasn't had a little work done. Glitterati Gossip

Frist and Hastert are nasty, greedy and corrupt? That's like saying Ashlee Simpson is an untalented hack or her sister has big boobs. The obviousness just smacks you in the face. Think Progress

This is satire, but Tomkat is already stranger than fiction, so what's the point? Dateline Hollywood

When Christian Slater and Stephen Dorf are your leading men and Tara Reid plays a research scientist, then you know you are in for some quality movie going. I'm soooo buying this and having a double feature showing with 'Showgirls'. Internet Movie Database

If Dubya were any dumber, he'd be riding the short bus back to the institution after visiting Barbara for the weekend. Daily Kos

Picture Of The Day

2006-05-08T17:06:00.000+02:00

Yeah, baby, I feel your pain.

"Waaahhhh! Why did you bring me into this evil world? Waaahhhh! I want to go back in the womb."

Videos Of The Day: Dave Chapelle as R. Kelly

2006-05-08T15:58:00.000+02:00

I miss The Dave Chapelle Show. Well, I miss the promise of new comedy bits from him since Comedy Central has pretty much run his first 2 seasons into the ground through reruns. However, there is so much classic stuff in those first 2 seasons, that it's hard to get tired of it. In honor of Dave and his sorely missed potential for new shows, here's one of my favorite things he did: his parody videos of perverted R&B crooner R. Kelly singing [I Want To] Pee On You and his follow up to that [I Want To] Pee On You (Remix). NSFW, but enjoy when you can.

[I Want To] Pee On You (R. Kelly Parody) - Dave Chapelle:

[I Want To] Pee On You (Remix) (R. Kelly Parody) - Dave Chapelle:

Britney A Talentless Wannabe? Say It Ain't So!

2006-05-07T21:18:00.000+02:00

I know this isn't shocking news, y'all... or even news at all, but any chance I get to make fun of Britney Spears, I'm gonna take advantage of. It appears that an LA drama coach was recently hired by Britney to improve her acting skills and he ended up quitting because Britney didn't take the classes seriously and she wanted to skip through the course instead of really applying herself. He said, "She came across as a spoilt child in the body of a young woman, who's not used to being told no. I can imagine her ruining a televised drama by suddenly staring straight into camera and either winking, shaking her boobs or blowing a bubble of gum. But not all at the same time - that would be asking far too much of her." The whole story is here: Entertainment Wise

After seeing her recent awful performance on Will & Grace, I'd have to say that there is probably some truth to this story. In honor of that, here's a little photo essay I've compiled from the Britney Spears School Of Acting brochure I recently got in the mail. Enjoy.

"Acting's not easy ya'll. These are some of the faces you have to make when you act. Here, the acting teacher told me to act like I just found out my Grandmother had died. It was sad... and hard, ya'll."

"Ya'll, this is from my audition tape for Lifetime's 'The Carnie Wilson Story: No Time To Weight'. I didn't get the part, but the director said I was really convincing as a young Carnie."

"When you're an actor, it's important to keep your skin tan ya'll, 'cause you act with all the parts of your body and your skin covers your body parts. So it's like you're acting with your skin... and no one likes pale skin acting, ya'll."

"This was from a part I tried out for where I was supposed to play a girl who works at a drive thru window during the day and then is a stripper at night. It was called, 'Would You Like A Shake With That?'. During the audition, I kept getting the character's jobs confused and tried to dance for all the restaurant customers in the drive thru. I didn't get the part. Acting's really hard, ya'll."

"I just found out they are making a film about Hurrican Katrina ya'll, so I took some pictures of me acting and showing that I can still look sexy if I got caught in a Hurricane and I sent them to the director. I hope I get the part, ya'll."

"These are some shots I had done to send to the movie studio that's making 'The Life And Times Of Betsy Ross'. She made our American flag ya'll, and I thought these turned out really good. Unfortunately, they gave the part to Rachel Weisz instead. I cried for days after that. I soooo wanted that part, 'cause I can sew really good, ya'll."

"This is me on the set of the film, 'Get Thee To A Nunnery', where I played a nun at the Vatican, ya'll. I kept telling the director that it would be a lot better if I took off that ugly black robe thing they kept putting on me and I wore my lingerie instead, but the director wouldn't listen. In this picture, he's making me put that awful black robe back on after I tried to take it off for the scene where I meet the Pope. I still think I was right, but he was the director. I don't know why they are taking so long to release the movie. I filmed it over 5 years ago, but am crossing my fingers it comes out soon, ya'll."

"Ya'll, it's hard to be a Mom and an actress / singer. This picture isn't of me acting, but I decide to use it to show how difficult it is to hold a baby and try and remember your lines at the same time."

"I'm not a slut, ya'll. This is just me practicing a scene with Kevin 'cause I'd just gotten a call from my agent saying I had an audition for the movie, 'John Holmes: The Man And The Myth.' See how good of an actress I am? I'm acting like Kevin's really big, but he's so not, ya'll."

"Sometimes you have to work with animals in movies, ya'll. Here I'm practicing with a real snake 'cause I feel really comfortable around them... probably because I'm married to one, ya'll."

"This is from my audition tape for the remake of the Meryl Streep movie, 'A Cry In The Dark'. Here, I'm yelling my lines, 'Help, ya'll, help! A dingo ate my baby, ya'll!'"

"Makeup is a really important part of acting, ya'll. This is when I tried out for an edgy independent version of 'Where's Waldo?'. My makeup was hot and helped me act my butt off during my meeting with the casting director, but he only wanted me for the role of Waldo's slutty younger sister and I refuse to be in a movie unless I'm the star, ya'll."

"Ya'll, I know everyone who saw this on tv thought that I was frenching Madonna, but I wasn't. She was just the Mommy movie star passing on her acting energy to me, the Baby movie star. I really think it will be good for my acting though, 'cause Madonna was soooo good in 'Swept Away' and Who's That Girl?', ya'll."

"Ya'll, hair and makeup is important, but lighting can be just as important when it comes to your acting. This is from my screen test for this independent movie called "Cheetos Girl" about a girl who eats Cheetos all the time and starts to turn orange. It was such a good script, ya'll, you don't even know. Unfortunately, the funding got cancelled before we started filming. But you see how good the lighting made my acting here, ya'll?"

"I also did an independent horror film that is still waiting to be released, ya'll. This picture is from the movie. It's called, 'Death In The Produce Drawer.' It's about this very famous and fashionable 5 star chef (me) who is cooking one night when she hears sounds coming from the restaurant's stainless steel refrigerator. She opens the door and all of a sudden... oh wait, I don't want to give away the surprise and ruin it for ya'll, but I'll just say it involves a rotting carrot and an expired can of whipped cream. God, I hope I didn't give too much away already. I'll make sure to let you know as soon as it comes out though. Pete, the director even said he thinks I could win some awards for this one. I don't know what a Razzie is, but Pete says I'm a lock for it, ya'll."

"When you're acting in movies ya'll, sometimes you gotta go to red carpet events and you still need to use your acting skills for this too. Here, I'm acting like I'm not embarrased by Kevin's untucked shirt and ripped jeans on the red carpet. I was so angry, it made my roots turn black, but see how I'm still smiling? That's called real acting, ya'll"

"This is from my audition tape I did for a Broadway musical about phone sex operators called, 'What Are You Wearing?'. This picture is from the song I was singing called, '$4.50 A Minute: Hold The Line Please'. I know this sounds like really edgy stuff, ya'll, but I'm no longer a girl and I'm completely a woman, so you guys are gonna have to just accept me in this beautiful journey I call 'acting', even if some of the stuff I do is a little out there, ya'll."

"Ya'll, I know it's a little beneath me, but I haven't been getting too many films lately, so I decided to take a role in a short movie by this film student who's related to my maid, Jaunita. It's about a blow up doll who gets fed up and decides she is going to start saying 'no' when she doesn't feel like performing for her owner. It's called, 'When Blow Means No'. It turned out pretty good, ya'll, but unfortunately it's only playing at the Botswanan Film Festival right now, so you can't see it."

"Ya'll, this is me practicing a scene from an Oxygen tv movie I tried out for. It's about a beautiful feminist studies college professor who has a sleep disorder where she dozes off at weird times during her lectures when she's talking about someone named Susan Sontag. The movie was called, 'The Professor That Slept Around.' I think the sleep disorder she has is called Narcolepsy or Necrophilia or something like that. I didn't get the part though, 'cause I really didn't understand the script, ya'll. I thought she was just falling asleep because this Sontag woman was so boring to talk about and not because of the disorder."

"Here was my audition tape for the new movie musical, "Dreamgirls" that's coming out this year, ya'll. Me and my hair acted so hard for this, but they said they wanted someone black and they gave it to Beyonce instead. I don't understand why they used her instead of me though. I can act black, ya'll. Haven't they seen any of my videos or my wigger husband?"

"Ya'll, I tried out for the film 'Maid In Manhattan' too, but they gave it to Jennifer Lopez instead. I don't know why these other singers are taking all my parts. My audition tape was awesome and this is a picture from it where I was opening the drapes in the room I was cleaning right before I made the bed. They told me the tape was good, but they wanted someone who was hispanic for the part. I tried to explain that I had recorded my hit, 'I'm A Slave 4 U' in Spanglish, so I was able to speak Spanglish, but they never returned my calls after that, ya'll."

"I also wanted to try out for the new movie remake, 'Poseidon', and this is the picture I sent them to hopefully get an audition. Ya'll, with my acting in this picture, I was trying to show them how sexy I could act when I am around the ocean. I also thought it might demonstrate to them how I am physically able to stay afloat in water. I don't know why they never let me audition, ya'll."

"Clothing is soooo important when you act, ya'll. This was me trying out for the part of the Artful Dodger in that British remake of 'Oliver Twist' that came out a few years ago. I thought I really looked the part and it helped me to act all British and stuff, but the casting director said I sounded way too dirty when I said the line, 'Please Sir, can I have another?". But I don't know about that, ya'll. They were orphans and were really dirty kids. They couldn't even get regular manicures or anything, so I don't know what that casting director was talking about, ya'll."

"Ya'll this picture isn't me using my acting or anything, I just think I look really hot here. Hotness is very important if you are going to act. For example, I think that Felicity Huffman could have won the Oscar this year if she had just tried to be hot in that movie 'Transamerica' instead of wearing that ugly brown wig and letting snot come out of her nose when she cried. Yuck. No wonder the hot Reese Witherspoon won instead, ya'll."

"This is a picture of me in a scene from the new shot by shot remake of 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' that I am filming right now, ya'll. I've never seen the original, but everyone tells me it is a classic and I am very excited to bring a classic to young people without them having to watch all that boring black and white stuff. Ya'll the script is so good and the special effects are going to rock. Once you add in my acting, this movie is going to be a classic all over again."

"Ya'll, I know everyone saw this picture in the tabloids and thinks that I am a bad mother because I was driving around LA with Sean Preston on my lap, but that is so unfair. I was really filming a new car commercial and if you look closely, you'll see that it's not really Sean Preston, but a stunt baby. I would never endanger Sean Preston like that. See ya'll, I'm not a bad mother, just a really good actress who's driving around playing a bad mother in the car commercial with a trained baby on my lap."

"And finally ya'll, this is some of the best acting I've ever done. See how happy I look here at the premiere of my first movie, 'Crossroads'? I wasn't happy, I was just acting. It's really hard to be photographed with someone that's prettier than you and I hated it. I begged Justin to not look so pretty that night, but he just kept moisturizing himself and wouldn't listen to me. Ya'll, if there's anything I can teach you about acting, it's that you should never stand beside people that are prettier than you. Why else do you think I married Kevin instead, ya'll?"

Link Me Harder Baby!

2006-05-07T20:34:00.000+02:00

You think this is true? Hmmm, I think it will be Mission Impossible for them to turn this turkey into a big hit. Perez Hilton

Is it really over? Do we really care? Gossip Or Truth

I haven't seen the movie, so I can't really judge it, but it's sort of interesting to hear someone actually give it a negative review instead of the raves I've been hearing. Raw Story

Boy, this chick keeps getting prettier and prettier everytime I see her. Yikes! The husband's hot though. Dlisted

This is why I replaced my liquor cabinet with a pill drawer. The Independent

I'd rather see Jennifer captain the Enterprise. She'd kick some tribble ass. I Watch Stuff

He just makes me prouder and prouder that he is the face of this nation. Jesus, he's a moron. Reuters

Weekend Box Office Results - 5/7/06

2006-05-07T19:28:00.000+02:00

Approximate Sunday Results (in millions):

1. Mission: Impossible III - $48.0 (1st Week)
2. RV - $11.1 ($31.0 Total - 2 Weeks)
3. An American Haunting - $6.4 (1st Week)
4. Stick It - $5.5 ($18.0 Total - 2 Weeks)
5. United 93 - $5.2 ($20.0 Total - 2 Weeks)
6. Ice Age: The Meltdown - $4.0 ($183.3 Total - 6 Weeks)
7. Silent Hill - $3.9 ($40.8 Total - 3 Weeks)
8. Scary Movie 4 - $3.8 ($83.7 Total - 4 Weeks)
9. Akeelah And The Bee - $3.4 ($10.7 Total - 2 Weeks)
10. Hoot - $3.4 (1st Week)

Ha ha. I was right. M:I:3 came in much lower than expected and my guess was pretty accurate. I said $51 million and it only did $48, which is about $15 Million less than it was forecast to do. That's a bad sign for the film and for Tom Cruise. Since the movie's production budget was $150 million and the domestic promotional budget was at least another $50 million, it's extremely unlikely the film will make back its money here in the US. In fact, if next week's new big releases (Poseidon, etc.) perform really well, they could keep M:I:3 from even making $100 milion total (Hollywood's magic number for assessing any kind of moderate success). Sure, the film will probably make back all of its money in foreign grosses in order to cover all its costs and will be relatively successful when released on DVD, but its weak showing this weekend pretty much guarantees there will not be an M:I:4 and Paramount has lost another tentpole franchise.

As for Mr. Cruise, he'll continue to act and have more successes, but this weekend was not a good omen for his next few films. First, it shows that he needs to lay off the craziness. All those couch jumping episodes, public scientology based moments of anger, gross red carpet kissing episodes, really creepy laughs and just general weirdness really do affect how people view the world's biggest movie star. As long as he continues on this path, it's definitely going to affect how his films perform (especially the next few releases). Second, studios, directors and other film folk might think twice before working with him or signing him for his huge salary requirements. Who wants to work with such a big question mark? The big budget Hollywood film world likes to work with 'sure things' and this weekend shows that he is less of a 'sure thing' than ever before. So welcome back to the real world, Mr. Cruise. The Mother Ship has taken off without you and left you earthbound for a little while longer.

As for my other 2 estimates, I was way off. Hoot was a total bomb and An American Haunting did okay, but did not continue the line of recent horror successes. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Video Of The Week: Gwen Stefani Bringing It On

2006-05-06T23:56:00.000+02:00

In honor of the beautiful and very pregnant Gwen Stefani, who looks like she could pop any day now, as well as the popularity of the new film Stick It (made by the same makers of the cheerleading movie Bring It On) that came out last week, my video of the week is a mashup of a dance remix of Gwen's Hollaback Girl and the Kirsten Dunst film Bring It On. Both the mashup remix and mashup video are awesome. Someone worked hard on this one. Enjoy.

Carrying her own Hollaback girl?

Hollaback Girl ('Brought It' Club Edit) - Gwen Stefani & Bring It On Cast:

Gay Hookers?

2006-05-06T21:07:00.000+02:00

Wow, this new Republican hooker / bribery scandal is the gift that keeps on giving. Jowl Of The Day 5-5-06

I'd been hearing rumors of possible gay connections to the whole Duke Cunningham scandal since the day he was first arrested last year, but pretty much put it at the back of my mind. It seems like everyone does the gay speculation thing about every politician / celebrity in the news, so I just took it all with a grain of salt. However, I do remember that there was some information being passed around about kept 'boys' in the DC area that somehow related to a houseboat that Cunningham had in DC and I also remembered Jeff Gannon's name being dropped in the middle of all those rumors too. Of course Gannon (the outed former White House Rebublican internet 'reporter' / internet prostitute) has been mentioned in almost every Republican corruption charge and rumor for the last 2 years. If even a tenth of them are true, he'd be majorly sleep deprived and would have the hardest knees and sorest mouth in DC. Therefore, I never really gave a lot of validity to it all.

Jeff Gannon (Prostitute / White House Reporter): Good to know if you pull yourself up by your... ahem... boot straps, you can make it all the way to the White House.

Well, it's all coming back and the speculation is getting louder than ever. With Hookergate hitting the front pages and now CIA boss Porter Goss resigning so quickly and unexpectedly, it seems that these rumors are being revisited and there seems to be real potential for a major 'gay' scandal to go along with all the hundreds of other scandals in which DC Republicans appear to be involved.

Porter Goss (Former CIA Director): "Gannon is this big."

It's no secret that there is a politically closeted conservative gay Republican clique that holds some significant power in DC right now (Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Ken Mehlman, anyone?), but everyday, more and more names seem to be getting added to that list. And now, the rumors are involving Porter Goss and his 3rd in charge CIA man Kyle 'Dusty' Foggo (expect a resignation this coming week, BTW). What's being said is that the 'poker' parties with hookers that appear to have been attended by Cunningham, Foggo and Goss, actually involved male prostitutes. And surprise, Jeff Gannon's name is being dropped in there as one of the possible escorts, partly because he seems to know just about every major Republican who's been involved in the most recent scandals - which is quite surprising since he was just a lowly internet 'reporter' with no power or access outside of his little read online magazine before he was recently outed. It also doesn't hurt that he was a documented gay internet escort in DC during the time he started covering the White House. Is it speculation that Gannon and/or other male prostitutes were at these parties? Yes. Is it all possible? Yes. Is it all awesome if true? Yes.

Ken Mehlman (RNC Chairman): "This is the technique I use with Gannon."

Another part of the recent gay rumors has to do with a letter that was partially published in the San Diego Union-Tribune by the lawyer of the President of Shirlington Limousines, Christopher Baker (Shirlington supposedly provided the free limousines to the politicians going to the parties as part of the bribery allegations), where it read that Baker was, "never in attendance in any party where any women were being used for prostitution purposes." An interesting way to phrase a denial about Baker's attendance since it appears likely that he was there and there were also hookers there. Just emphasis the word 'women' in that quote and you suddenly have an interesting legal maneuver to not tell a lie that can be used against him in court, but that doesn't discount the fact that he was there with 'male' prostitutes instead. And since this letter was published, Baker has refused to reissue another letter or speak on record (despite being asked) to rephrase his words and clarify his statements so that this 'gay' rumor can now be laid to rest. Seems likely then that his lawyer's letter was a bit of legalese that people saw through, but that he cannot now correct for fear of either lying or having to admit that there were male prostitutes. The original article with the letter excerpt here: San Diego Union-Tribune

Duke Cunningham has also fueled some of the rumors himself. Gay DC paper, The Washington Blade, has been talking about Duke and his 'gayness' for a while now and they even made mention that Duke told former Human Rights Campaign head, Elizabeth Birch, that he once 'loved' men while he was in the Navy and as a civilian. Maybe it's true or maybe it's not, but either way, I will be glued to this scandal as it unfolds daily. Why? Because the hypocrisy of these conservative right wing 'family' men who have done everything they can to harm the rights and lives of the gay community is just too incredible to ignore. Read Wonkette's blog for all the stories about Duke Cunningham, including the gay connection here: Wonkette - Duke Cunningham

Randall 'Duke' Cunningham (Disgraced Former Congressman): "Gannon always liked me in uniform."

You might think that it would be weird of me to relish the fact that there will be gay headlines coming out of this scandal since it would associate gay people and corruption together and that would not be good for the community. Well, I disagree. Although there is always potential for anything public involving gay people to make homophobes even more intense in their hatred, I think this could have the opposite effect. First, it reveals the hypocrisy of these assholes who are creating and voting on policy that affects our lives. Second, it might start a domino effect that will shove many of these closeted hypocrites out into the public square where they will have to start accounting for their actions. Third, it might make some conservatives rethink their positions on the issues if they see some of their heroes / coworkers / elected officials as something other than the homophobic idiots they've been. Last, it allows me to say, "I told you so", which would just give me very selfish personal gratification (whether it helps the community or not).

Let me just say, I don't have a problem with someone being closeted if they think it is the right thing for them. Hell, I was closeted for a long time myself with some family and a few friends until I was able to work through it in my own time. However, during my closeted years, I never made a 'fag' joke, never said anything negative towards gay people, never voted against the interest of the gay community and I certainly never created public policy to oppress law abiding American citizens based on their sexual orientation. And that's the difference. If any of these corrupt politicians are living any form of a gay life while voting or encouraging others to take my rights away, then I want them exposed to the sunlight in the town square, tarred naked and then dusted with drag queen glitter for all the world to see.

And don't you just love the irony that Tom Cruise's character of Maverick in Top Gun was supposedly modeled after former Navy fighter pilot Duke Cunningham's earlier years? Now... if we can just get Super-Scientologist* Tom Cruise to come out...

*Scientologists believe that homosexuals are emotionally caught between fear and anger and can become normal (or be 'cured') through the study of Scientology. Hey, it's worked for Tom - he's the most 'normal' person I've ever seen.

Tom Cruise (Actor): "I don't know Gannon, but then again, why would a 'normal' guy like me know a homosexual like Gannon?"

Example #2 of Tom's 'normalcy'.

3rd time's a charm: normal, normal, normal!

Give A Man A Link And He'll Click For A Day...

2006-05-06T19:19:00.000+02:00

Teach a man to link and he'll click for a lifetime.

Linking instructions:

1. Place cursor over the pretty pink words.
2. Press the left button on your mouse.
3. Read the words, look at the pictures and/or watch the videos.
4. Smile, laugh, cry, touch yourself - whichever is appropriate.

Yah! Rich's awesome recap of this week's America's Next Top Model is up. Hilarious! Four Four

Man, there is a blog for everything, isn't there? Can't get enough of Suri and Sean Preston news? Check this one out. Celebrity Babies

I don't know why he has to test the workout equipment in his underwear, but I'm not complaining. Daaayaaamn! Queerty

Wow, it's World War III now... and I thought mission was accomplished already. Daily Kos

Well, they're going to give the whiny baby a bonus. Guess he won't be broke(back) after all. Hollywood Reporter

CNN sucks major ass. This guy has no business being on a 'legitimate' news station... unless 'legitimate' now means racist, homophobic, right wing apologist and crappy. Media Matters

This Is For Chema

2006-05-06T06:39:00.000+02:00

I'm missing my baby tonight because he's all the way in Spain and I am here in Boston. Because I'm thinking of him, I thought it would be nice to put up a video of one of his favorite bands, Antony & The Johnsons. I had seen this live performance they did on David Letterman's show a few months ago of the song "You Are My Sister", but I know he hasn't seen it because they don't get Letterman in Spain. So this is for you baby. I love you.

You Are My Sister (Live On Letterman) - Antony & The Johnsons:

Jowl Of The Day

2006-05-06T00:35:00.000+02:00

Due to today's big and surprising news about CIA Director Porter Goss resigning from his post, I bring you the Jowl Of The Day: Randall "Duke" Cunningham. If it's the Goss news that's taking place, then why is the Dukester the JOTD, you may be asking. 2 reasons: first, Goss does not have any jowl and second, the Cunningham scandal is probably the reason for Goss's departure. Oh, most of the mainstream media is afraid to say it because they don't yet have conclusive evidence and are too lazy or corrupt to really investigate it. However, the blogging world has been way ahead on this and everyday they are being proven right.

So, anyway, for anyone who hasn't been paying attention, Cunningham is the Republican Congressman who had to resign recently because he got caught doing lots of illegal stuff that involved defense contractors in his California district, his home, conspiracy to commit fraud, his yacht, bribe's, etc. He ended up pleading guilty and getting 8 years in prison. Read some of the Dukester's corruption bio here (which also includes info on his homophobic votes and rhetoric): Gay Rights Watch

Cunningham getting misty-eyed and jowley during his resignation. Hey Duke, cry me a river.

But the story didn't end there. Recently, the FBI opened an investigation into private 'poker' parties Cunningham had on his yacht and at the Watergate Hotel that involved contractors giving the Dukester and his political cronies free rooms, limo rides and prostitutes. Yep, that's right - a full blown sex scandal. Yah! So what ties all this into Porter Goss is that it appears some very high up CIA agents were probably involved in these 'poker' parties where prostitutes attended and the speculation is that Goss may have participated too or at least known about them. Read a more complete accounting here: Harpers

Extreme corruption - Duke's American way.

So the mainstream press is only willing to say that Goss's bombshell surprise resignation today was just because Bush is restructuring his administration, but I think any reasonable person knows better. Was Goss involved in Duke's parties? I don't know, but I do know that Bush's CIA Director doesn't just up and quit after 19 months on the job when he and his whole upper CIA management is rumored to be involved in a sex scandal while the president's opinion polls are at there lowest point ever, unless there really is something to all this speculation. I feel pretty confident that this resignation is not the end of Goss's name in the paper. So for his 'illegal 'poker' parties, his possible contribution to bringing down really corrupt CIA Director Porter Goss and for helping to put one more chink into the quickly disentigrating Bush armor, our Jowl Of The Day goes to Randall "Duke" Cunningham.

"Me and my jowl are going where for 8 years?"

Weekend Box Office Forecast

2006-05-05T22:50:00.000+02:00

Impossible to hit $60 Million?

So Mission: Impossible III comes out today and domestic box office forecasts for the film are pretty high. The movie studio is anticipating a return from the weekend that is in the low to mid 60's*. Considering that the film is opening in over 4,000 theatres, this weekend is the official start of the Summer movie season and it's the third film in a wildly popular action series starring one of the world's biggest movie stars, it seems like a pretty safe guess. What the movie studio didn't take into consideration when they originally greenlighted the film was that their big movie star would go off the deep end and become such an unlikable and eratic public relations nightmare.

When the second film opened on Memorial Day weekend 2000, it was released in about 3,600 theatres and got a 5 day rollout. It made $57.8 million for the 3 day weekend and about $20 million more when you added in the extra 2 days (Wed. & Thurs.). So, over $60 million seems like a reasonable estimate for this third film in the franchise, but I think Tom Cruise and his bad publicity is more of a hindrance than a help right now for the film. The movie will open well, but I really believe it will be way under the forecast because he's so batshit crazy and everyone knows it. There are so many people freaked out by Cruise's freakouts, his bizarre public embracing of Scientology (where in the past he's kept it on the down low), his obviously fake relationship with Katie... woops... I meant (child bearing woman) Kate Holmes and his non stop barrage of bad press, that I think it's really going to hurt the film. My estimate is in the low $50's instead.

Whoot's gonna make a lot of money?

One of the other reasons that I think it's going to do worse than expected this weekend is that there are a few films opening that are being underestimated and could definitely take a bite out of M:I:3. One is Hoot (opening on over 3,000 theatres) and the other is An American Haunting (in almost 1,700 theatres). With the continued good performance of RV and Stick It, I think M:I:3 could lose some of its family, teen and twenty something audience to them.

Here's why. Hoot is a film based on a very popular young adult book by Carl Hiaasen about some kids who rally a community of people to save a family of owls from evil developers. Hardly sounds like a big box office bohemoth, but when you take into account that the book has sold almost 2 million copies since it's 2002 release and New Line has been promoting the Hell out of the film, it could definitely be an M:I:3 spoiler. It doesn't help that Hoot is the only major family film in the past month that has been released with a PG rating. There will be a lot of families that will take their kids to see it which will keep them and their parents out of M:I:3 theatres the first weekend. Forecasts for Hoot are running around $9 million, but I think it could do almost double that number.

Scaring away some of the M:I:3 audience?

And horror is still hot (Silent Hill anyone?) which is a good omen for the opening of An American Haunting which may keep some of the older teen and twenty something audience away from Cruise's movie as well. These types of horror films are notorious for having surprisingly large opening weekends, even if most of them fall off significantly on the 2nd weekend and that's not good for M:I:3 since they share many of the same potential customers. The An American Haunting forecast is around $6 million, but I think it will at least hit $10.

So here's my estimate of the weekend box office for the major new films being released:

Mission: Impossible 3 - $51 Million
Hoot - $17 Million
An American Haunting - $11 Million

I'll be back on Sunday with the actual numbers to evaluate my performance.

*All estimations are in the millions.

Music Video Of The Day: Fall Out Boy

2006-05-05T22:17:00.000+02:00

In honor of Pete Wentz's Quote Of The Day I listed earlier, I figured I would put up the video to Fall Out Boy's current chart topper, 'Dance Dance'. Instead, I found this funny video on You Tube that is someone's interpretation of the lyrics to the song. I actually like it better than the real video. Hope you enjoy.

Dance Dance (Words They Are Saying Video Mix) - Fall Out Boy:

Spam Of The Day

2006-05-05T18:20:00.000+02:00

Most people hate e-mail spam, but I love it. The more moronic and language deficient, the better. I just received this e-mail below (shown exactly as received except the web address is removed) and got a real kick out of it.

Subject: hoping ur free

Hi Siegmund, Maurice told me that you wanted 2 increase your thing.

Check out at www.*********.com to consummate that. discuss of
dedicates pertinent A Modest topics such as location, purpose, and setup.
There are

a Proposal. a several Throughout the items you will need for your aquarium.
I recommend

Thanks.
Cecil.

In all the history of the world, I would wager than no guy has ever looked at his friend and said, "I want to increase my thing." It just doesn't happen. And who is named "Siegmund" or "Maurice" or "Cecil" anymore? And what does an aquarium have to do with the size of your 'thing'? I wish I had a job writing spam. That would be cool.

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-05T17:34:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Pete Wentz of altrockers Fall Out Boy at a recent concert in Charlotte, NC:

"'You can leave this show and say, "I think this guy is an arrogant jerk," or think, "This band is better than this one," because these are your opinions. The only thing we consider unacceptable is for you to engage in sexist, racist or homophobic behavior. If you do, we don't want you as a fan. Return our merch and leave.' "

The reason it is the quote of the day is that the statement enraged some dumbass mother in the audience that didn't want her daughters to hear that they should 'love thy neighbor'. She thinks because of his statement that Fall Out Boy concerts are now "liberal homosexual rallies" and says, "...my children will not be a part of your sick idea of family." She has fired off angry letters to the members of the band and their record company and has vowed to start a boycott of the band that will ruin them. Puuuulease! Bitch, get a hobby.

Anyway, Pete Wentz has posted her letter and responded to her on the band's website and says they're not going to change their opinions or attitudes to be more popular or please bitches like her (my name for her, not his). You can read the whole story here:

VH1

So, for his awesome concert statement and promise to keep on fighting the good fight, Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz has the quote of the day. BTW Pete, you are welcome to attend any of my own private 'liberal homosexual rallies' anytime you want. You're hot.

Pete Wentz: Taking on homophobes, one stupid bitchy mother at a time.

I Love This Bitch

2006-05-05T15:08:00.000+02:00

Yeah, I know that some people don't like Kathy Griffin and want to punch her in the face for the things she says, but I'm not one of them. I love her and think she's REALLY funny. Maybe because she likes to trash celebrities and she doesn't care who knows it. She has no fear when talking about Hollywood and for someone who makes her living in that sanctimonious city, she doesn't seem to care who she pisses off. That's part of the reason she got fired from her Red Carpet job on the E Network after making a funny joke about how little Dakota Fanning just got out of rehab (I thought she should have gotten promoted - not fired).

Enjoy your time on the red carpet Kathy. By the end of the evening you will have pissed off a powerful 10 year old and been fired from your job.

Next week, she has a new 1 hour standup special on Bravo (Why Bravo? 'Cause the gays love her!) called "Kathy Griffin: Strong Black Woman" that premieres on Tuesday at 9pm and will probably be shown over and over and over again (as Bravo tends to do). Bravo TV

In honor of her special, I'm including some quotes from an interview she just did with the Indianapolis Star Newspaper in her home state of Indiana. Indy Star

Enjoy (and watch her show on Tuesday at 9pm, even if you're not gay).

On American Idol: "Don't you love when they talk about their 'fans' without one hint of irony? I'm looking at them and thinking, "You're going to be working at The Limited at the mall in about eight days. So knock it off with your 'fans.' ""

Kathy with a very scared Kelly Clarkson. Never have the A-list been in such fear of the D-list before.

On The Brooke Shields / Tom Cruise Baby Birth Feud: "I think it's great. Brooke Shields should be very happy. It's always good to be intertwined with someone like that. I would kill to have a baby on the same floor as Tom Cruise -- and have him (ticked) off at me. I'm telling you, that was a gift from God. I would have sent him a thank-you note and a muffin basket, because that whole scandal did nothing but make Brooke more likable."

Suddenly Susan cast and Kathy - pre face lift, pre hair straightening, pre eye surgery, pre nose fixing, pre Bravo reality tv show and specials, pre cancellation, pre baby scientology wars, pre Judd Nelson unemployment.

On Clay Aiken: "First of all, major relocation. He has to leave the country. He has to be like Josephine Baker or David Hasselhoff and find a fan base overseas. I think once you have had your picture in the Star tabloid with four Webcam pictures of you hooking up with a guy and you don't have a shirt on, it's time for a 'vacation'. He has to have a long sit-down with Manilow and get a game plan. He has to say, "Barry, I want you to plan out my next year. I'll do whatever you say." He should follow the footsteps of his obvious mentor."

"What? What did I say that was so bad?"

I Think I've Had A Little Too Much To Link

2006-05-04T17:59:00.000+02:00

Really. I've just gotten back from my birthday dinner and I'm trashed! My friends Ellen & Kirby took me out and I had waaaay too much wine. If I mispell anything or say something really stupid, you can't hold it against me. I am at my friend Tiffany's apartment because I was too drunk to go home and I'm on her laptop writing this. So here are some drunken links for you. Enjoy.

I don't believe it. He's hot, so he is HUGE in my mind. Egotastic

I know what I'll be taping on May 12th, just in case Star's head explodes from someone else getting more attention than her. TV Squad

Ryan and Rachel are my new favorite couple. Just Jared

I'll have to ask my boyfriend, but do they even know who her skinny ass is in Spain? A Socialite's Life

Not all queer groups are nice... or right. Some just suck big wang. All Spin Zone

Why do people keep giving this bitch a tv show? LA.com

May 4th Babies, Just Like Me

2006-05-04T16:50:00.000+02:00

Yah! Today is my birthday! Boo! I'm so fucking old!

My drivers license photo with my birthdate on it. Proof that it really is my birthday bitches!

Tallsonofagun showing you how to look menacing at the DMV.

Yes, this posting is a desperate cry for attention. It's my birthday and I am all alone because my beautiful baby is in Spain. Poor me.

Anyway, here are some historical events and fabulous (and not so fabulous people) that share this Taurific May 4th birthday with me. Enjoy.

May 4th babies are absolutely flawless!

Actress / Icon Audrey Hepburn (would have been 77 today) showing you how to look gorgeous while inspecting the blinds for dust buildup.

On May 4, 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present day Manhattan Island.

May 4th babies are very artistic!

Pop Artist Keith Haring (would have been 48 today) showing you why he was respected for his art and not his fashion sense.

On May 4th, 1871, the first professional baseball league, the National Association, starts its first season.

May 4th babies are smokin' hot!

My good friend Trish (I won't tell her age today) showing you how to wrap melons in leather for maximum freshness.

On May 4th, 1891, fictional character and prototype of the modern mastermind detective, Sherlock Holmes died.

May 4th babies are gay astronauts!

*NSyncer Lance Bass (27 today) showing you where he likes to take it in the face.

On May 4th, 1904, the United States began building the Panama Canal.

May 4th babies are sweet and innocent!

'The Waltons' Actress Mary McDonough (45 today) showing you why every straight 10 year old boy in 1978 wanted to get a piece of Erin Walton.

On May 4th, 1927, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded.

May 4th babies are funny bitches!

Actress / SNL Comedian Ana Gasteyer (39 today) showing you how to keep the frizz to a minimum on humid days:

On May 4th, 1959, the first Grammy Awards were presented.

May 4th babies are extremely talented!

Soul / Gospel Singer Oleta Adams (53 today) showing you the proper technique for using jazz hands.

On May 4th, 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on anti-war protesters at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others. The murdered students: Allison Krause, Jeffrey Miller, Sandra Scheuer, and William Schroeder.

May 4th babies are super smart!

Educator / Public School System Pioneer Horace Mann (would have been 210 today) showing you how to keep the creases off your face by looking stern.

On May 4th, 1970, after the Kent State killings, Richard Nixon started sucking ass really hard.

May 4th babies are really friendly!

My Spanish friend Pau (I won't tell his age today) showing you why all the straights and gays love him.

On May 4th, 1975, Moe Howard of The 3 Stooges died.

May 4th babies are sexy sluts!

1999 Playboy Playmate Of The Year Heather Kozar (30 today) showing you how to be demure while being bare ass naked.

On May 4th, 1979, Margaret Thatcher became the first woman Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

May 4th babies are extra clean!

Good Housekeeping 'Helpful Hints' Columnist Heloise (would have been 87 today) showing you how to start attacking that mess on your desk.

On May 4th, 2001, Bonny Lee Bakley, wife of actor Robert Blake, was shot to death as she sat in a car near a restaurant in Los Angeles.

May 4th babies are angry punks!

Green Day Rocker Mike Dirnt (34 today) showing you the face he makes when taking a bowel movement.

Some May Birthday Info:

May Astrological Sign: Taurus - April 20 thru May 20
May's Birthstone: Emerald
May Flower: Lily-of-the-Valley and Hawthorne

May 4th babies are able to look great while lounging by the pool!

Actress / Trophy Wife Pia Zadora (50 today) showing you how to get a lot by doing very little.

Jowl Of The Day

2006-05-04T06:41:00.000+02:00

Because of the Primary Elections held the other day, I figured a nice election Jowl would be appropriate. And no one deserves the Jowl Of The Day more than Ohio's crooked Secretary Of State who has just been chosen as the Republican candidate for the Governor's Office this year. For anyone who doesn't know who Blackwell is, he's the EXTREMELY corrupt man who is responsible for delivering Ohio (hence, the country) to Bush in 2004, thereby making sure he remained President.

"Like my halo of evil?"

Blackwell holds stock in Diebold (the electronic voting company that many states have switched to in recent years) and has massive conflicts of interest when it comes to his connection to them and the Ohio election system that he runs. He has been dubbed, "The Man Who Will Never Lose An Election" and he has proven that over and over again. He has been at, or near, the center of almost every major Ohio political corruption charge in the past decade and since he's been Secretary Of State, every election has been tainted with his stink. Without him and his connection to Diebold, there is a very good chance that we would have had another president in the White House right now.

Jowlpendous

Just like Washington at the moment, Ohio is almost completely run by Republicans and they have done everything possible to destroy whistle blowers and corruption investigations in their state. So far it's worked and as long as Blackwell is in charge of the Ohio election system, there is a good chance it will continue. If you want to know more about Blackwell's pure evilness and his ability to steal elections, check out this link for all the nasty things he's been connected to:

Common Dreams

"Yeah man, that's right. I am an asshole."

It's My Birthday And I'll Link If I Want To

2006-05-04T06:04:00.000+02:00

I know Lesbians, I like Lesbians and Mary Cheney, you are not a nice Lesbian. America Blog

Ha ha, K-Fed has girly sperm. Dlisted

If I were her, I'd be pissed he said that was her ONLY asset. I'm sure she's got a great rack too. Times Online

Yah! She's back. I love strong black women. Bravo TV

US students are so stupid. Everyone knows Louisiana is right beside Alabama... in the northwest. Yahoo News

I missed the special clip show last week, but thank God Rich exists to feed us such tasty Tyra-ness. Four Four

Music Video Of The Day: Mary J.

2006-05-04T05:52:00.000+02:00

Mary J. Blige's new song and video are Slammin'! Miss Blige seems to be playing a supermodel in the clip to "Enough Cryin'" and she has never looked better. The song rocks too. Even if you don't like R&B, it's hard not to respect her soulful take on just about everything she sings and damn!... she looks hot! Her thirtysomething self could take on all the girls on America's Next Top Model and crush them with her fabulousness. Check it out if you get a chance.

Enough Cryin' - Mary J. Blige:

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-04T05:48:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Susan Sarandon when asked recently about her opinion of Hillary Clinton as a potential presidential candidate... and I couldn't agree more.

"I'm not particularly supportive of her, I'd like to find somebody that really has a moral bottom line ... man or woman.''

"Down with Hillary... Down with Hillary... Woops!... I mean, down with Bush... Down with Bush!"

The Next Napolean Dynamite?

2006-05-04T05:23:00.000+02:00

'Fat Girls' screened at the Tribeca Film Festival recently and some are saying it could be the next Napolean Dynamite. 21 year old writer/director/actor Ash Christian is a young gay Texan who decided to make a semi-autographical film about a chubby gay kid and his fat hag who have trouble getting dates for their graduation dance. Christian, who has had some success as an actor in Hollywood, decided that he was sick of playing the best friend role and wrote the screenplay, raised the money and directed the partially improvised film in order to put a chubby gay kid as the lead in a movie. And now it's playing at Tribeca for some very famous and connected people. Its low budget and out-there sense of humor have some industry people saying it could be the next Napolean Dynamite which was made for $400,000 and made over $44 million at the US box office before becoming an even bigger hit on DVD. I say good luck to Christian and I will definitely check out the movie if it makes its way to Boston this year. You should too. He's already working on his next film about a kid in a wheelchair who is determined to play Jesus in a local community theatre play. The whole story is here:

Reuters

"Ash Christian channeling his inner 'Fat Girl'"

Superman Returns Trailer

2006-05-04T04:18:00.000+02:00

Yah! The trailer for Superman Returns is finally out. It's pretty good and definitely has the feel of the original Richard Donner/Christopher Reeve film, but with a cool updated look. And Brandon Routh looks hot and geeky, just the way it should be. Here's the link for all you Man Of Steel bitches (Quicktime Needed):

Apple

"Must... open... the... hatch... for... Locke"

Mass Transit Attack?

2006-05-04T03:12:00.000+02:00

Jesus, it just never ends. Everytime things get bad for Bush and another one of his administration cronies is close to being indicted, another potential terrorist warning comes out. It's ridiculous. Really. It's so see through and I'm sick of it. The best part is that Homeland Security says there is "no specific or credible evidence" for any of this, they just feel like putting out a warning just in case. Arrgggghhh! Read the whole story here:

USA Today

"They better not mess with your subway train or I'll shoot them in the face."

Ahhh. He's The Best Daddy Ever!

2006-05-04T01:15:00.000+02:00

Well, American Idol contestant, Kellie Pickler, may be done with the show, but now she's got something else to look forward to, a reunion with her jailbird Daddy (shudder) that she hasn't seen for over 3 years. Clyde 'Bo' Pickler just got out jail in Florida where he spent the last few years serving time for stabbing a man. Kellie didn't know that he gotten out of prison just yet, but at this point, I'm sure he's on his way back to NC to find her now (shudder).

Kellie may not have known he was just released, but Bo was fully aware of Kellie's whereabouts once AI started featuring her (shudder). He thinks that watching her on tv for the last few months made his time go faster and he can't wait to get back to her (shudder). At least he doesn't take any credit for her success, according to an interview he gave Inside Edition that appeared today. "I can't take credit for what Kellie's done. She's accomplished a lot in her 19 years of life. It'll be great to see her. I'm going to try to patch up a few burnt bridges and get some things back in order." (shudder)

Well, good luck with that Kellie. Give him a big kiss from all of us.

"Who's coming to see me? Bo who? What's a 'Bo'?"

America's Next Top Model Tonight - Yah!

2006-05-03T18:43:00.000+02:00

Wednesday nights are the best and worst of the week. The best because all my favorite shows are on. The worst because all my favorite shows are on AT THE SAME TIME. It's so hard to tape because Wednesday's bring us the American Idols Result Show, Lost, Invasion, Top Chef, South Park, a special episode of House (tonight only) and probably my favorite show of them all, America's Next Top Model. In honor of my ANTM anticipation, here's an awesome clip of Tyra Banks completely going off on a girl (Tiffani from a few seasons back) after Tyra's just destroyed Tiffani's dream of winning and Tyra doesn't think she's shown enough sadness at being sent packing.(?!) Even if you've never watched the show, you should watch this and enjoy all the bitchy goodness. You won't be disappointed, I promise.

ANTM Model Rage - Tyra Banks:

Quote Of The Day

2006-05-03T15:41:00.000+02:00

Courtesy of Russell Crowe recently when talking about Sharon Stone and her face in relation to plastic surgery.

"A lot seems to have changed. When are you not you any more? At what point do you have to get a name change, too? You can end up looking like a startled chimpanzee. The eyes are gone, the lips are like rubber tires - or more like an orangutan that has been kicked in the arse."

Hmmm. Sharon Stone is the person who brought Russell Crowe to US audiences for the first time by insisting that the movie studio sign him for her movie "The Quick & The Dead" and she wouldn't sign on until they got him (despite the movie studio's protests). That was back when Sharon was a big star and Russell was a nobody. Now that the tables are reversed, seems like Mr. Crowe is an awfully ungrateful Aussie asshole. Nothing like kicking a plastic surgery victim when she's down.

"I don't know what Russell is talking about. No scalpel has ever touched my face - maybe some needles, a spackling spatula and a blow torch, but never a scalpel."

American Idol Weekly Recap - Top 5

2006-05-03T13:54:00.000+02:00

Future Idols or fry cooks? Your vote decides.

Yo yo, check it out, dog.

Tonight was the Top 5 and it was the first show where the finalists had to sing 2 songs instead of 1: one song from the year of their birth and one song from a current Top 10 Billboard Chart. It was an interesting and surprising show for me. Why, because my favorite person had one of the worst performances of the night and my least favorite had one of the best performances. The judges were also more accurate and less annoying than usual. But then again, even Rush Limbaugh makes a truthful statement and gets it right once in a blue moon. If he can, why shouldn't the AI judges have a moment of accuracy every now and then as well? So here's the rundown.

First up was Elliott. Poor boy, who dressed him? Seriously - bad jeans with a cheap, tan, ill-fitting polyester jacket and a shiny gold tie. It was just awful. And it didn't help things that the lights were super bright on stage and you could see all his wonky teeth. Is he the American Idol? Only if your idols are badly dressed mediocre jazz vocalists with a lack of quality dental work. He's got a sweet disposition, but that's about the best I can say about his first performance of the night: George Benson's 'On Broadway' from 1978. That's the type of song that's tailor made for his style and voice and the results were average, at best. He should have hit it out of the park and didn't. Judges thought he was okay, except for Simon who said he was lucky to have another chance later in the show. At least Paula didn't overpraise him this week and break down into sobbing historonics. You could see in her eyes though that she was thinking, "You're my new Corey Clark baby. I'd so hit that."

"I found this jacket in my Great Uncle Howard's closet. Hot isn't it? "

Next was Paris singing Prince's 'Kiss' from 1988 (my God, I have naval lint older than her). She looked great, was entertaining and took a song that should have been really weird to sing and made it interesting and fun. So what's the problem? Well, for one thing, it wasn't a very good showcase for what she can do. I don't know if anyone could have done a better job with it, but she's definitely better than the song itself and at this point, everyone needs to be making every song really strong and memorable. I liked it, but I doubt a lot of people were won over if they weren't already fans before. The first 2 judges liked it okay, but Simon called it "screachy and annoying - similar to the way Paula sounds when she's about to come." Okay, he didn't say the last part of that sentence, but he was thinking it.

Chris took the stage next and was really great. He's not been my favorite, but I can definitely appreciate that he has a great rock voice. He didn't disappoint though with his rendition of Styx's 'Renegade' from 1978. It was really strong and a real example of why he is going to go all the way to the top 2. Now if he would just change it up a little bit by doing something like Bo did last year when he sang acapella. I'm not saying he should do the exact same thing, but he isn't differentiating himself enough to guarantee the complete win and needs to really make himself stand out more. As for the judges comments, all 3 dropped to the floor and gave his scrotum a tongue bathing, as usual. This time though, he deserved the wet sac he got from them.

Sac lickers - especially Ryan.

Sadly, the next performance was from Katharine when she sang 'Against All Odds' by Phil Collins from 1984. As much as I love her (I really do and would carry her surrogate babies if she asked), I have to say that this was the worst performance of the whole night. It was all over the place and everything the judges unfairly said about her last week would have appropriately applied to her tonight. And she didn't have the hot tight cleavage spilling dress to fall back on this week either. Like Elliott's performance, it's the style of song that she should have soared with, but instead, the left wing caught fire during takeoff and she ended up in the swamp at the end of the runway. She was so nervous (probably because of the unfair ass pounding she took from the judges a week ago) that it totally messed with her head. It was a real shame to see someone who can actually sing mess up that bad at this stage of the competition. None of the judges liked it, but it was funny to see them actually try to be nice since they got such a strong audience lashing last week after being so unfair to her. Although, Simon did accidentally say it was one of her best performances (misspeaking when he meant to say worst) and then corrected himself a minute later and interupting Ryan as he was giving out Katharine's phone numbers for voting. Could that have been planned? I think it might have been. Bastard!

Our last contestant of the first half was Taylor who did his version of Wild Cherry's 'Play That Funky Music' from 1976 - damn, he's almost as old as me! He was good on vocals and extremely entertaining on stage with his hideous Hawaiin style shirt and spastic thrashing where he ended up laying on the floor at the end. I enjoyed it and that performance guaranteed he'd be back next week no matter what he sang later. The first 2 judges praised him, but Simon repeated something he'd said a few weeks earlier that it was "like watching a bad wedding singer performance." Man, if my wedding singer thrashed around on stage like that, he wouldn't be getting paid and would have his mic turned off in the middle of the song. Entertaining to watch and hear on tv, but not at my perfectly immaculate gay wedding. My friends would disown me.

Performance or epileptic fit?

So onto the second half of the show where they had to sing current Top 10 songs from any Billboard chart. To paraphrase Randy, "Yo, yo, listen up! American Idol, I was worried at the beginning where you started off a little pitchy and all over the place, but then in the middle the show you got better and you really finished strong. It was just awwwight for me."

First off was Elliott again. This time he sang current jazz cutie Michael Buble's 'Home'. He sang it well and it is the perfect kind of song for him, but it isn't that kind of really catchy type of song that people remember. Strong, but not strong enough. At least he looked better and it actually seemed like he dressed in front of a mirror this time. The first 2 judges liked the song, but Simon made it a point to say that he shouldn't be singing the song lyric, "I want to go home" over and over again after his performances from that night. It seemed to make Elliott mad, but Elliott's version of getting mad is to say, "No, I really don't want to go home." Such a nice guy - that's gonna get him nowhere in life.

Paris was next with her version of Mary J. Blige's 'Be Without You'. It was okay, but not great. However she gets 2 extra points from me. First, because it was soulful. Second, because she left in the lyric, "We got real shit" and actually sang it live. The censors beeped it, but I was really impressed that she refused to change the lyrics for the American Idol audience. A move like that can either make or break her depending on who the audience for the show really is. I like to think that mainly devil worshipping 40 year old liberals are the core audience, but I have a feeling that it's actually uber-conservative teenage religious freaks. So my guess is that singing the actual lyrics might have hurt her. Randy liked the song, but Paula didn't. You could tell she said she didn't like it because she thought that was going to be Simon's opinion too and she was just trying to impress him. When he said the opposite and he said she sang it "rather well,", you could just see the hurt and betrayal in Paula's eyes. She so wants his approval.

"Yeah, I said 'shit' you bitches. Whatchu gonna do about it?"

Chris then sang some song called "I Dare You" by someone/thing called Shinedown. Maybe I'm showing my lack of current constant radio listening, but I'd never heard of the song or group before. Maybe it was a good rendition, but I don't know. It wasn't the wisest move, just because I think most people like me who are not 12, don't listen to regular radio that often and are probably only more aware of songs by more well known artists. It was okay, but his voice got screachy and the judges all agreed that his voice is going. He better be careful and protect it if he wants to make it through the next 3 weeks. And can I just say to the show's producers, can you please retire the fake fire backdrop that they use for all the rock songs? At this point it's as tired as Tara Reid after an all night drug fueled orgy. Please get rid of it.

"For God's sake, would someone please shut off this damn fake fire behind me? I can't concentrate."

And then came the showstopper. Thank God. After her miserable first performance, I was really worried for Katharine. Mainly because I'd heard she was singing the song, "Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" by newbie folk rocker KT Tunstall. It's a good song and I've heard it played some before the show last night, but it's soooo not what you think of when you think of the songs that will fit Katharine's voice and personality. But it worked and it worked great. She sat on the floor and had two musicians play some weird instruments. She owned the stage by just sitting there and singing and she sounded awesome. I was a little shocked because I was sure the song was going to be wrong for her, but she was totally loose and relaxed and sang it beautifully. In fact, it was as if it was written just for her. I'm still surprised by how good it was. I thought Chris had taken the prize for best performance with the earlier Styx song until Katharine sang. You expected him to do his song justice because it's the type of music he always sings, but Katharine wins since it was so unexpectedly good. The judges all agreed with me and for once I didn't want to shove hot radioactive rods up their ass and pound them in with a sledgehammer (I'm making progress with my anger management courses, BTW).

Katharine on her knees - the girl knows what it takes to be a winner.

Then came Taylor singing, 'Something' by the Beatles(?). Hey wait, you're thinking. I thought it was supposed to be current Top 10 Billboard songs. Well, I'm not positive which chart they are on, but since Billboard has about a hundred charts, I'm sure the Beatles are lurking somewhere on a reissue list somewhere. And Taylor was really good. That's saying a lot coming from me because I've really been over him for the past 5 weeks or so. I still think he is the least talented of everyone left, but he's such a fun goofball with a decent voice, that it's hard not to like him. I was getting tired of his weird schtick in the same way that Kellie Picker started wearing thin too, but last night's performance definitely made me appreciate him more. I still don't think he deserves to be in the final 2 (my hopes are for a Chris/Katharine showdown), but he'll probably pull it out of his ass because of his goofy charm and ability to read the audience. The judges liked him too, but seemed to question why he was singing the Beatles. I'm actualy surprised the producers allowed him to sing it since their original intent was for current modern songs, but maybe they wanted him to sing it for some specific reason. I don't know if Taylor is a mad genius for finding that song on the charts or if he is just a big cheat for using it, but either way, it worked for him and was one of the better performances he's given.

So here are my predictions:

Top 2: Chris and Taylor.

Bottom 2: Elliott and Paris.

Tough one to call, but I think we're going to be seeing Elliott head home tonight. Could be Paris, but Elliott's lack of personality really works against him, even when he's good. You might not like Paris, but you don't forget her.

So, I'll be wearing my American Idol underwear tonight and waiting with baited breath for the results. Is that weird?

My Hot American Idol. Hmmm, could it be that I'm not really gay?

For real fans who want to see the previous week's recap, here's that link:

JM's American Idol Recap - Top 6

RESULTS SHOW - Top 5:

Awwww. I was wrong. Paris got the boot. I guess saying 'shit' in front of America and getting bleeped just didn't work for her - better luck next time swearing in front of 50 million people. Actually, I think it was the name. Most Americans have a real aversion to someone named Paris being filmed as she blows into a large phallic thing in her hand. I think everyone just got you confused with that other Paris.

She may not be your American Idol, but she'll make a great 50 year old school marm.

Next week is Elvis songs. Elliott was one lucky bitch this week. If he doesn't pull something absolutely amazing out of his ass next week, he might as well pack up his bad polyester tan jacket right now.

See you here next week.

Get Linky With Me Baby

2006-05-03T06:53:00.000+02:00

A great guide so you don't miss any season finales or special May sweeps events of your favorite shows by date. Just click through the arrows to go to each day and see what's coming up. Zap 2 It

This ought to be cool. I love the fact that publisher, Jann Wenner, refused to use Bush in the picture, but has Clinton on the second row. USA Today

Wow, this looks dirty. It's not, but I can't believe it ever got shown, 'cause it looks so dirty. Nothing Toxic

Thank God it's coming back for a second season. I wasn't sure how it was doing, but I love the show. Media Week

Ha ha. It does seem like something the current Congress would back. The Onion

If this album really is the kind of music they are saying it is, then I bet it is gonna be great. An interesting choice for such a young current artist. But, she's got the pipes to pull it off. Just Jared

Uttered slowly and with slurred speach: "Do you like my baby? Do you?" Dlisted

Music Video Of The Day: Mashup Heaven

2006-05-03T06:42:00.000+02:00

Like music mashups? How about music and video mashups together? Well, I've got one for you. When I saw this, I really thought it might suck, but it's actually pretty good and fits together well. The music part is better than the video part, but it all really works well and has stuck with me for over a day now. So I present to you my video of the day, "Love Will Freak Us" - a music/video mashup of Missy Elliott's recent rap classic 'Get Ur Freak On' and Joy Division's older new wave classic, 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'. Enjoy.

Love Will Freak Us - Missy Elliott vs. Joy Division:

Would You Please Just Come Out Already?

2006-05-03T05:59:00.000+02:00

The new issue of Vanity Fair comes out this week and for some reason it's missing the usual anorexic starlet with fake breasts on the cover. Not sure why, but it's a nice change for once. However, this time, they are featuring news himbo, Anderson Cooper. And what does he talk about? He talks about Hurrican Katrina, his brother's suicide, his life growing up as the son of fashion/wealth icon Gloria Vanderbilt, etc. In fact, he talks about everything except the one thing everyone really wants to know - is he gay? Well, guess what? He refuses to talk about his 'private' life. I'm sorry, I mean that he talks about every painful aspect of his past 'private' life, just not his current 'private' life. Arrrgggghhh!

For God's sake, Anderson. Everyone knows you are gay, everyone talks about how you are gay and everyone is sick of you trying to hide that you are gay. You are gay. You like dick. Deal with it and just come out already. It would be an amazing step to see a young, respected, attractive, nice newsperson come out of the closet and quit playing the hide and go seek game with the public. It's a well documented fact that you like boys, so just say it and get over it already. The longer you wait, the less respect you earn from the people who actually like and watch you. Who wants to get their news from someone who is so dishonest? Not me. So Anderson, we're waiting. Let us know when you get a spine.

"Who me? Gay? What's this word 'gay' that you speak of?"

Jowl Of The Day

2006-05-03T02:44:00.000+02:00

Since this weekend's announcement that Rosie O'Donnell would be joining the view in September to replace the departing Meredith Viera, rumors have been swirling that Star Jones Reynolds is furious and there are gonna be fireworks from the first day Rosie sits down with them. It's also been rumored that Star may leave before September since her contract is up soon and she refuses to share the stage with the lefty lesbian. Barbara Walters (who supposedly hates Star - along with every other reasonable human being in the world) has even hinted that it's up to Star to stay and she isn't going to make any grand gestures to keep her. This may be evidenced in the fact that creator/lead hostess Barbara asked Rosie to join them in the first place since she knew Star would not be happy about it.

Rosie has filled in on the show before and everything was fine, but recently, Rosie has been making statements in interviews about the manner in which Star has lost all her massive weight. Star has claimed it is through eating right and exercise. Those of us with half an ounce of brain matter know that it's because of a gastic bypass surgery. I absolutely know... because I've had one myself and lost almost 200 lbs. in 7 months, similar to Star. She's lost well over a hundred lbs. in about a year and that just doesn't happen without surgical help or extreme and fatal disease. So unless she has cancer or AIDS, she's had weight loss surgery and Rosie has not been afraid to say it... and multiple times. So this has pissed off Star and now she may leave. Well boo fucking hoo!

Sorry, I'm not one to make fun of other people's weight issues since I've had my own serious problems with the bulge. However, someone who is so radically dishonest and wants to lie about the way she lost such drastic weight, deserves as much ridicule that you can throw at her. Basically she's lying to other severely obese people and saying, you can lose the weight quickly and easily just like she did through diet and excercise. Well, bullshit! And the worst part is that she is making money off of those lies since she basically says it in her recently published book. It also doesn't help her reputation that she is a huge fur lover and likes to flaunt it, but I digress. So Star is a hypocrite and will hopefully be leaving the show soon. Or, maybe it would be more fun to have her stay so that her and Rosie can get into it and end up having a knock down, drag out on the show. That would be a beautiful end to this whole story... and my money would be on the dyke with the new job.

So, for her hypocrisy, lies and the fact that she actually looked better as a zaftig diva than as the drag queen wannabe she's become, Star Jones Reynolds is our Jowl Of The Week.

Jowlicious

Eggads! Please put the weight back on!